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Richter

All Australian
Mar 10, 2007
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yes it uses mindfulness to identify and diffuse negative or fearful thoughts rather than trying to battle each of these thoughts with logic, which is what I found CBT taught. It works on accepting the thoughts as meaningless brain activity allowing you to spend your energy moving towards things you value rather than running from unpleasant thoughts or experiences.

There's plenty of books on the topic, and youtube videos, and psychologists who practice it. There's also a lot of recent evidence showing it can be effective.

One of the main practitioners in the world is a guy called Russ Harris. Although he's an Aussie, a psychologist friend of mine in the U.K. put me on to him. He wrote a best selling book called 'The Happiness Trap' a few years ago... here's a link to its first 30 pages from Russ' own website for anyone who is interested...

http://thehappinesstrap.com/wp-cont...iness_Trap_-_Introduction_and_Chapter_one.pdf
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,768
11,926
Melbourne
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Essendon
One of the main practitioners in the world is a guy called Russ Harris. Although he's an Aussie, a psychologist friend of mine in the U.K. put me on to him. He wrote a best selling book called 'The Happiness Trap' a few years ago... here's a link to its first 30 pages from Russ' own website for anyone who is interested...

http://thehappinesstrap.com/wp-cont...iness_Trap_-_Introduction_and_Chapter_one.pdf
:thumbsu:

I have the happiness trap, and his phone app. I would say his work has had the post positive effect on my journey with mental health. I genuinely believe his books should be read by everyone, whether they have struggles or not.

The founder of ACT was Steve Hayes, who is also excellent to listen to. Here is one of his Ted talks
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
The latest emotion science research would say that crying is a natural, adaptive response to the emotion of sadness. Sadness is a primary emotion, and it most instances it is very healthy to experience and process. We often feel it when there is a loss in our life, in some way or another (other words for Sadness include: isolated, disappointed, down, rejected, alone, etc) and it also functions to let others know that something is not right. Anger is generally considered a secondary emotion, and commonly people get angry because they do not know how to handle sadness, or they don't want to process sadness, or the sadness is so painful that they get angry that they can't handle the sadness (not an exhaustive list). Anger also usually follows the primary emotion of fear/worry/anxiety; for example, when a car nearly side swipes you on the road, people usually feel a fear response first, then anger; of course, this varies according to each person's coping mechanisms etc. Overall, sadness and fear are generally adaptive emotions because they give us crucial information, and often crying is a strong action urge attached to sadness. Anger in most cases follows sadness and fear.

Thank you. I think 30 + years of suppressing emotion is finally catching up with me
 

Glacier

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 28, 2007
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Thank you. I think 30 + years of suppressing emotion is finally catching up with me
This
I spent a whole lot of time and huge amounts of energy convincing myself and others I was ok
Then when I collapsed everything came out in a flood
With that flood came a lot of anger because I wanted others to understand how much I was struggling, and when they didn't get it I got angrier at myself for collapsing
It becomes very hurtful cycle
 

Glacier

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 28, 2007
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Where is the support for men in our society?
Everyday we hear horror stories of emotional and physical abuse in relationships perpetrated by men and for good reason
But where is the support for men in the same situation?
Men like me who have been emotionally and physically abused by their partners
I'll tell you where that support is
Nowhere
It doesn't exist
I use Mensline and my own psychologist to fall back on but when it comes to finding help with my rights as a parent and a man by * it's hard
As many on here may relate to, it's so hard for a guy to actually be honest with themselves that they are a victim and takes so long, that when we actually get brave enough to say enough enough, any power or will or self confidence we had had been stripped from us
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,768
11,926
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Where is the support for men in our society?
Everyday we hear horror stories of emotional and physical abuse in relationships perpetrated by men and for good reason
But where is the support for men in the same situation?
Men like me who have been emotionally and physically abused by their partners
I'll tell you where that support is
Nowhere
It doesn't exist
I use Mensline and my own psychologist to fall back on but when it comes to finding help with my rights as a parent and a man by **** it's hard
As many on here may relate to, it's so hard for a guy to actually be honest with themselves that they are a victim and takes so long, that when we actually get brave enough to say enough enough, any power or will or self confidence we had had been stripped from us
Have you seen or heard of the movie the red pill? Has aspects of this i beleive. The Australian media didnt want a bar of it unfortunately
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,768
11,926
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Where is the support for men in our society?
Everyday we hear horror stories of emotional and physical abuse in relationships perpetrated by men and for good reason
But where is the support for men in the same situation?
Men like me who have been emotionally and physically abused by their partners
I'll tell you where that support is
Nowhere
It doesn't exist
I use Mensline and my own psychologist to fall back on but when it comes to finding help with my rights as a parent and a man by **** it's hard
As many on here may relate to, it's so hard for a guy to actually be honest with themselves that they are a victim and takes so long, that when we actually get brave enough to say enough enough, any power or will or self confidence we had had been stripped from us
maybe these might give you some support:
https://www.facebook.com/DadsInDistress/?hc_location=ufi

