Roast The Unofficial Marijuana Discussion (...Depression Thread? What?)

[Temploar]

(Removed)

 

[speedytiger]

Mate last month i put the great tommy hafey quote on the wall. If it is to be, it's up to me.

 

[Snag Breac]

My life really sucks at the moment, I have just turned 20 a few months ago and it feels like I'm going nowhere.

I work in a low skilled job and live at home with my 13 year old brother and abusive mother and it feels like all she wants is my money.
My father passed away when I was 8 after having no real connection with me.

I left school at the end of Year 11 to pursue a career in IT. I've completed my Certificate II in Computer Assembly and was halfway through an Advanced Diploma in Computer Engineering when my life really hit a turning point, I was struggling to do to the work assigned to me during my course because my mum forced me to get a job and to pay my way.

Working 2 days a week was just not enough for me to sustain my life at home, I also wanted all the luxuries of being able to eat whatever I wanted and to buy whatever I wanted as well, As it feels to me like If I am working then I should at least see some benefit from it, so I started working 3 days ; but because of this work it felt like a real struggle for me to do 3 days of work and manage my TAFE course as well, as the teachers were not particularly helpful. If I missed a day of class due to work commitments then it was "Too bad, Use google to answer your questions, you didn't come to my class so I cannot help you"
I ended up not going back to TAFE at the start of this year, with the course unfinished, and I've been working 4 days a week ever since.

My job is extremely repetitive and tedious, It's not something that I want to do for the rest of my life, and If I end up doing so then I have become a failure as a human being.
If I had to say something that I did like about it then it would be the casual environment and decent people involved (Aside from one person who I will get into later)

I often regularly have fights with my mother, she has anger management issues and anxiety, and my brother might have some form of autism based on the way he acts.


I look very much like my father who has given my mother a lot of grief in the past, he was a drug user and abused my mother many times before he passed away.
Me and my mother have never seen eye-to-eye with each other since I was in High school as that was a very troubling time for me, I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, skipping school and not doing homework.
We would always argue when I wasn't doing my homework, and it would escalate to the point where she would come upstairs, bang my door down and start to abuse me physically.

Obviously every time she did this she would threaten that if I did any thing back to her then she would call the police.
I don't like conflict, so I'd always dealt with it by running away, at one point she kicked me out of the house after midnight and If it wasn't for my girlfriend at the time I would have slept on the driveway.

I've tried to right my wrongs by attending this course and completely cutting contact with the bad people I hung out with in high school, but unfortunately that has left me with not a single friend.
All the people that I thought were decent in High School have either left me or I've left them.

These days my brother constantly tries to get me in trouble, if I as much as talk to him these days then there is an issue. It feels like my mum always takes his side of the story 100% of the time because he is the younger sibling, I've been reduced to the point where I cannot talk to him any more.
I am very much like my father and this pains my mother to see as she just want's to unleash all her hate out on me.

I've recently had a falling out with my supervisor at work, She believes that my attitude towards her is wrong, as she is the leader she believes I am in no position to question what she makes me do.
I've had a few incidents where I've spoken back to her, simply because I don't agree with her methods of doing things, and it's ended up in full blown arguments where the boss has had to get involved.

I've not spoken to my mother at all in the last 2 weeks even though we have been living in the same household.
The last time I spoke to her I had explained to her that I was in an argument with my supervisor at work and she told me "It's your fault, you can't get along with anyone, just look at yourself in the mirror you piece of s**t"
I know it's not true, as I can get along with everyone at work bar my supervisor just fine.
However after that I ended up getting very drunk that night at my uncle's place, and called her telling her that I hated her guts. She told me that she has removed me from her will and doesn't want anything to do with me.
I had to beg to her that it's obvious I can't move out of home as I don't have a cent to my name.

