Jokes: The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad

[SnakePlisskin]

A guy lives on the 40th floor of an apartment building , every day he takes the elevator down , gets in his car and drives to work , every night he comes home and takes the elevator up to the 30th floor and walks the last ten, Why?

 

[ottoman]

A guy lives on the 40th floor of an apartment building , every day he takes the elevator down , gets in his car and drives to work , every night he comes home and takes the elevator up to the 30th floor and walks the last ten, Why?

why

 

[SnakePlisskin]

why

He's a midget.....

 

[ottoman]

He's a midget.....

I don't get it

 

[SnakePlisskin]

I don't get it

He can't reach any higher on the elevator buttons

 

[ottoman]

He can't reach any higher on the elevator buttons

lol.

 

[ottoman]

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday.
She said she wanted to be treated like a Princess
So on her birthday I took her to a fancy restaurant, got her drunk, put her in a Mercedes Benz and smashed it into a wall

 

[good4footy]

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One looks at the other and says lets go in and get sh*t faced.

 

[johncitizen]

Wifi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

 

[Magpie Girl]

Wifi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

I forgot which thread I was in for a moment when I read that

 

[BlackWhiteBlood]

Three guys walk into a bar

You'd have thought one of them would have seen it

 

[Quicky]

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday.
She said she wanted to be treated like a Princess
So on her birthday I took her to a fancy restaurant, got her drunk, put her in a Mercedes Benz and smashed it into a wall

An alternative idea:

 

[Collingwood42]

Since the team has been in New Zealand, kinda fitting we do a Kiwi joke...

There was this Aussie guy, and while on a bit of a hike in NZ, he comes across this farm. In the paddock he notices the farmer, and from a distance it looks like he's doing this crazy dance...

The Aussie walks a little closer to inspect this strange rhythmic ritual, and just as the Famer looks at him, the Aussie hears this loud "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" and realises the Farmer is f***ing a sheep!

The Aussie yells, "What the hell r u doin mate!!?? But the farmer just looks at him, then turns his head and continues focusing on his business.

The Aussie then pipes up, "Mate, back home in Australia we shear our sheep!!"

The Kiwi yells back, "F*** Off!! Get your own!!"

 

[Chilli Con Incarnate]

I came home and found a note from the missus on the fridge. It read: 'it's not working anymore. I can't take it. I am leaving.'

I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

 

[Thirteen]

A Carlton player walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots of tequila, and then proceeds to slam them down as quick as he can.

The bartender looks at the Blue Boy and asks, "What are we celebrating?"

"My first head job" he replies.

"Well that's great! The next round is on me!" The bartender exclaims.

"No thanks mate, if the first 12 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!!"

 

[Collingwood42]

A Carlton player walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots of tequila, and then proceeds to slam them down as quick as he can.

The bartender looks at the Blue Boy and asks, "What are we celebrating?"

"My first head job" he replies.

"Well that's great! The next round is on me!" The bartender exclaims.

"No thanks mate, if the first 12 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!!"

Lmfao! Gold

 

[Maggie5]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!

Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.

Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks"
Mom: "Does it look like I am made of money?"
Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

 

[Vicky Park]

Arguably the biggest joke in Australia

Problem is, the joke's not funny

 

[Ulahoopski]

Why did the dildo farmer go out of business?



Too many squatters.

 

[motr]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromanic are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" Asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic. There was silence and then the masochist said: "Meow"

 

[Alexander323bc]

Little Johnny goes to his dad and says:
Dad, dad jimmy got a bike for his birthday can I have one?
Can your d1ck touch your arse son? Replied his dad.
No it can't dad replied Little Johnny.
Well it can't have one. This goes on for another few birthdays with little Johnny never getting a present.
20 years go by and little Johnny has made it in the world when he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door there stands his dad with a big smile.
His dad turns around and says
Little Johnny I need $20 grand son. Can you help me?
Little Johnny turns around and goes "can your d1ck touch your arse dad?
His dad excited goes "sure can son!"
Well go fook yourself replies little Johnny!

 

[Anzacday]

Teacher says to the class ok I'd like some volunteers to make a sentence using the word contagious.

Little Mary puts her and up and says "you should keep away from people with measles as measles are contagious"
Little Johnny puts up his hand and says "recently we were on holiday and we saw a big truck full of oranges tipped over and there were oranges everywhere.
Dad looked at the driver and said it's gonna take that contagious to pick all them up!

 

[Lace_Out]

He actually spoke many languages but he was taught by Aristotle in Greek if that's what you at implying.
But I digress.

Some brief facts...

 

[Lace_Out]

Only the facts

 

[Anzacday]

A pony works into a bar and whispers to the bartender "can I have a beer please"
Bartender says sure, "why are you whispering though"?
Pony replies, "I'm a little hoarse".