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Matt Stevic

Privileged White Cis Male Scumbag
Oct 29, 2012
4,565
7,667
Maryborough VIC
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Other Teams
Parramatta Eels, Arsenal, The Exers
Understandable mate. I remember well: when you're in it, it feels like your life is over. It's one of the biggest kicks in the guts life can throw at you. Things will turn when they are ready. Take your time getting over this and try to keep busy. It will pass. You can vent here, or PM me if you want to. Sorry you're going through this.
Thanks mate. I really do need to vent. It was exactly a month ago when she dumped me and I told her to get out of my house and never to talk to me again. Right now I would do anything just to talk to her again.

I am keeping busy working long days and weekends. But I still get crushed from time to time. I really do need to find another girl, but I just don’t feel like anyone could want me for any other reason than gold digging. I tried firing up Tinder the day she dumped me but I only matched with a few nineteen year olds who seemingly can’t even carry a conversation.

I’m bloody well losing it. I spent the last half hour going through our old texts.
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Thanks mate. I really do need to vent. It was exactly a month ago when she dumped me and I told her to get out of my house and never to talk to me again. Right now I would do anything just to talk to her again.

I am keeping busy working long days and weekends. But I still get crushed from time to time. I really do need to find another girl, but I just don’t feel like anyone could want me for any other reason than gold digging. I tried firing up Tinder the day she dumped me but I only matched with a few nineteen year olds who seemingly can’t even carry a conversation.

I’m bloody well losing it. I spent the last half hour going through our old texts.

I know how you feel. I’m still trying to get over someone myself. It felt as if it was expected that I be there for her, whenever she needed or wanted. When ever I tried reaching out, I was told how pathetic, what a loser I was and was quite often ignored.
It Has made me more reluctant to trust another female. For a while, I looked at things I said and did, some of which were pretty nasty (Nothing physical, namely name calling, which I am ashamed of) blaming myself for the way things transpired, believing I was a victim. I’m slowly realising, that I’m only a victim if I allow myself to be one.
I’m also of the understanding, that I was being emotionally manipulated. When she wanted to vent or there was a crisis, or couldn’t get her own way, she would open up, then she would get what she wanted, offer kind words, before ignoring me, until the next time. Very rare did she ever follow up on her words. I was raised that actions speak louder than words, she thought words of I’ll be there when you need me was enough. When I confronted her about that, I was insecure, nasty and horrible with a lot of issues.
I’m someone that has bottled up their emotions, always preferred to use logic, over emotion. So while I knew I was being used logically, emotionally, I wanted to believe her kind words. I was no match for her, she kept beating me down, as I was ill equipped and lacked the comprehension of my feelings, to respond on her level.
I’m no longer her victim, nor am I a victim of myself, I made mistakes, that’s part of life, from it I have learnt that I need to start to acknowledge my emotions, be more aware of other people’s emotions and to find a balance between logic and emotion.

So maybe we both should feel the hurt of losing someone we both thought was important. Acknowledging the things we did wrong, learn from our mistakes, embrace the things we did right, and start moving forward, without looking back.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,720
14,221
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
I know how you feel. I’m still trying to get over someone myself. It felt as if it was expected that I be there for her, whenever she needed or wanted. When ever I tried reaching out, I was told how pathetic, what a loser I was and was quite often ignored.
It Has made me more reluctant to trust another female. For a while, I looked at things I said and did, some of which were pretty nasty (Nothing physical, namely name calling, which I am ashamed of) blaming myself for the way things transpired, believing I was a victim. I’m slowly realising, that I’m only a victim if I allow myself to be one.
I’m also of the understanding, that I was being emotionally manipulated. When she wanted to vent or there was a crisis, or couldn’t get her own way, she would open up, then she would get what she wanted, offer kind words, before ignoring me, until the next time. Very rare did she ever follow up on her words. I was raised that actions speak louder than words, she thought words of I’ll be there when you need me was enough. When I confronted her about that, I was insecure, nasty and horrible with a lot of issues.
I’m someone that has bottled up their emotions, always preferred to use logic, over emotion. So while I knew I was being used logically, emotionally, I wanted to believe her kind words. I was no match for her, she kept beating me down, as I was ill equipped and lacked the comprehension of my feelings, to respond on her level.
I’m no longer her victim, nor am I a victim of myself, I made mistakes, that’s part of life, from it I have learnt that I need to start to acknowledge my emotions, be more aware of other people’s emotions and to find a balance between logic and emotion.

So maybe we both should feel the hurt of losing someone we both thought was important. Acknowledging the things we did wrong, learn from our mistakes, embrace the things we did right, and start moving forward, without looking back.
Very wise words, mate. The irony of this situation is that your instincts will probably make you want to show less of your vulnerabilities because you got burned last time you showed them, but in fact, you need to show more of them, and much earlier in the relationship - just so you know if you've got somebody who has basic empathy and understanding, or whether you've got another mercenary b***h on your hands. Don't be afraid to test somebody's response to your real feelings - it's the only way you'll know who you're really dating. It's hard to do, yes, but it's a whole lot better than investing in somebody who doesn't have the qualities you're looking for, and then getting kicked in the guts again.
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Very wise words, mate. The irony of this situation is that your instincts will probably make you want to show less of your vulnerabilities because you got burned last time you showed them, but in fact, you need to show more of them, and much earlier in the relationship - just so you know if you've got somebody who has basic empathy and understanding, or whether you've got another mercenary b***h on your hands. Don't be afraid to test somebody's response to your real feelings - it's the only way you'll know who you're really dating. It's hard to do, yes, but it's a whole lot better than investing in somebody who doesn't have the qualities you're looking for, and then getting kicked in the guts again.

