Jokes: The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad

[Piestration]

A Blonde woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's breasts and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hits her breasts, the man jumps up and starts to lick. She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"
"Helloooo!" says the blonde. "Barry has a lickher license.

 

[Piestration]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

[Piestration]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a Wild Bore out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.” The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

 

[ottoman]

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry mate I can't serve you. You're already off your face"

 

[ottoman]

A man walks into a bar. An old drunk sits next to him holding a box.
"What's in the box he asks"
"A South American blow job toad" replies the old drunk
"Really, mind if I try it" says the younger man.
The old drunk agrees and the younger guy takes the toad to the mens room.
20 minutes later he returns
"Wow that was amazing" he says. "Can I buy it"
The old drunk agrees to sell it to the younger guy for a hefty price.
Later that evening the young guy goes home carrying his box. When he gets home his wife asks "What's in the box?"
"A South American blow job toad" he replies quite proudly
"So" says the wife
"So teach it to cook and get the * out"

 

[Anzacday]

How do you stop people from talking behind your back?
Fart.

 

[wicksy]

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes.

 

[BringouttheGimp]

Why do spiders spin webs?
Because they can't knit.

 

[regpies]

You want to hear a joke?

Derek Hine.

 

[ThePhantom777]

 

[Hagla]

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "* me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "* me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "* me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

 

[Pie eyed]

An Aboriginal, a Pom, an overweight Yank, a NZ Maori, a Kiwi, a Tasmanian disabled person, an elderly person from Latvia, a Swedish blonde, a German, an Italian, a drunk Irishman, a Pole, a Greek, an Indian, a Canadian politician, an Afro-American, a Mexican, a Dutchman, an arrogant Frenchman, a Brazillian, an Ethiopian, a Turk, a Jap, a Chinaman, a Russian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Birmese and a Vietnamese all went together to an upmarket nightclub.
The bouncer said, sorry guys, I can't let you in without a Thai.

 

[Piestration]

One day Paddy finds a bottle on the beach. He rubs it and a Genie appears and offers him one wish. "I'd like to pee the finest Irish whisky," says Paddy.

"Granted!", says the Genie. Paddy pees in a cup, tastes it and is taken aback. "This is the finest Irish whisky I've ever tasted." He rushes home, tells his wife (who is a bit dubious at first) but when she finally tries a sip, she agrees that it's the best Irish whisky she's ever tasted. They spend the night sipping the limitless supply of free whisky.

Next night Paddy rushes home after work and his wife tells him she has two large glasses ready on the kitchen table. No need my dear, we'll only need one says Paddy. "You're drinking straight from the bottle tonight!"

 

[Lace_Out]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my fookin eye out!

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[WalterBlaknWhte]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my fookin eye out!

One small mercy is that your girlfriend would never hear your accursed club song

Then again, nor do you these days

 

[Collingwoodity]

The other day I was driving down the Hume Highway to Sydney and I thought that I would pull over at the service station and get a chocolate bar to tide me over.

I asked the female attendant “could I please have a kit kat chunky?”

She handed me a Kit Kat Chunky, to which I replied, “I wanted a regular Kit Kat you fat bitch!”




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[ottoman]

The other day I was driving down the Hume Highway to Sydney and I thought that I would pull over at the service station and get a chocolate bar to tide me over.

I asked the female attendant “could I please have a kit kat chunky?”

She handed me a Kit Kat Chunky, to which I replied, “I wanted a regular Kit Kat you fat bitch!”




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LMAO

 

[Boris the Contradiction]

What happened to the leper on the trampoline?

He strained himself.

 

[Daicos Torpedo]

I went to a funeral. It was a very sad and solum occasion .
I asked the family if I could hop up and say something, and they agreed.
So I stood up and said "Plethora".
Later on they came up to me and said "Thanks, that means a lot..."

 

[ottoman]

Mate of mine was recently held hostage in a bank robbery.
He told me it was very difficult.
Pfft. I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

I'll see myself out.

 

[No SPIN]

A man who is reknown for his arrogance and belief he is always right, comes home one night with an erotic surprise for his wife.

“Darling at 7 o’clock a handsome black man holding a fan will knock on the door. He’s got a fan to keep me cool while I make wild passionate love to you on this very hot night.”


Scoffing the wife says “really”, with a doubting tone.


The door bell rings at 7 and the wife excitedly opens the door and is instantly struck by the topless muscular dark stranger holding a fan, whose loin cloth seems to hide a sizable pleasure bone.


Excitedly they all retire to the bedroom.

The arrogant husband gives the stranger very strict and specific instructions on how to use the fan, and the lovemaking begins.

After a few minutes the husband asks his wife if she’s “feeling it”, to which he receives a lukewarm response.

He the angrily tells the strangers to fan faster.

Again after a few minutes he asks his wife if she’s getting pleasure and again she offers a lukewarm response.

So he chastises the stranger and asks him to fan faster to help improve his poor sexual performance and hopefully his wife’s pleasure.


For a third time he asks his wife “is that better darling”, to which she disappointed replies no.

Enraged the husband stops, grabs the fan and asks the stranger to replace him, while the husband uses the fan.

As the well endowed man artfully begins the act, the wife slowly begins to groan with pleasure and eventually explodes with ecstasy as she climaxes.


At which time the husband throws down the fan and slaps the stranger and says “ you see dickhead - that’s how you use a fan”

 

[Saintly Viewed]

What happened to the leper on the trampoline?

He strained himself.

Or the leper who read some of these jokes?

He laughed his head off

 

[Saintly Viewed]

I went to a funeral. It was a very sad and solum occasion .
I asked the family if I could hop up and say something, and they agreed.
So I stood up and said "Plethora".
Later on they came up to me and said "Thanks, that means a lot..."

That’s gold

 

[Chameleon75]

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street, the brunette spots her boyfriend buying flowers. She turns to the blonde and complains, “great now I have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air”, the blonde looking puzzled replies, “why, don’t you own a vase”.

 

[Boris the Contradiction]

Or the leper who read some of these jokes?

He laughed his head off

All that while playing cards . He threw his hand in.