http://www.theadvocate.com.au/story/4944174/health-worker-helps-men/
 

vmasco

Team Captain
Jul 15, 2012
392
934
Thereabouts
AFL Club
Richmond
Where is the support for men in our society?
Everyday we hear horror stories of emotional and physical abuse in relationships perpetrated by men and for good reason
But where is the support for men in the same situation?
Men like me who have been emotionally and physically abused by their partners
I'll tell you where that support is
Nowhere
It doesn't exist
I use Mensline and my own psychologist to fall back on but when it comes to finding help with my rights as a parent and a man by **** it's hard
As many on here may relate to, it's so hard for a guy to actually be honest with themselves that they are a victim and takes so long, that when we actually get brave enough to say enough enough, any power or will or self confidence we had had been stripped from us
Hang in there mate stay brave. We are here for each other. It takes a colossal effort to change your mindset to be kind to yourself when those around you who are supposed to love you have been so cruel, and sucked you dry. To recognise you are need of help, to learn how to find those you can trust to help you and to then enact positive change with that help is proof enough of your inner strength.
 

vmasco

Team Captain
Jul 15, 2012
392
934
Thereabouts
AFL Club
Richmond
I caught up with a life long friend recently, also a Tiger supporter, who is going through similar issues as me and we both agreed that our relationships with our fathers is basically non-existent. It was incredibly difficult to comprehend when Dusty gave his Brownlow speech and he spoke about the love between him and his old man (which I do not begrudge him of in any way). Sadly it just isn't the case for many of us.

Today has really driven it home for me: my old man just can't stand to see me experience any joy whatsoever. I only saw him for the second time this year (only lives two hours away) when he came down for my daughters birthday last weekend and all he wanted to do was talk up his own team's finals history and the usual "ha ha Richmond supporters life time of pain" crap. Today not even a text message of congratulations.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,720
14,221
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
I caught up with a life long friend recently, also a Tiger supporter, who is going through similar issues as me and we both agreed that our relationships with our fathers is basically non-existent. It was incredibly difficult to comprehend when Dusty gave his Brownlow speech and he spoke about the love between him and his old man (which I do not begrudge him of in any way). Sadly it just isn't the case for many of us.

Today has really driven it home for me: my old man just can't stand to see me experience any joy whatsoever. I only saw him for the second time this year (only lives two hours away) when he came down for my daughters birthday last weekend and all he wanted to do was talk up his own team's finals history and the usual "ha ha Richmond supporters life time of pain" crap. Today not even a text message of congratulations.

Yeah, dads can be crap. After 30 years, my old man suddenly ditched my team and went for my sister's husband's team instead (Geelong) when they started winning flags in 07. I asked him, what the hell? He just said, "your team is crap, they'll never win anything. I'm going for Geelong now." It sounds stupid, but I still feel pretty let down by that. It's a real statement to do such a thing. Speaks to loyalty and integrity. So much so that I don't talk about football anymore with him. It's not a fun topic when he doesn't give a crap about my team anymore.

I won't say he's quite as bad as your dad, only because he's mellowed a bit in his old age and helped me out a few times in recent years. But basically he spent a lifetime disagreeing me about everything and putting down everything I did. He was a miserable bastard for most of my life, but as I got older, I called him on it several times and he's pulled his head in a fair bit. He's also very nice to my daughter, and I think he's realised he did a crap job just by watching me with my daughter. He knows what a committed dad looks like now and I think he does feel guilty about it. His example drives me to be a better dad.

