Jokes: The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad

[Reykjavik]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now had company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$500."

In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$1500." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$2000"

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again."

 

[Rorzza]

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?"
"Ahh. I'm takin a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah . and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus, after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

 

[Hagla]

Things have been getting a little dull in the bedroom with my missus lately so I decided to spice things up a little. I went down to Sexy Land and grabbed some flavoured condoms. That night when I jumped in bed I asked her if she wanted to play a game, she smiled and asked what I had planned. I told her I had some flavoured franga's and I wanted her to guess which flavour I was wearing. No sooner had I finished my sentence and she was under the sheets. "CHEESE AND ONION" she called out excitedly, I blushed and replied sheepishly with "hang on I haven't had a chance to put one on yet"...

 

[soreplums]

What did the lepper say to the prostitue?

Keep the tip!

 

[datwhitey]

I was shagging this sheila on her kitchen table the other day when suddenly her husband comes through the front door. "Quick, try the back door," she said. In hindsight I realise I should have made a run for it, but you don't get offers like that every day!

 

[Premier Pies]

Two Elephants fall off a cliff....


BOOM! BOOM!

 

[Premier Pies]

I don't trust these stairs because they are always up to something....

 

[Premier Pies]

Two ice creams were swimming in the ocean one day, father and son.

Everything was going great, then suddenly the father starts drowning.

What did the son yell out to his father?

PADDLE POP!

 

[Alexander323bc]

A New Zealander invented the condom. It was made out of sheep intestines. The Aussies improved on it by removing it from the sheep first.

 

[Cannon Dale]

Two pilots coming in to land. The plane touches down but keeps going, crashes through a fence and into a building on the other side.

1st pilot: 'Man, that was a short runway'
2nd pilot: 'Yeah, but it was wide, wasn't it?'

 

[Hagla]

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a flea?

An itchy utensil

 

[Boris the Contradiction]

Knock knock....

Who's there?

Little Boy Blue....

Little Boy Blue who?

Michael Jackson.

 

[pinky951]

Why is this a terrible joke?

"I don't know, why?"

Because it doesn't have a punchline!

 

[ottoman]

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Lets go play on our bikes

 

[SquirrelGrrripp]

What is big, black and fuks dogs?

Truck tires!

 

[gutsroy]

"Alex, i'll take phrases I'ld never say for $1000 thanks."

Straight to the pool room!

 

[gutsroy]

I wish I had more hands so I could give these jokes four thumbs up.

An old man came up to me at the ATM and asked me to help him check his balance ... so i pushed him over.

I'll see myself out.

 

[ottoman]

Two cows are in a field eating grass.
One cow turns to the other and says "Hey, what are your thoughts about Mad Cow Disease"
The other cow replies "I could!t care less. I am a sheep"

 

[ottoman]

A brunette girl goes to see a doctor.
The doctor asks "what's the problem?"
The brunette says "I am not sure doctor but my whole body aches. Every part of my body that I touch results in pain"
The doctor says "That's interesting. Can you touch your nose for me"
The brunette touches her nose and then screams out in agony.
The doctor says "Can you now touch your knee"
The brunette touches her knee and lets out a huge shriek.
The doctor then says "ok finally can you touch your stomach"
The brunette touches her stomach and cries out in huge pain.
The doctor looks at the woman and says "Your not naturally a brunette are you. Your really a blonde right?"
The girl says "Yes, how did you know?"
The doctor says "Because you have got a broken finger"

 

[Boris the Contradiction]

A bear and a rabbit used to s**t in the same part of the woods.

One day, the bear turned to the rabbit and said - "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said "no".

So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.

 

[ottoman]

A bear and a rabbit used to s**t in the same part of the woods.

One day, the bear turned to the rabbit and said - "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said "no".

So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.

Eddie. What have you done for me Eddie.
Goony Goo Goo

 

[ottoman]

A man wakes up in hospital after suffering a serious accident.
"Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs"
"I know. I cut off your arms"

 

[Alexander323bc]

I was on a plane once and after the captain finished his welcome message he forgot to turn his mic off. He then proceeds to speak to the co pilot and says. I could really do with a coffee and a blow job right about now. The flight attendant from the back of the plane starts running down the isle towards the cockpit. A man at the back of the plane yells out "don't forget the coffee!"

 

[Laurie Holden]

Eddie. What have you done for me Eddie.
Goony Goo Goo

...blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. lol gold!

 

[ottoman]

two fish swim into a concrete wall
One looks at the other and says "dam"