Financially things are very hard to me, I get paid fortnightly and I'm blowing all of my money within the first 3 days of getting paid. I pay my mother the $200 she needs for me to stay at home (even though she hasn't done s**t for me the last two weeks), I also pay for my phone plan $50, Petrol $100, and also paying off my $18,000 car. About $14,000 is already paid off, because I had a trust fund set up when my father died, but unfortunately a lot of my money was taken out by my mother before I turned 18 because I didn't realize it was legal for her to be doing that, and I have no idea where this money went. (Most likely to pay off my mothers house which apparently isn't mine any more)

With the rest of the money I get I have been gambling it away as I hate my current lifestyle and just want to get away. I'm trying to do whatever I can to get rich quick, and deep in my mind I know it's a losers game but I can't stop because I just think "Who the hell cares anyway? Surely not me"
Horse racing, Blackjack, Tattslotto, Pokies, AFL betting, you name it. It's taking my money away.

If I need any money during the rest of the fortnight, I am often getting handouts from my fathers family just to compensate for my problems.

Last Friday I thought it was the final straw at my workplace as I had yet another incident with my supervisor, she told me that "If this was my company you'd have been gone a long time ago, so you better watch your back as I've been telling the boss every time you get on my nerves and you're on a fine line here"

It made me feel physically sick as I'd known I'd done nothing wrong, she's just had it in for me for a long time now.

Friday night felt like I had almost hit rock bottom, No education, nobody to rely on, and it felt like pretty sure I was going to lose my job.
If I lose my job I lose everything, I won't be able to pay for my car, I won't be able to live at home, etc.

I was driving home from work and thinking Okay if this is it then I want to go now, I don't want to hit rock bottom. I quickly accelerated to 120km/h on the freeway and closed my eyes hoping that i'd hit something. After 5 seconds I thought that it was useless, I'm too scared to attempt to take my life. So I drove home and didn't sleep at all that night.

I got to work on Monday and was basically told that the line was drawn there, Both me and my supervisor were in the wrong apparently.
We both received a warning, but she had a further written warning taken against her as it's not the first time she's been involved in an incident at work, I've heard as many as 5 people have made complaints about her.

Anyway there's no breathing room for me at this job any more, and for the last week I've been feeling sick, I have not been able to sleep for longer than 3 hours a night, And I have no appetite, I have a heart condition which will probably mean I need surgery at age 50+ and may provide complications in the future, but I have not been able to stay awake at work so I've been drinking about 4 red bulls a day not caring about how this may affect me.

I've never been a smoker and absolutely despise it, but I've been contemplating having my first cigarette as I just don't give a damn what happens to me any more.
I'd be absolutely stuffed on alcohol right about now, But I don't have the money to afford it as I have about 5 dollars in my wallet which has to last me until Monday.

I'm simply over everything, It feels like my life does not have a purpose, Why do I go to work to get abused? Why do I come home to get abused?
If I had it my way I'd be happy just being left alone all my life.

I probably need to see a doctor about this before everything gets worse, But I've seen many doctors before to 'help' me when my father passed away and it did nothing for me, they just blurt out the same crap that never really works.

---

If anyone can provide any useful information to me then I'd greatly appreciate it.
It was just good to get this off my chest.
Sorry to bother you all with my issues.

Tempest, you've been devastatingly honest here, and I wish I could take you home and look after you. You've got off to a difficult start in life - a start that would challenge anyone. You need some help and encouragement, and I'd suggest you start with Beyond Blue - look here:
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/

You do sound as if you're depressed. My husband suffers from depression. I didn't handle it very well for a few years. I tried to jolly him along, pointing out how lucky we were compared to so many people. But that doesn't work. He ended up getting medical help and seeing a psychologist for several months. BTW, you can get 10 sessions for free. It's really helped him, as has the medication. He's much happier and easier to live with now. I really wish we'd done something sooner.

You're young, with your whole life ahead of you, and that life is worth fighting for. This is a fabulous website - Ted Talks - where world experts on just about everything share their insights. There are YouTubes and articles on depression here.
http://www.ted.com/watch/topics/depression

I know you say you can't leave home, but it sounds like a totally toxic environment. Can't you go to any of your father's people for a time? Start with Beyond Blue and see what advice they can give you about getting practical help. All the very best, and as the Dalai Lama says, "Do not let the behaviour of another ruin your inner peace."

 

[CasuallyDressed]

Damn man.

I really hope you go to your boss and speak to him/her personally. If you put the issues on the table then it's possible they can help you? Especially if they already knew that this supervisor has been involved in conflict before. Is it possible to get moved to a new shift? Or a different area? I really hope something can be figured out for you.

