Certified Legendary Thread The Cut

[Crimson Azure]

Nothing to worry about guys, trust me.

 

[The Mighty Boosh]

Cale: [to Neeld] Look, I'm sorry, I-I didn't get your name. I got yours, uh, Misson, right? But-But I-I never got your...
Neeld: My name is Pitt, and your ass ain't talking your way outta this s**t.
Cale: [rising] No, no, no. I just want you to know how – [Neeld motions him to sit down] I just want you to know how sorry we are that-that things got so ****ed up with us and-and hard ball gets. I-I-It...we-we got into this thing with the best intentions. Really. I never...
[Neeld picks up a set of weights, Cale recoils in horror]
Neeld: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. You were sayin' something about "best intentions"? [silence] What's the matter? Oh, y-you were finished? Oh, well, allow me to retort. What does a hard ball get feel like?
Cale: What?
Neeld: What country are you from?
Cale: What?
Neeld: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak English in "What"?
Cale: What?
Neeld: English, mother****er! Do you speak it?
Cale: Yes.
Neeld: Then you know what I'm saying.
Cale: Yes.
Neeld: Describe what a hard ball get feels like.
Cale: What...?
Neeld: [forces Cale's hands onto weights] Say "what" again. Say "what" again. I dare you. I double-dare you, mother****er. Say "what" one more goddamn time.
Cale: Err.... It's.. hard?
Neeld: Go on.
Cale: Requires physical contact?
Neeld: Are you a bitch, Cale?
Cale: What?
Neeld: [releases weights into Cale's hands; Cale screams] ARE...YOU...A... BITCH?!
Cale: [in pain] No!
Neeld: Then why'd you run away like a bitch, Cale?
Cale: [faintly] I didn't.
Neeld: Yes, you did. Yes, you did, Cale. You shirked it. And hard ball gets can't be shirked by anyone anymore. You read the Bible, Cale?
Cale: [gasping for breath] Yes.
Neeld: Well, there's this passage I've got memorized, sorta fits the occasion. Ezekiel 25:17? "The path of the hard man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of lazy men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will guides the weak into the weight room at the MFC, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. [begins pacing about the room] And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to shirk a hard ball get and avoid tackling. And you will know that I am the Coach...when I force a weights training regime upon thee.

[Cale Shrieks as Neeld and Misson put him through a weights session.]

 

[00Stinger]

Very funny indeed.

Always give respect to a man who knows his 'Pulp Fiction'

 

[d33my]

Neeld: I don't need you to tell me how ****ing good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Mrs Neeld goes shopping she buys s**t. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the Recycled Player clogging up my backline.
Sellar: Oh, Mark, don't even worry about that...
Neeld: When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign that said 'Recycled Player Storage?'
Sellar: Mark, you know I ain't seen no...
Neeld: [cutting him off again; getting angry] Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said "Recycled Player Storage"?
Sellar: No. I didn't.
Neeld: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Sellar: Why?
Neeld: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing recycled players ain't my ****ing business, that's why!

A phone call later:

Mitch Clark: You're... Mark, right? This is your football club?
Neeld: Sure is.
Clark: I'm Mitch Clark. I solve problems.
Neeld: Good. We got one.
Clark: So I heard. May I come in?
Neeld: Uh, yeah. Please do.

 

[Bluelegs]

The worst thing about the win is that this thread will suffer for it.

 

[d33my]

I'd like to think the players who feature in it used it to get angry and play better football. We're doing our part.

 

[RandB]

I'd like to think the players who feature in it used it to get angry and play better football. We're doing our part.

They'd take that comment seriously on D'Land and shoot you down for it lol.

 

[LeverPuller]

Hird: Aw, the Essendon Bombers!
Thompson: I think coaching the Essendon Bombers is pretty good.
Hird: Yeah, yeah.
Thompson: Well, explain to me why it isn't.
Hird: You just don't understand football, Mark.

 

[LeverPuller]

Petterd: Oh! Oh! Oh! Mark! Mark! Mark! Over here! Over here!
Neeld: Um...I'll take...Nathan.
Petterd: Saving the best for last, huh Mark?
Neeld: Yeah, that must be it.

