Robbo proclaimed on AFL360 tonight that he’d love some sleep. Working 19 hours a day is starting to get to him; and here at the BigFooty News, we get the insight into what that day is like.

10am: Wake up, dust stale Doritos off chest, find some particularly stubborn crumbs nestled in chest hair. Undergo painful removal procedure with tweezers. Not a good start.

10:30am: Breakfast of everything. Anything unlucky enough to get in the way of my jaws is devoured with consummate ease. I have swallowed forks before. I snigger at my helpless quarry.

12:00pm: Breakfast is finished, but lunch is just beginning. Operate motor scooter to drive thru lane at KFC, order one of everything on the menu (two popcorn chickens, though. and a bottle of water, I’m on a diet.) Park motor scooter in small secluded copse off local park. Observe.

1:00pm: Straddle motor scooter once more and wobble home. Park self in front of computer. Load up four windows with proxies running, go on BigFooty/Twitter/Facebook/Herald Sun/Pornhub websites. Start argument with own alias on Bay 13, call everyone a flog then get red carded. Create new alias “Dong Lord 420”. Snicker to self.

4:00pm: After marathon session of making notes from threads in the Scandals & Rumors board, send all notes to editor at the Herald Sun. Getting pretty hungry, tip fridge on side and lick condensation off the rear freezer.

5:00pm: Back to BigFooty. Post on Essendon board about how Hurley is definitely gone just to entice some “sources” out. Mangle spelling so badly that I am called out to be Robbo. The flashing red X in the top corner calls to me and I make good my escape from my sinking ship. I gasp with relief, the sudden intake of air causes one lung to collapse. Pass out.

8:00pm: I wake up in the hospital on a respirator. I have no idea how I got here. Somehow I am alive. I struggle to reach my bag of personal belongings, which contains my laptop. I then log onto BigFooty & the Herald Sun and write an article using plagiarised quotes from threads. Fart loudly, giggle.

8:30pm: Discharged from hospital. Ambulance transfer home.

9:00pm: KFC trip II. 2 of everything to calm the nerves.

10:00pm: I make a fort out of empty KFC boxes. This amuses me greatly and I spend some time as lord and god-king of the arena.

12:00am: Check to see if anyone has taken the Hurley-bait. Nobody has, I wipe a solitary tear away with a grease-smeared hand.

12:30am: Post as each individual alias to try to get people to take the Hurley-bait. Nothing doing. Slam hands onto keyboard, simultaneously cracking it and severing any link with the outside world.

1:00am: Finish crying, pass out on computer chair.

2:00am: Wake up, fish the ESC key out of nose. Wander through house searching for food.

5:00am: Sleep takes me. I pass out.