Are you able to move in with any friends? Do you have any that might want to share a house? It might be worth seeing if anybody is interested especially since life at home sounds so horrible. It doesn't like like talking to your mother will actually work but I don't really want to comment much about your family etc.

I hope you can figure some things out mate. The last thing you want to get involved in is gambling, especially if you don't have to money to stabilise after a lose and are looking to place more money down to recoup loses. It really won't help and I have been there as a night shift worker with energy drinks and I advise to get off them as soon as possible.

Also, not to sound offensive, but if your own medicare then you can see a psychiatrist for free. I don't think you sound like a head case or anything but if you're feeling depressed then this could help. I had my period of anger issues and so forth and speaking to somebody outside the family or any friends helped.

 

[blaze036]

Good on you for starting a conversation about the issues you are facing.. it's definitely the first step to getting everything on track.

Obviously the first thing I would suggest is NEVER EVER GAMBLE AGAIN. Easier said than done, but gambling is an insidious cancer that will forever cripple you financially and cause you great stress and hardship as you become increasing desperate to get money.

Unfortunately there aren't a whole lot of great jobs when you don't have the education to get them but there are plenty of things you could consider if you don't like your job. You sound like you need to get away from things for a while, maybe joining the Navy and spending 6 months at sea? Get away from your family, get away from gambling, get paid good money, potentially start a long career... just an idea.

Whatever happens you must stop gambling

 

[CasuallyDressed]

I work night shift now and it's a right prick of a shift. I've put on weight and relied on energy drinks in the past... no doubt it's life effecting. However, if it gets you away from this supervisor that could be really aiming to get you fired, it might be worth exploring until you can find something better.

If you've had thoughts about suicide then my feeling is you probably need to speak to somebody or seek help from somewhere. It's obviously very, very serious when you start having thoughts like that.

As Blaze said, gambling can become addictive especially when you gain a thirst for the win. I suggest setting a limit and doing your best to follow it... remind yourself of the consequence that wasting too much money there can have. I'm sure there are other things you could do to escape?

 

[Smokeyr67]

When it hit me, the best thing for me was admiting I had an issue and then seeing my GP.

 

[mattys123]

Thanks for the Navy idea, I never really thought of that and I will look into it and see if there is anything I can do.

First I want to acknowledge the guts it took to actually come on here and write what you did.

Second, there are now 12 month jobs in the Armed services (mainly Army but some Navy and Air Force) that give you a sense of worth but also a qualification at the end of it (plus you'd get away from your family for 12 months). I've had a mate who wasn't too dissimilar to you years back and he's now one of the world's best under water bomb disposal experts, so it is something you should consider.

Thanks for sharing anyway, I'm sure there's plenty of others on here who can relate to your circumstances too.

 

[sirlothie]

Don't do anything stupid mate, I know exactly the position you are in as I have been there myself. I was 20, trying to juggle part time work and full time double degree, I couldn't afford to study and was making a pittance at work doing 25 hours for $200, got kicked out of home for wanting to go to a party and ended up with a broken jaw that night and homeless with $50 to my name. Being 20, I spent it on piss...

Look at the positives, you've got wheels, I reckon your mum is taking you for a ride and at your age you should be out living with people your own age, it will make you much more happy and independent and will probably make you eligible for centrelink which will make share house living probably cheaper for you than now.

Then you just have to get domesticated my man, learn how to cook your own food and do shopping on the cheap, shouldn't cost more than $10 a day for food. There's programs out there to help you gather bond if needed and with independent centrelink youth allowance and rent assistance, you'd have a hundred a week for school and travel related expenses.

Then you could focus 100% on your studies. Betting has to go, absolute mugs game, may as well throw it down toilet or better yet give it to me. If you want luxuries like going out, eating out you will have to keep on working but at your age EXPLORE, you will be surprised what employers will pay young, fit workers your age, move away from the teenage type jobs.

You must take action tomorrow and every day until your s**t is sorted, even if you have to defer your study and quit your job, housing comes first. It's not hard to make it look like you got the arse to get centrelink.

There's no reason why you can't finish your studies at any age let alone 20. But you need to lay foundation to build a house.