(@Crimson Azure, Biffinator, RandB, could one of you go through the earlier pre-move pages and fix the videos if you get the chance?)

 

[RandB]

(@Crimson Azure, Biffinator, RandB, could one of you go through the earlier pre-move pages and fix the videos if you get the chance?)

Done

 

[Supermercado]

Our newest assistant coach gave his first half time speech on Saturday

 

[d33my]

Don McLardy: [on phone] Okay, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said. Goodbye.
[hangs up] Melbourne members, come over here.
Members: What is it?
McLardy: I want you to hear what the coaches down at the club think of your team.
[phone rings]
McLardy: Hello?
Neeld: Um, the Melbourne Football club is a... brilliant team with lots of well thought-out, practical, ideas. The talented players are ensuring the reputation and playing future of this club for years to come. Oh yes, and their personal hygiene is above reproach.

 

[d33my]

Neeld: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Garland: Okay.
Neeld: Embrace nothingness.
Garland: You got it.
Neeld: Become like an uncarved stone.
Garland: Done.
Neeld: Colin, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about.
Garland: True.
Neeld: Well, it's very frustrating.
Garland: I'll bet.

EDIT: It's worth pointing out that this one has been done already in this thread by Aenimence - which I didn't realise at the time. Sorry mate.

It's also worth pointing out that it remains forever relevant.

 

[tasmanlvr]

Neeld: "We're putting in a rare and valuable good half forward flanker this week. Petterd!"
McLardy: "What exactly does this player do...?"
Neeld: "Uh... what does he do?"
Craig: "Uh... well..."
Brown: "Good question..."
Neeld: "Well, it would certainly make a handsome forward line!"
McLardy: "YOU FOOLS! You search for months and you bring me this bloke? You are total incompetents!"

Neeld: "If we follow this form, that will lead us right to picks three and four."
Morton: "Haha, we're pretty bad, aren't we?"
McLardy: "If we're so bad, how come GWS and Gold Coast are behind us?"
Morton: "I guess you have a point there."

Spencer (to Morton): "You're so pathetic that even Neeld feels sorry for you! I've never seen anyone as pathetic as you!"
Melbourne fans: "Have you tried a mirror?"

Inspiration: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Pokémon#Dialogue

 

[The Mighty Boosh]

- And you've got weird nuts!
- What! How did you...
- If you're going to watch the TV in your dressing gown, you might want to put some pants on.

Above quote is to no one in particular and everyone. Right now the MFC has weird nuts. And if you haven't seen "The Peep Show" download it today 'cause you're doing your funny bone a disservice.

 

[Dory_77]

- And you've got weird nuts!
- What! How did you...
- If you're going to watch the TV in your dressing gown, you might want to put some pants on.

Above quote is to no one in particular and everyone. Right now the MFC has weird nuts. And if you haven't seen "The Peep Show" download it today 'cause you're doing your funny bone a disservice.

I wonder if it would be possible to break into Scully's apartment and write 'JUDAS' on his bed in meat, with a note saying 'What, I thought you liked Pork?'

 

[00Stinger]

