Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 of 2017 - the "finals were better last year" Edition

[BRWB]

No disrespect intended but can we please kill this exercise next year if it's going to run for 70+ days.

For ****s sake, it's two paragraphs about some spud. Hurry the **** up and finish it

With all due respect.
Here's an idea - rather than kill the best thing on BF how about you go and * yourself you dumb campaigner

 

[El Dubya]

With all due respect.
Here's an idea - rather than kill the best thing on BF how about you go and **** yourself you dumb campaigner

I don't think m9 has any issue with the song contest or the Chrisco hampers thread.

 

[BRWB]

I don't think.

EFA

 

[footy4ever]

Player 7 - Josh Jenkins


Pictured:.....

Can’t wait for big Joshy to reach number 1.

153 goals in essentially two and a half seasons. Imagine how many goals he’ll kick when he dethrones Tom Boyd at #1.

Aren’t those Joe the goose goals the most infuriating of all?! The salt they draw is delicious.

 

[Frankston Rover]

Me trying to work out how Mofra's going to squeeze Ablett, Boyd, Mayne, Vickery, Dawson, Watson and Tippett into 6 spots...

 

[ppoiter]

No disrespect intended but can we please kill this exercise next year if it's going to run for 70+ days.

For ****s sake, it's two paragraphs about some spud. Hurry the **** up and finish it

Thank you for your whiny melts, they fill the space between new entries nicely

 

[LittleG]

Me trying to work out how Mofra's going to squeeze Ablett, Boyd, Mayne, Vickery, Dawson, Watson and Tippett into 6 spots...

Perhaps there are actually 8 spots left? Got to fit Griffknuckle in somewhere.

 

[Milanista28]

Player #9 - Jake Stringer


Pictured: Jake, his former partner who he cheated on while pregnant, and those are his kids not potential dates in 13 years

Jake Stringer is a former pick 5, AA forward and premiership player. At the end of the season he was kicked out of the Bulldogs who hardly have a forward line and that should tell you something. He was formerly jumper number 9 hence this position was filled months in advance, like a Bay modding gig haha enjoy your vote, sheeple.

Let's take a step back. It's the start of 2017 and Jake Stringer is riding high. He's coming into the season as a member of the reigning premiers (ignoring the fact he was largely carried most of September / October 2016) and managed to complete the pre-season... although he was a back-marker in the time trial again, even behind an 18 year old rookie ruckman according to track watchers.
Jake started the year pretty well, generally going at about 2 goals per game (although he managed only two touches in the first half against Brisbane), missed a couple then had a blinder against the Saints.

Then a bye, and for the second half of the year it all started to turn pear shaped. Jake's attitude, workrate and on field performances sank faster than a frozen Leonardo DiCaprio character after clinging to the side of an improvised flotation device HE COULD HAVE TOTALLY FIT ON THAT DOOR ROSE YOU SELFISH WHORE!!!

Ahem. Excuse me.
Jake started to go missing for longer and longer periods during a game to the point where the coaching staff tried him in more positions than a Czech amateur video (nudge nudge wink wink) with the results largely the same. The same flaws in his game still existed, they were just no longer balanced out by the 2-3 minutes of brilliance he'd show per game. Opponents realized he doesn't apply much pressure (if you're male) and he's pretty easy to rebound from. I know the denizens of the bay are big fans of doing things one-handed but Jake takes it to the extreme by attempting most of his tackles one handed. "Jake's one-handed tackle" is a phrase likely to make Nick Dal Santo slightly more comfortable but was an infuriating facet of Jake's play.

Rumours of his off field behavior became progressively louder as well and even his teammates were publically outing him on instagram for missing physio appointments. Inevitably, a lazy player who doesn't go to physio gets injured which gives him more time to get up to mischief. Of when I say mischief, I mean "Saints fun with the moral compass of Stephen Dank" rather than a quiet night in with friends, Monopoly, and then in a few hours ex-friends.

There was a genuine unease within the Bulldogs playing group as the season wore on, exacerbated by revelations Jake had cheated repeatedly on his pregnant partner with a variety of skanks including a 17 year old schoolgirl and has SFA cash left to him after gambling most of it away.
He still wasn't fit enough to run much through the midfield, was hardly getting the ball, wasn't kicking goals, wouldn't provide defensive pressure, showed all the professionalism of a Fevola Brownlow interview and was about as good a teammate as Edward Scissorhands on an inflatable dingy.