I came from exact same situation if not worse, done it all so if you want advice on anything let me know mate. Anything you want to do, you can do.

 

[Cory]

It was very hard for me to read this mate, I never pictured you had this in your life always seemed very great to me and I consider you a really good friend on here. As well as others said it took a lot of guts to say this stuff, better out then in.

I really think you should see your GP about it, I think also you need to remove the negativity out of your life.

What would happen if you told the Police about the psychical abuse you got as a kid? would it be too late. That's really disgusting that your own mother did that.

 

[sirlothie]

Eventually mate you will get sick of blowing your cash in 3 days and starving for 11. Just ditch your mum, you're 20, you're an adult and she is probably nudging you out the door, 'tough love' some call it.

Be the man and walk out the door, plan and execute, you could do it in 2 weeks. Then visit your mum once a month with a bunch of flowers and things will be much better. You only get one mum.

Find a girlfriend and split a unit with her, she will make sure you have no money for gambling!

 

[blaze036]

I appreciate the support, I've had enough of all this crap and had to say it somewhere, better to do it with people that I've been around for 4 years instead of a complete stranger eh.

I need to see my GP, I know that, I don't want to, but I need to man up.

It's really hard to say this but as every day goes by I feel like I can't love my mother any more, which is very depressing as she's the only parent I've got.
If I told the police about everything that's happened and everything she's done to me then they wouldn't do anything. I've dealt with the police before, they only step in on the most extreme of cases.
My mother has even threatened me to call the cops on her, many times, "They'll take me away but for what? One night. And then you'll be gone forever cause I'll make sure that You'll never see me or your brother again" is what she said.

I value you as a friend on here, keep on posting the good stuff.



I won't do anything stupid, I'm too weak to do such a thing, It's not that I value my life at the moment, but I'm afraid of getting it wrong and messing my body up. (suicide attempt)
I've researched many ways and there's just no way i'd like to do it. I know it's terrible for me to say this.

My mum's been taking me for a ride all of my life.

I can't really be bothered with centrelink but I will have to look into it anyway.
I can cook basic stuff, food and shopping will just become another expense for me, If I am to buy my own food then I will NEED centrelink.
At the moment I am freeloading off others and eating 3 day old pizzas. That's not good.

Betting does have to go, I think it's hard to go cold turkey as i've tried to before and did not last long. But if i can cut out all of the horse racing crap I'd be a lot better off.

This was payday last week and I'd lost over $100 without even winning anything.

I think I need to start with getting a new job,
this one isn't making me any happier.

Think how much easier your life would be if you had all that money you have lost gambling.

If you don't stop now in 2 years time your going to be looking back wishing you stopped. Going cold turkey is hard but sometimes you have to do these hard things to get your life back on track

 

[sirlothie]

I am no doctor but I have thought I had depression before and anxiety, and must say there is a difference between depression and being depressed about the position you are in. Depression meds do not feel great and you would probably bin them within a week.

If i were you id seek out a youth counsellor and just lay out all of your problems to them and they will tell you all your available options and open up a vast interconnected support network dealing with everything, depression included.

Just tell them you feel at risk and be as honest as you have been here.

 

[sirlothie]

The things they do for people under 25 particularly are great.

 

[blaze036]

I agree, I've already lost so much, I'd probably have blown a lot in 2 years.
I'm gonna try, next time I get paid I won't touch sportsbet or a TAB at all.

Maybe after you get paid come on here and tell us whether you made a bet or not in updates

If you honestly have to tell people whether you want it can keep you accountable

 

[blaze036]

Alright, I promise I'll let you all know.

I'm going to delete Sportsbet from my 'favorites' on google chrome too.

What about the smartphone

 

[sirlothie]

What area do you live? They'd get you on gamblers help too if you wanted.

Depression meds to me well it felt like it switched off half of my brain... I couldn't feel a negative emotion if I wanted to, I was just a zombie. Never take one again.

It's your diet and stress making you feel like s**t, both easy fixed.