But there's no doubt that for a bloke to have a mean dad impacts your life in a big way. You're behind the 8-ball in many areas of life unless you can process it and move on. I can only put it down to them having a bitterness within in themselves that they try to deal with by putting down others to elevate themselves.
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
I caught up with a life long friend recently, also a Tiger supporter, who is going through similar issues as me and we both agreed that our relationships with our fathers is basically non-existent. It was incredibly difficult to comprehend when Dusty gave his Brownlow speech and he spoke about the love between him and his old man (which I do not begrudge him of in any way). Sadly it just isn't the case for many of us.

Today has really driven it home for me: my old man just can't stand to see me experience any joy whatsoever. I only saw him for the second time this year (only lives two hours away) when he came down for my daughters birthday last weekend and all he wanted to do was talk up his own team's finals history and the usual "ha ha Richmond supporters life time of pain" crap. Today not even a text message of congratulations.

Only talk to my father 3 or 4 times a year. Lost the last ounce of respect for him, when he told me he got married 2 days after he got married. When I confronted him, his response was I thought your sister would let you know. He told her 2 days prior, while she was in another state on a business trip.
It's not as if either my sister or I were unsupportive of his new wife, as she is a lovely person, have a lot of time for her. It's being denied the right to show support, that's the thing that hurt the most.
 

vmasco

Team Captain
Jul 15, 2012
392
934
Thereabouts
AFL Club
Richmond
Yeah, dads can be crap. After 30 years, my old man suddenly ditched my team and went for my sister's husband's team instead (Geelong) when they started winning flags in 07. I asked him, what the hell? He just said, "your team is crap, they'll never win anything. I'm going for Geelong now." It sounds stupid, but I still feel pretty let down by that. It's a real statement to do such a thing. Speaks to loyalty and integrity. So much so that I don't talk about football anymore with him. It's not a fun topic when he doesn't give a crap about my team anymore.

I won't say he's quite as bad as your dad, only because he's mellowed a bit in his old age and helped me out a few times in recent years. But basically he spent a lifetime disagreeing me about everything and putting down everything I did. He was a miserable bastard for most of my life, but as I got older, I called him on it several times and he's pulled his head in a fair bit. He's also very nice to my daughter, and I think he's realised he did a crap job just by watching me with my daughter. He knows what a committed dad looks like now and I think he does feel guilty about it. His example drives me to be a better dad.

But there's no doubt that for a bloke to have a mean dad impacts your life in a big way. You're behind the 8-ball in many areas of life unless you can process it and move on. I can only put it down to them having a bitterness within in themselves that they try to deal with by putting down others to elevate themselves.
Only talk to my father 3 or 4 times a year. Lost the last ounce of respect for him, when he told me he got married 2 days after he got married. When I confronted him, his response was I thought your sister would let you know. He told her 2 days prior, while she was in another state on a business trip.
It's not as if either my sister or I were unsupportive of his new wife, as she is a lovely person, have a lot of time for her. It's being denied the right to show support, that's the thing that hurt the most.

Thanks for the replies. Although I'm not always sure whether I or someone else needs to or can offer a helpful response, it is great this thread is here, to just get this stuff off our chest is therapy in itself so if anyone is reading this thread and wanting to contribute don't be afraid to add your thoughts it took me a long time.

The difficulty for me has been my dad's behaviour has been covert and seemingly without malice so I just never really thought there was a problem. He has always provided for me materially and in my education, but he has a problem expressing his emotions - his outlet is via his religious faith. He never cried or showed any emotion at either of his own parents funerals preferring to remain stoic. I have almost never had any conversations with him about life stuff, emotions, birds and the bees etc, and I struggle to remember a time when he has told me or to others he was proud of me. When I had psychosis issues and ended up in a mental hospital for a few weeks he never came to see me. I'm sure he just wanted me to follow him in his faith and use that as a way to express myself.
Whether he has narcissistic personality disorder I am yet to determine, but he certainly seems to always want to have one up on me.


I think it is the past few generations of men before us, post war and baby-boomers that have been screwed up emotionally, whether it has been the rise of feminist attitudes or reinforcement of the traditional tough guy persona that our fathers and grand fathers have passed on to us, which has in turn left us screwed up in one way or another.