Misson and Viney take in the place, with their hands in their pockets. Misson is the one who does the talking.
MISSION How you boys doin'?
No answer.
MISSON(to MORTON) Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question?.
MORTON We're doin' okay.
As Neeld and Morton talk, Viney moves behind the young Guys.
MISSON Do you know who we are?
MORTON shakes his head: "No."
MISSON We're associates of your senior coach Mark Neeld, you remember your coach dont'ya?
No answer.
MISSON(to MORTON)Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Cale, right?
MORTON I'm Cale.
MISSON I thought so. Well, you remember your senior coach Mark Neeld, dont'ya Cale?
MORTON I remember him.
MISSON Good for you. Looks like me and Todd caught you at snack time, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?
MORTON Protein bars
MISSON Protein bars. The cornerstone of any nutritious snack after a hard training session. What kinda protein bar?
MORTON Chocolate Musashi Pure Whey Protein Bars.
MISSON No, I mean where did you get'em, Healthzone, Healthvita, GNC, where?
MORTON Discount Chemist
MISSON Discount Chemist. That's that chemist joint. I heard they got some tasty vitamins and such. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?
MORTON They're good.
MISSON Mind if I try one of yours?
MORTON No.
MISSON Yours is this one, right?
MORTON Yeah.
Misson grabs the protein bar and take a bite of it.
MISSON Uuummmm, that's a tasty protein bar.
(to VINEY) Todd, you ever try a Chocolate Musashi protein bar?
VINEY No.
Misson holds out the protein bar.
MISSON You wanna bite, they're real good.
VINEY I ain't done a work out today.
MISSON Well, if you like protein bars give'em a try sometime. Me, I can't usually eat 'em 'cause my girlfriend's against put on muscle and s**t. Which more or less makes it hard for me to eat protein bars at home, but I sure love the taste of good protein whey.
(to MORTON) You know what they call being in front at the end of a game at Collingwood?
MORTON No.
MISSON Tell 'em, Todd.
VINEY A win.
MISSON A god damn win, you know why they call it that?
MORTON Because they do it a fair bit?
MISSON Check out the big brain on Cale. You'a smart mother*er, that's right. They win all the mother******* time.
(he points to a drink cup)
What's in this?
MORTON It's a protein shake
MISSON A protein shake, good, mind if I have some of your tasty protein shake to wash this down with?
MORTON Sure.
Misson grabs the cup and takes a sip.
MISSON Uuuuummmm, hit's the spot!
(to BATE) You, Flock of reserve grade spuds, you know what we're here for?
BATE nods his head: "Yes."
MISSON Then why don't you tell my boy here Viney, where you got the s**t hid.
DUNN It's under the be –
MISSON – I don't remember askin' you a goddamn thing.
(to BATE)You were sayin'?
BATE It's under the massage bed.
Viney moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a black snap briefcase.
VINEY Got it.
Viney flips the two locks, opening the case. Inside is the long lost transcript of Norm Smith's 'How to run a successful MFC'. Viney just stares at it, transfixed.
MISSON We happy?
No answer from the transfixed Viney.
MISSON Todd!
Viney looks up at Misson.
MISSON We happy?
Closing the case.
VINEY We're happy.

 

[d33my]

Lost my s**t at 'Flock of reserve grade spuds'!

 

[The Mighty Boosh]

Meanwhile at training...

Craig: Yeah. I think Garland's point of view is very valid, Neeld, provided the MFC never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--
Watts: Or woman.
Craig: Or woman... to rid himself--
Watts: Or herself.
Craig: Or herself.
Neeld: Agreed.
Craig: Thank you, brother.
Watts: Or sister.
Craig: Or sister. Where was I?
Neeld: I think you'd finished.
Craig: Oh. Right.
Neeld: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
Watts: Or woman.
Neeld: Why don't you shut up about women, Jack. You're putting us off.
Watts: Women have a perfect right to play a part in the MFC, Mark.
Craig: Why are you always on about women, Jack?
Watts: I want to be one.
Neeld: What?
Watts: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
Neeld: What?!
LORETTA: It's my right as a man.
Garland: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Jack?
LORETTA: I want to have babies.
Neeld: You want to have babies?!
LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Neeld: But... you can't have babies.
LORETTA: Don't you oppress me.
Neeld: I'm not oppressing you, Jack. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA: crying
Garland: Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even Collingwood's, but that he can have the right to have babies.
Craig: Good idea, Judy. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
Neeld: What's the point?
Craig: What?
Neeld: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
Craig It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Neeld: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

 

[CTHORANGE]

At half time of 186; Bailey opened up his manila folder:

Dear Dean, IOU one emergency game plan. Signed Dean. Bastard! He’s always one step ahead!

 

[Beats]

Dean Bailey addresses the team:

DB: Alright team, there's three ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way and the Dean Bailey way.
Cale: Isn't that the wrong way?
DB: Yes, but faster.