 

[ThisIsJake]

I have depression, and i thought people would think i'm nuts if i came out with it. But eventually i told a few people close to me and got onto a psychiatrist(i too had suicidal thoughts), you would be shocked at how many people have these problems and don't talk about them, i still can't tell most people but just having one or two people is huge.

and after a few Psychiatrists/physiologists i found one that was great to talk to and bloody oath has it helped.

I would strongly suggest staying with your grandparents and talking to them about this stuff, if you would feel guilty about staying there for free i'm sure they would understand that you are going through a tough time and you could pay them back in the long run when your life is on track. even if it means giving up your stuff for now, because that can always be earned back but you have to prioritise getting your life back on track at the moment. if your mums rent was gone plus the extra money from cutting out gambling hopefully you would be able to finish your course and pursue a career.

you need a goal, think about a goal and everything you do, every step you take needs to be towards that.

 

[sirlothie]

I dont know northern suburbs at all but ask centrelink for a youth worker referral. If they ask why just say your home situation isnt the best, then a counsellor will ask for your life story and point you in right directions for things you need help with, can provide you with necessities as well. Be surprised the things they can get help for you with.

 

[Thetruth14]

It was very hard to write this but like I said to Cory, it was you guys so it made it easier.

I don't think I could see myself doing bomb disposal, lol. But the navy has a lot to offer.

I know I'm not the only one going through this crap so It's really re-assuring people are willing to offer support.

http://www.defencejobs.gov.au

We'll have you.

 

[blaze036]

 

[Vicky Park]

Hi Tempest, I wish you all the best. There is a lot of very good advice on here, and I hope you benefit from it. One step at a time, one day at a time. And keep up the communication with the BF community!

 

[Smokeyr67]

What do depression meds feel like? I think I really need something to chill me out at the moment and recreational drugs are a no-no

It depends on what your on, but for me (depression and social anxiety disorder) the meds just kept my emotions in a normal range - instead of having very deep lows and correspondingly high highs, it leveled out the peaks and troughs. As for manning up to see your GP, it's well worth the effort. I found the hardest part was the whole first appointment, from picking up the phone to sitting in the waiting room and then explaining my issues to the Doc, but after a couple of visits I actually found myself looking forward to the next one.

Seeing your GP really is the best thing you can do, it starts opening doors to all the treatment options, and for me after the first visit I was wondering why I hadn't done something sooner

 

[Primetime Pricey]

Tempest i understand what ur going through. I suffer from depression, was on medication for a long time, tried to kill myself a few times, Marriage broke down and now divorced, have a daughter i havent seen since 2 weeks old and she is now almost 8, currently bankrupt due to a gambling addiction and have another 2 years to go and back living at home til i can sort out my life. Its tough.
If you ever need any advice just PM me or i can give you my mobile or something if you want to chat. Sometimes its easier to have conversation with someone you dont know but share the same disease cause u know they know what ur going through.
Anyways the worst thing you can do is not talk about these things and not deal with it, it will only get worse. Trust me i know.

 

[sirlothie]

I can't get my head around gambling addiction... obviously it exists, you only have to go to Crown at 4am to see it in action.

But for me every time I've gambled I've been so angry at myself for losing the money I swear never to do it again. I'm not trying to be high and mighty, I have had addiction problems before with substances.

Is it just addiction to chasing your losses?

I beat my 15 year smoking addiction by seeing a doctor for medication, and to keep me on track the money I saves I would reward myself with something small, like a DVD or a nice steak for dinner, half a dozen stubbies, whatever.

I recommend doing this because it takes away the feeling of missing out, instead you feel like you have gained something. Pretty soon these small steps at improving your life become habit, you build positive momentum rather than negative momentum. Now I don't go a day without doing at least one thing to improve my life in some way, even if your broke you can still go for a walk, clean your house, mow the lawns, do something so you go to bed feeling like you accomplished something that day.

I joined a cheap gym around the corner and it's great because it makes you cut out alcohol and sweets because you don't want to ruin your work, when you are a bit antsy to do something negative like bet or whatever, you can sweat out those feelings and keep yourself occupied with some treadmill or weights, and you walk out feeling good about yourself rather than beating yourself up.

Write a to do list of small things you have been meaning to do, and little by little cross them off and it's a contagious habit. Just like doing bad things causes habits.

It's completely turned around the direction of my life in a matter of 3 months...