The Humour Thread

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tesla1962

tesla1962

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Jun 3, 2014
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This is the first thread I have created on BF and it was prompted by a warning from Doss about avoiding the swear filter. It got me thinking about a cracker of a joke and jokes in general. I put the thread in here to stock up on my dwindling jokes and in the hope that the mods will cut me some slack if I claim Tourets. So here we go.

A bloke walks into the TAB the other day

The woman behind the counter says "I see you come in here every day but I have never seen you place a winning bet"

the bloke says "yeah, i just can't pick winners"

The woman says "well i feel sorry for you. i tell you what. i am married to a horse trainer and I hear really good tips so next time you come in look across at me and i will give you a hand signal that is a clue to my best tip of the day"

"Great" says the bloke "and thanks"

The next day he walks in a looks across at her

she is scratching her head

He goes to the form guide and studies it, he sees a horse called Top Hat is racing in the 3rd at Moonee Valley, 10 to 1, so he puts his money on top hat and, whattayano the horse wins

next day he comes in and looks across at her, she is cupping her breast

He studies the form guide again and sees there is a horse called Breastplate racing in the 5th at Werribee, 7 to 2, so he puts his money on Breastplate and guess what? the horse wins

The 3rd day in a row he comes in and looks across at her

She scratches herself just above her crotch and winks

He smiles but walks straight out the door, leaving her perplexed

She sees him in the main street the next day and says "what happened, i gave you you the tip! Short and Curlies at Wagga Wagga, it was 25 to 1 and it won"

He frowns and says "oh sh*t, I thought you were telling me the c*nt got scratched"
 
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Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
 

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What's worse than a cardboard box?


























































































Paper ****
 
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.




Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.



Why Why was six afraid of seven?



It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.



Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.





Why did the boy drop his ice cream?



Because he was hit by a bus.
 
Wonder how many will get this one.
Pascal, Newton and Einstein are in the afterlife when they decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein declares that he will be the first searcher, and turns around and covers his eyes and begins to count.

Pascal runs away to hide but Newton stands right behind Einstein and draws a 1 metre by 1 metre box on the ground, and stands in the centre.

Eventually Einstein reaches 20, turns around and says to Newton "Well Isaac, I see you so you're out."

Newton shakes his head and says "I'm not out, Pascal is."
 
Loonerty said:
Wonder how many will get this one.
Pascal, Newton and Einstein are in the afterlife when they decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein declares that he will be the first searcher, and turns around and covers his eyes and begins to count.

Pascal runs away to hide but Newton stands right behind Einstein and draws a 1 metre by 1 metre box on the ground, and stands in the centre.

Eventually Einstein reaches 20, turns around and says to Newton "Well Isaac, I see you so you're out."

Newton shakes his head and says "I'm not out, Pascal is."
Click to expand...

Newton per square meter?

download (1).jpeg
 
fodzilla said:
In that vein, Heisenberg is pulled over by the police while driving. The officer taps on his window and asks "sir, do you know how fast you were going?". "No", replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am."
Click to expand...
The version I've heard is that he was pulled over, asked if he knew how fast he was going, to which he replied no. The officer then says "You were going 30k's over the limit"

Heisenberg threw his hands in the air and said "Great! Now I'm lost."
 

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Stopher said:
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.
Click to expand...
Thanks, I had forgotten that joke
 
I guy goes to a new gelati shop. He is overwhelmed by the choice and after a few minutes of silence the shop keeper offers some help. "Mate, do you like the taste of pussy?" he asks the guy. "Sure" he says sheepishly. So the shop keeper makes him a pussy flavoured gelati and he heads off.

Two minutes later the customer comes back in. "Mate this tastes like s**t" he says in disgust. The shop keeper replies "you have to take shorter licks".
 
fishardansin said:
I guy goes to a new gelati shop. He is overwhelmed by the choice and after a few minutes of silence the shop keeper offers some help. "Mate, do you like the taste of pussy?" he asks the guy. "Sure" he says sheepishly. So the shop keeper makes him a pussy flavoured gelati and he heads off.

Two minutes later the customer comes back in. "Mate this tastes like s**t" he says in disgust. The shop keeper replies "you have to take shorter licks".
Click to expand...
I'll admit it, I laughed.
 
Stopher said:
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves
Click to expand...
hqdefault.jpg
 
An Afro-American, a Latino American and a white American are the only people on a bus. A lantern rolls down the aisle and the three wrestle to rub it. No-one can tell who succeeds. A genie appears.
"I will grant each of you one wish", he says.
The Afro-American says, "My people were enslaved and taken from their happy homes in Africa. I want them all returned to Africa.
"NTTAWWT" it happens.
The Latino says, "My people had to enter the US illegally because our home country was a shithole. Make Mexico a better country and send us all back."
"NTTAWWT" it happens.
The white American says, "Just clear this up for me, all the blacks and Hispanics have left America?"
"Yes" says the genie.
"In that case I'll have a coke."
 
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