For me now I am working to accept myself as I am, that I am not perfect, and rid the need for external validation.
 

Glacier

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 28, 2007
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Looked forward so much to today to spend the day with my little ones
But instead copped abuse because I stood up to her about something
Ended up not going as I would have copped abuse all day
I've been trying to get her to talk about proper arrangements but she always changes the subject
She will abuse one day and then the next will say " hey we should take the kids on holiday, I saw this great deal "
It's bewildering
I don't think I have any alternative than to go down the official routes and court now
I'm concerned about her but when I suggest she needs to get some help I get told I'm attacking and abusing her
There is not a second that goes by I don't miss my little kids
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Looked forward so much to today to spend the day with my little ones
But instead copped abuse because I stood up to her about something
Ended up not going as I would have copped abuse all day
I've been trying to get her to talk about proper arrangements but she always changes the subject
She will abuse one day and then the next will say " hey we should take the kids on holiday, I saw this great deal "
It's bewildering
I don't think I have any alternative than to go down the official routes and court now
I'm concerned about her but when I suggest she needs to get some help I get told I'm attacking and abusing her
There is not a second that goes by I don't miss my little kids

Hang in mate
 

vmasco

Team Captain
Jul 15, 2012
392
934
Thereabouts
AFL Club
Richmond
Looked forward so much to today to spend the day with my little ones
But instead copped abuse because I stood up to her about something
Ended up not going as I would have copped abuse all day
I've been trying to get her to talk about proper arrangements but she always changes the subject
She will abuse one day and then the next will say " hey we should take the kids on holiday, I saw this great deal "
It's bewildering
I don't think I have any alternative than to go down the official routes and court now
I'm concerned about her but when I suggest she needs to get some help I get told I'm attacking and abusing her
There is not a second that goes by I don't miss my little kids
Yep mine does the exact same thing. She takes anything I say, twists it around in her mind and then accuses me of saying something else.

Do you know much about her childhood? Was she abused in any way? My mates wife had an alcoholic parent who abused her so she is afraid to make decisions for herself and relies on him to do everything but when he wants to something for himself it is always a drama.

My wife who I'm still with after nearly 14 years (We have 2 kids and I'm struggling to deal with leaving them) still refuses to acknowledge her problems and will not get help. I am unable to work out her history easily as her family is from overseas and they do not speak English apart from her brother who is hard to get in contact with.

We used to argue a lot after we got married (before was great so it seemed) and since then she has either found it difficult or refused to show physical affection, not even hugs. I have learnt to approach her now in a more calm and mature manner until last week before the prelim game when in a tantrum, and screaming like a banshee, she started bashing the TV 5 minutes before the game was due to start over something she had imagined I said. I thought she had broken it. I lost my s**t at her until I managed to get it working.

Stay strong bud.
 

Glacier

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 28, 2007
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Yep mine does the exact same thing. She takes anything I say, twists it around in her mind and then accuses me of saying something else.

Do you know much about her childhood? Was she abused in any way? My mates wife had an alcoholic parent who abused her so she is afraid to make decisions for herself and relies on him to do everything but when he wants to something for himself it is always a drama.

My wife who I'm still with after nearly 14 years (We have 2 kids and I'm struggling to deal with leaving them) still refuses to acknowledge her problems and will not get help. I am unable to work out her history easily as her family is from overseas and they do not speak English apart from her brother who is hard to get in contact with.

We used to argue a lot after we got married (before was great so it seemed) and since then she has either found it difficult or refused to show physical affection, not even hugs. I have learnt to approach her now in a more calm and mature manner until last week before the prelim game when in a tantrum, and screaming like a banshee, she started bashing the TV 5 minutes before the game was due to start over something she had imagined I said. I thought she had broken it. I lost my s**t at her until I managed to get it working.

Stay strong bud.
She has a massive co dependency problem with her parents
They live over the back fence and she has spent a total of ten months away from them on 38 years of her life
They own her but she doesn't or doesn't want to see that
She has had everything done for her for so long she thinks she is entitled
I sometimes think if I could just get her away from that environment she could flourish And I could find the girl I fell in love with but maybe that girl never existed
 

gordo2016

Norm Smith Medallist
Aug 13, 2017
6,161
11,632
Footscray, Melbourne
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
I caught up with a life long friend recently, also a Tiger supporter, who is going through similar issues as me and we both agreed that our relationships with our fathers is basically non-existent. It was incredibly difficult to comprehend when Dusty gave his Brownlow speech and he spoke about the love between him and his old man (which I do not begrudge him of in any way). Sadly it just isn't the case for many of us.