 

[d33my]

Draft day, 2004.

Neale Daniher: [to himself] Look, Newton won't want to play for us, so just ask
him and he'll say "No." Then it'll be his fault.
Michael 'Juice' Newton: [to himself] I don't want to play for the Dees, so if he asks me to play,
I'll just say, "Yes!"
Juice's brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
Juice: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
Daniher: [through clenched teeth] Juice, I really want you to play for the Melbourne Football Club.
Juice: [through clenched teeth] Neale, I'd be delighted to join your team.
Daniher and Juice: D'oh!

 

[Bluelegs]

Draft day, 2004.

Neale Daniher: [to himself] Look, Newton won't want to play for us, so just ask
him and he'll say "No." Then it'll be his fault.
Michael 'Juice' Newton: [to himself] I don't want to play for the Dees, so if he asks me to play,
I'll just say, "Yes!"
Juice's brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
Juice: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
Daniher: [through clenched teeth] Juice, I really want you to play for the Melbourne Football Club.
Juice: [through clenched teeth] Neale, I'd be delighted to join your team.
Daniher and Juice: D'oh!

On the topic of Juice. weren't him and Petterd good mates? Maybe that's why Petterd is having so much trouble this season. Then again Blease's old mate left and he's been showing a fair bit.

 

[00Stinger]

OPENING SCENE
Peter Hitchener delivers the news.
PETER
(chuckling) ...which if true, means death for us all. And now, "Pete's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about Jack Grimes, a twenty-three-year-old Melbournian who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.
We see a young boy in the back seat of a car.
PETER
Made by his parents to barrack for melbourne at age four, Jack never got to support a good team.
In fact, Grimes is not in the car, he is stood behind the Southern Stand after a Melbourne loss. More pictures accompany the story.
PETER
He spent his childhood years as a cheer squad member, watching other teams success. Then, on his eighteenth birthday, he was drafted to the Melbourne Football Club as it embarked on one of its darkest periods.
We see Melbourne getting smashed. Cut to Grimes at training, bandaged from head to toe.
PETER
During his long apprentiship he taught himself to hear and feel for the club again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day to practice his football skills. And, last week, Jack Grimes, the man who had to struggle through all Melbournes darkest peiods, received his correspondence MFC captaincy, -- with a minor in determination.

 

[00Stinger]

CLOSING SCENE

GRIMES
Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole team is insane. Insane, I tell you! Daahh! Aaah!
Grimes runs off the training track, and into the coaches room.
GRIMES
I can be lazy too!
Grimes takes his footy jumper off, and moons one of the assistant coaches.
GRIMES
Hi, look at me, I am a worthless player, just like Matthew Bate! Give me a contract extension!
Grimes walks into the weights room, and grabs two 1kg dumbells.
GRIMES
Ooh, I lift weights like a girl, but nobody minds, because I'm Lucas Cook!
Grimes quickly pumps out 2 reps, then heads to the bathroom.
GRIMES
(off screen) I'm using the girls toilets, just like Cale Morton. Give me a new contract!
Grimes emerges from the bathroom and waves his hands in Morton's face.
GRIMES
Now I'm returning to training without having a shave. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Lynden Dunn!
Grimes runs to Bennell's locker and spins around in the chair.
GRIMES
I don't need to get a kick, 'cause someone else will do it for me. (slaps himself on the forehead) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
BENNELL
Hey, you okay, Grimey?
GRIMES
I'm better than okay, I'm Jamie Bennell.
BENNELL
(chuckles) You wish.
Mark Neeld walks in.
GRIMES
Oh, hi, Neeldy. I'm the worst football player in the world. Time to go home to my mansion, because I'm Aaron Davey!
He sees a dangerous-looking ball flying towards a pack of players on the ground.
GRIMES
What's this? (reads sign) "Beware of backing into packs"? Well, I don't need excuse not to do this, because I'm Luke Taps--
Grimes backs into pack and is polaxed. The scene cuts to the Melbourne Football Club website - it is the injury list. It reads Grimes out Indefinately.