Given he was shown to be lazy, unprofessional, a terrible human, arrogant, coasting through life on minimal effort and offering 'injections' to a variety of 'comely lasses o' virtue questionable' - 16 of the 17 clubs decided he wasn't really worth chasing. I mean, where would someone with such a horrible character fit in, and...


.. of course.

A club recovering from a drug scandal with a chemist for a coach and an ex-coach who attracted a cult-like following despite putting the club into a precarious position in the first place (not to mention that, despite being married, his pants were purely decorative only) was obviously the perfect fit for Jakey and his snakey. At the very least, Essendon once again have a well known rider on their list.

Jake, Stringsy, good luck at your new outer suburban home. I hear Tullamarine is lovely during the summer. Welcome to the Bottom 50.

Love this.

 

[leobarryustar]

Can’t wait for big Joshy to reach number 1.

153 goals in essentially two and a half seasons. Imagine how many goals he’ll kick when he dethrones Tom Boyd at #1.

Aren’t those Joe the goose goals the most infuriating of all?! The salt they draw is delicious.

Mrs Jenkins? You sound like someone whos knobbed him off a few times

 

[Milanista28]

"The bottom 50 unless I wanna do 55 list"

 

[TedDougChris]

"The bottom 50 unless I wanna do 55 list"

We had assorted Melbourne spuds a few years back didn't we ??

 

[SaintsSeptember]

Perhaps there are actually 8 spots left? Got to fit Griffknuckle in somewhere.

Lets see, one of them could take 0th spot and the worst one so bad he takes -1st place.

 

[footy4ever]

Mrs Jenkins? You sound like someone whos knobbed him off a few times

No, and no I haven’t....but would consider if he kicks yet another lazy 50.

 

[Bunk Moreland]

Tipping Boyd, Mayne, Watson, Vickery, Tippett for the bottom 5. * knows which order

 

[TedDougChris]

Where does Mr Bennell fit into people's lists ??

 

[SCRAY72]

Where does Mr Bennell fit into people's lists ??

He is a show. 2 games. 19 possies , 3 goals , 3 tackles.

 

[largebus]

Where does Mr Bennell fit into people's lists ??

He was ok in the games he actually played, even though it took this long for him to get there

 

[LuvtheKangas]

No, and no I haven’t....but would consider if he kicks yet another lazy 50.

"lazy" being the operative word, and the reason he rightly found a place in the top 10 of this list.

 

[footy4ever]

"lazy" being the operative word, and the reason he rightly found a place in the top 10 of this list.

50 goals a season. He can be as lazy as he wants. You all be jelly is all.

 

[TerryWallet]

My bet for No1. The ultimate Leader.

 

[Mofra]

Player #6 - Gary Ablett Junior


Pictured: In retrospect it was perhaps wise to question Gary's commitment to the Suns this season

Gary Ablett Junior is the most selfish, least caring captain in the history of AFL football.

A cursory glance at his stats would suggest he had a good year - had a 41 possession game, a couple of games in the high 30s (he was probably passing to himself), he averaged 33 touches (less than one goal assist per game) in his 14 games this year, and strangely most of the non-Victorian or non-Chinese games he was "injured" for.

Gaz has won Brownlows and at his peak was the best player in the game, and instead of staying with Geelong where he and his dad were legends (unless you were a young girl / petrol station attendant / fringe teammate) he decided to go to the Gold Coast for the cash challenge of being part of a new team where none have ever really taken off on the Gold Coast before but the AFL is different so surely by now the Suns are a powerhouse.

Now it's worth noting that he won the Gold Coast B&F this year in an result that stinks of "contractual obligation" even more than a North Melbourne raffle.
It's hard to believe his teammates like Tom Lynch and , uh, that guy and the other one, players who played a lot more football, couldn't dethrone him. Of course if you know anything about the AFL you understand that it operates much like Game of Thrones does only with more sex, incest, power plays and thanks to St Kilda, short people and burning.

Anyway Ablett plays as Ablett does - for himself. Former Victorian father of the year Tim Watson once said that Ablett had "become obsessed with the whole idea of going out there and being the best player" in order to win the Brownlow Medal rather than to help the team. Given the Suns finished second last this year after finishing fourth last in 2016 that wise old man and former St Kilda coach might have a point. Given Ablett didn't win the Brownlow because model citizen Dustin "at least I almost passed year 9" Martin grabbed the award with both chopsticks you have to say Gazza didn't fulfill his own brief either. Jonathan Brown once criticized him for "lacking the courage other captains do" but what would Browny know about captains, only having played under Voss who was the greatest Captain ever to play for a Queensland based team?

