More eagerly awaited than a “WOWEE” from Brian Taylor…

More wonderfully articulated than an elocution course conducted by Andrew Demetriou…

Fairer than Adelaide’s fixture…

It’s the 2012 edition of everyone’s favourite awards – The Punter Awards!

The Aunty Jack Award for best ability to “Rip Your Bloody Arms Off”

To Chris Judd, who knows more than three ways to kill a man before he hits the ground.

The Kim Kardashian Award for greatest collection of ultimately useless achievements

To Richmond, who beat both Grand Finalists, had the Brownlow favourite and the Coleman Medal winner… and finished 12th.

The George Costanza Award for the most counterproductive push for extra cash

To Travis Cloke, who held out for a better contract and forgot what the ball looked like.

The Muhammed Ali Award for Best Punch

That wall never saw Alastair Clarkson coming.

The Heath Streak Award for Best Plugging Away in a Lost Cause

To Gary Ablett, who polled twice as many Brownlow Votes as his team had Premiership Points.

The Tinman Award for Best Performance without a Functioning Heart

Lenny Hayes – 3rd Trevor Barker Award, All-Australian Squad Member, 19 Brownlow Votes. He’ll be even better next season after visiting the Emerald City.

The Julia Gillard Award for Best Bloodless Coup

To Mick Malthouse, who somehow managed to find himself coach at Carlton through no work of his own.

The Dermott Brereton Award for Most Innovative Use of Footy Boots

To Josh Hunt, who confused Eddie Betts with a footpath.

And now for the old favourites…

The Nathan Bassett Perpetual Trophy for best ability to ride a teammates coattails into the All-Australian Team

To Nic Natanui, the first man to ever do this while playing the exact same position as the teammate whose coattails he was riding: Dean Cox.

The Jason Akermanis Award for Worst Ability at Keeping Your Mouth Shut

Who else could win this award? Comments about Jim Stynes, gay footballers and “dribblers” made this award a non-event for another year. Good work Jason.