Today has really driven it home for me: my old man just can't stand to see me experience any joy whatsoever. I only saw him for the second time this year (only lives two hours away) when he came down for my daughters birthday last weekend and all he wanted to do was talk up his own team's finals history and the usual "ha ha Richmond supporters life time of pain" crap. Today not even a text message of congratulations.
I feel for you mate. Lost my father at a really young age and I have never really know what is like to have a father. Often wonder whether my life could have been so much better having a male role model around when I was a teenager. Hope you can rebuild some kind of relationship with your father before it is to late. Not having a relationship with a father is a really difficult thing to take.
 
Aug 20, 2013
20,172
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Adelaide
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Adelaide
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Celtics , England FC
I had a nervous break down yesterday, it got so bad I had to go to the hospital. Yesterday it felt like I couldn't talk to my family , friends or my girlfriend. I felt completely alone and worthless, my girlfriend is always there for me and things happened on the weekend with her whilst she was away and I don't know how to express it to her. She means everything to me and I don't want to ruin the relationship (I'm probably overthinking. I think what happened on the weekend triggered one of my major events in my life.......
 

Glacier

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 28, 2007
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I had a nervous break down yesterday, it got so bad I had to go to the hospital. Yesterday it felt like I couldn't talk to my family , friends or my girlfriend. I felt completely alone and worthless, my girlfriend is always there for me and things happened on the weekend with her whilst she was away and I don't know how to express it to her. She means everything to me and I don't want to ruin the relationship (I'm probably overthinking. I think what happened on the weekend triggered one of my major events in my life.......
Pm if need to chat mate
 
Apr 10, 2014
20,052
54,732
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
I had a nervous break down yesterday, it got so bad I had to go to the hospital. Yesterday it felt like I couldn't talk to my family , friends or my girlfriend. I felt completely alone and worthless, my girlfriend is always there for me and things happened on the weekend with her whilst she was away and I don't know how to express it to her. She means everything to me and I don't want to ruin the relationship (I'm probably overthinking. I think what happened on the weekend triggered one of my major events in my life.......

Pm if need to chat mate

Feel free to PM me too

Same applies for anybody reading this, I'm here!
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,768
11,926
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
I had a nervous break down yesterday, it got so bad I had to go to the hospital. Yesterday it felt like I couldn't talk to my family , friends or my girlfriend. I felt completely alone and worthless, my girlfriend is always there for me and things happened on the weekend with her whilst she was away and I don't know how to express it to her. She means everything to me and I don't want to ruin the relationship (I'm probably overthinking. I think what happened on the weekend triggered one of my major events in my life.......
your breakdown may become a real turning point for your life for the better, because hopefully it means you will find the help you need. Mental illness makes you feel alone, unusual, and like the only person struggling while everyone else has it all together. But this couldnt be further from the truth. There are so many people out there who have battled, or are battling mental illness. I spoke up to many of my colleagues about my struggles, and surprise surprise many of them had similar battles, even those I thought were near perfect. Feeling isolated is part of the lies that mental illness tells us. It says "look at you, you're the only abnormal one, everyone else is better, smarter, and more worthy than you". Dont believe it. It's all lies. You are worthy, you are normal in your struggles, you are loved, you are perfectly imperfect.

All the best. Please keep us posted, we want to hear how you're going. We're all here for each other. That goes for everyone on here too.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,768
11,926
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Looked forward so much to today to spend the day with my little ones
But instead copped abuse because I stood up to her about something
Ended up not going as I would have copped abuse all day
I've been trying to get her to talk about proper arrangements but she always changes the subject
She will abuse one day and then the next will say " hey we should take the kids on holiday, I saw this great deal "
It's bewildering
I don't think I have any alternative than to go down the official routes and court now
I'm concerned about her but when I suggest she needs to get some help I get told I'm attacking and abusing her
There is not a second that goes by I don't miss my little kids
bugger. Hope things improve for you soon.
 
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