Anyway Gazza signed a contract extension with Gold Coast in 2015 which was more front-loaded than a Richmond Cheer Squad member:

Pictured: AFL premiers for 2017, diabetes

So when he requested a trade back to Geelong after 'earning' most of the money, the Gold Coast refused in 2016. Gazza responded with pure commitment by skipping day 1 of pre-season training because captains should always lead from behind. As George Takei would say, "oh my".
This year however he claimed it was for 'family reasons' and rather than let an 'injury prone' 33 year old with a questionable team-ethos continue to play for them, Gold Coast chairman John Doe decided to let him go. Geelong fans rejoiced as they famous Ablett name will once again grace the miniature-park they call a football oval, Gold Coast finally have a chance to build some semblance of a culture at their club more resilient than month-old unrefrigerated yoghurt and Gazza gets to be a part of Geelong's cliff while the edge is still sharp.

Of course, this will require Gazza learning the names of Geelong's young talent brigade which so far consists of a bunch of unproven draftees and a small puppy called Trevor, but the point is he will have to learn the names instead his Gold Coast modus operandi of calling everyone "mate", "you" or "where you getting traded to again?"

Fun fact: Gary Ablett's warm up routine is to shoot hoops away from his teammates (true).
If this doesn't demonstrate that Gazza is less of a team player than Judas planning dinner:

"Hey Jesus, coming to the last supper on Friday?"
"The what?"
"Ah supper, dinner, um, regular meal with the guys. My shout"

I don't know what does.

Gazza, enjoy moving from the sunny beaches of the Gold Coast to the beautiful vista of the Greater Geelong region:


Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.

 

[Starburns_]

And now onto the moral #1s.

Gazza, enjoy moving from the sunny beaches of the Gold Coast to the beautiful vista of the Greater Geelong region:


Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.

And Teach says East Geelong is 'lovely'...

 

[A Cut Above]

Player #6 - Gary Ablett Junior


Pictured: In retrospect it was perhaps wise to question Gary's commitment to the Suns this season

Gary Ablett Junior is the most selfish, least caring captain in the history of AFL football.

A cursory glance at his stats would suggest he had a good year - had a 41 possession game, a couple of games in the high 30s (he was probably passing to himself), he averaged 33 touches (less than one goal assist per game) in his 14 games this year, and strangely most of the non-Victorian or non-Chinese games he was "injured" for.

Gaz has won Brownlows and at his peak was the best player in the game, and instead of staying with Geelong where he and his dad were legends (unless you were a young girl / petrol station attendant / fringe teammate) he decided to go to the Gold Coast for the cash challenge of being part of a new team where none have ever really taken off on the Gold Coast before but the AFL is different so surely by now the Suns are a powerhouse.

Now it's worth noting that he won the Gold Coast B&F this year in an result that stinks of "contractual obligation" even more than a North Melbourne raffle.
It's hard to believe his teammates like Tom Lynch and , uh, that guy and the other one, players who played a lot more football, couldn't dethrone him. Of course if you know anything about the AFL you understand that it operates much like Game of Thrones does only with more sex, incest, power plays and thanks to St Kilda, short people and burning.

Anyway Ablett plays as Ablett does - for himself. Former Victorian father of the year Tim Watson once said that Ablett had "become obsessed with the whole idea of going out there and being the best player" in order to win the Brownlow Medal rather than to help the team. Given the Suns finished second last this year after finishing fourth last in 2016 that wise old man and former St Kilda coach might have a point. Given Ablett didn't win the Brownlow because model citizen Dustin "at least I almost passed year 9" Martin grabbed the award with both chopsticks you have to say Gazza didn't fulfill his own brief either. Jonathan Brown once criticized him for "lacking the courage other captains do" but what would Browny know about captains, only having played under Voss who was the greatest Captain ever to play for a Queensland based team?

Anyway Gazza signed a contract extension with Gold Coast in 2015 which was more front-loaded than a Richmond Cheer Squad member:

Pictured: AFL premiers for 2017, diabetes

So when he requested a trade back to Geelong after 'earning' most of the money, the Gold Coast refused in 2016. Gazza responded with pure commitment by skipping day 1 of pre-season training because captains should always lead from behind. As George Takei would say, "oh my".
This year however he claimed it was for 'family reasons' and rather than let an 'injury prone' 33 year old with a questionable team-ethos continue to play for them, Gold Coast chairman John Doe decided to let him go. Geelong fans rejoiced as they famous Ablett name will once again grace the miniature-park they call a football oval, Gold Coast finally have a chance to build some semblance of a culture at their club more resilient than month-old unrefrigerated yoghurt and Gazza gets to be a part of Geelong's cliff while the edge is still sharp.

Of course, this will require Gazza learning the names of Geelong's young talent brigade which so far consists of a bunch of unproven draftees and a small puppy called Trevor, but the point is he will have to learn the names instead his Gold Coast modus operandi of calling everyone "mate", "you" or "where you getting traded to again?"

Fun fact: Gary Ablett's warm up routine is to shoot hoops away from his teammates (true).
If this doesn't demonstrate that Gazza is less of a team player than Judas planning dinner:

"Hey Jesus, coming to the last supper on Friday?"
"The what?"
"Ah supper, dinner, um, regular meal with the guys. My shout"

I don't know what does.

Gazza, enjoy moving from the sunny beaches of the Gold Coast to the beautiful vista of the Greater Geelong region:


Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.

 

[Bernie L]

Player 7 - Josh Jenkins


Pictured: The worst footballer quote since Bill Peterson asked his players to "line up alphabetically by height"

Josh Jenkins won the Leon Davis Medal for 2017 with a whopping 80.2% of the vote. It's fair to say that after September 2017 Mr Jenkins was all lead, no rubber.

Josh is the tallest small forward in the competition whose forte is Joe the Goose goals while taking on the 6th best defender. It's a very specific niche that only a player in a top side being carried by others can maintain. When pressured and forced to actually compete he turns to custard. Not the band, or the good kind, but lumpy No Frills out of date custard that hasn't been stirred properly.
Pro-Tip: "Can I stir your custard" works about as well as a pick up line as "you don't sweat much for a fat chick" ie only about 2% of the time.

Josh has an interesting journey into the world of AFL football. He grew up in Swan Hill, was on the development list for the Townsville Crocs (that's a basketball team, not a footwear company) then after one year at Tullamarine moved to Adelaide. Long story short, he's never lived in a city. He's big, tall, fast,

Anyway during the year he did manage to get off the chain a few times - a couple of 4-goal hauls and a game against Carlton where he managed 13 tackles to get his average for the year up to "adequate". The coaching staff at Adelaide (in a rare moment of clarity when they're not forcing young talent out of the club) did drop Josh to the SANFL at one point but he was brought back after one week.
He did manage to get food poisoning in Darwin during the year after eating some dodgy ham - which he backed up by eating all weekend then calling out Dangerfield by calling him "Dangerflop". The irony will become apparent shortly.

Josh does chop out in the ruck too, which means Wallsy's standard line of "stick him in the ruck" when he's having no impact falls by the wayside, although Josh was mentioned by Wallsy for a completely different reason this year:



It is a pretty spot on assessment. There are downhill skiiers, then there is Josh Jenkins who is more of a 'downhill motorskiier' which is far less fun than being a 'downstairs motorboater' which really is a mouthful.

Josh fired back at premiership winning champions Walls (and Carey too, who was also a critic):



Does that sound like overconfidence? Cause that's how you get overconfident.

He backed up his blabbing with a second dig at Patrick Dangerfield, who is a little bit like Josh Jenkins except he's good at football and a better mark and does the hard things and has a Brownlow medal and if advertising is anything to go by his suits are far more water resistant.



Let's be honest - the only way Paddy would have been a Premiership player is if he stayed at the Crows and demanded a contract clause that includes "drop Josh Jenkins" and the Richmond team bus broke down on the way to the MCG (flat tyre) and their incognito mechanic, one Mr Ty Reboyz took far too long to admit he couldn't help and then the Tigers missed the start of the game and because TV rights are more important than a fair contest the umpire bounces the ball anyway causing the Tiger army to explode in rage, Plugger to throw his Hahn Light Ice can at his Aldi flatscreen in frustration at "the rigged AFL" and Port Adelaide supporters en masse to cancel their BigFooty accounts.

But we know that didn't happen. The only thing we can really speculate on is that Josh Jenkins came up with the idea to book a spare seat next to Tex Walker on the flight home for the premiership cup they didn't end up winning in a football act of overconfidence not seen since Fremantle ordered a trophy cabinet.

Anyway Josh, Jenko, JJ. Stay away from dodgy northern Australian ham, good luck for a solid pre-season of repeatedly running into an open goal square and screaming for a handball. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.

Only # 7. Was top 3 for me!!

 

[craffles]

Thank you for your whiny melts, they fill the space between new entries nicely

Don't quote me you no name *