Thanks mate, much appreciated.

*edit* also agree with showing my vulnerabilities a lot earlier.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,720
14,221
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
Thanks mate. I really do need to vent. It was exactly a month ago when she dumped me and I told her to get out of my house and never to talk to me again. Right now I would do anything just to talk to her again.

I am keeping busy working long days and weekends. But I still get crushed from time to time. I really do need to find another girl, but I just don’t feel like anyone could want me for any other reason than gold digging. I tried firing up Tinder the day she dumped me but I only matched with a few nineteen year olds who seemingly can’t even carry a conversation.

I’m bloody well losing it. I spent the last half hour going through our old texts.

Regarding that first bit, she would probably love nothing more than for you to call her up and beg to talk - then she'd shoot you down in flames. You really don't need that experience! Let it be, she isn't the girl for you - you already know that. Loneliness can make us forget very hard learned lessons - but you know that it's a mistake, so stand by your decision because you made it for a your own well-being.

I'd say give yourself a bit more time. You want to clear your head of your ex a bit before going out with somebody new - it's the fair thing to do for you and for her. You don't want a new girl paying the price for you not having your head in the game. Or just wait until you meet somebody who really interests you - rather than going deliberately looking.
 

Matt Stevic

Privileged White Cis Male Scumbag
Oct 29, 2012
4,565
7,667
Maryborough VIC
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Other Teams
Parramatta Eels, Arsenal, The Exers
I know how you feel. I’m still trying to get over someone myself. It felt as if it was expected that I be there for her, whenever she needed or wanted. When ever I tried reaching out, I was told how pathetic, what a loser I was and was quite often ignored.
It Has made me more reluctant to trust another female. For a while, I looked at things I said and did, some of which were pretty nasty (Nothing physical, namely name calling, which I am ashamed of) blaming myself for the way things transpired, believing I was a victim. I’m slowly realising, that I’m only a victim if I allow myself to be one.
I’m also of the understanding, that I was being emotionally manipulated. When she wanted to vent or there was a crisis, or couldn’t get her own way, she would open up, then she would get what she wanted, offer kind words, before ignoring me, until the next time. Very rare did she ever follow up on her words. I was raised that actions speak louder than words, she thought words of I’ll be there when you need me was enough. When I confronted her about that, I was insecure, nasty and horrible with a lot of issues.
I’m someone that has bottled up their emotions, always preferred to use logic, over emotion. So while I knew I was being used logically, emotionally, I wanted to believe her kind words. I was no match for her, she kept beating me down, as I was ill equipped and lacked the comprehension of my feelings, to respond on her level.
I’m no longer her victim, nor am I a victim of myself, I made mistakes, that’s part of life, from it I have learnt that I need to start to acknowledge my emotions, be more aware of other people’s emotions and to find a balance between logic and emotion.

So maybe we both should feel the hurt of losing someone we both thought was important. Acknowledging the things we did wrong, learn from our mistakes, embrace the things we did right, and start moving forward, without looking back.
I appreciate your post mate. I feel your frustration - you try your hardest to be empathetic and kind to people in your life and you aren’t extended that courtesy. It can be crushing.

I like what you say about taking ownership of everything. Seeing yourself as a victim is never going to be healthy.
 

Matt Stevic

Privileged White Cis Male Scumbag
Oct 29, 2012
4,565
7,667
Maryborough VIC
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Other Teams
Parramatta Eels, Arsenal, The Exers
Regarding that first bit, she would probably love nothing more than for you to call her up and beg to talk - then she'd shoot you down in flames. You really don't need that experience! Let it be, she isn't the girl for you - you already know that. Loneliness can make us forget very hard learned lessons - but you know that it's a mistake, so stand by your decision because you made it for a your own well-being.

I'd say give yourself a bit more time. You want to clear your head of your ex a bit before going out with somebody new - it's the fair thing to do for you and for her. You don't want a new girl paying the price for you not having your head in the game. Or just wait until you meet somebody who really interests you - rather than going deliberately looking.
Thank you. Yes I may be emotionally hurting but I hope I have the good sense to never talk to her again. To be honest I am glad that I kicked her out the moment she broke up with me - her crocodile tears disgusted me and I just didn’t need to see them. And I am also glad that I never once raised my voice to her or did anything that compromised my principles.

I will give it time, see how I go. It’s all pretty recent, and pretty raw. It really hurts knowing that she’s not cut up about this at all. Found her on Tinder too during my aforementioned swiping. Ouch.
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
I appreciate your post mate. I feel your frustration - you try your hardest to be empathetic and kind to people in your life and you aren’t extended that courtesy. It can be crushing.

I like what you say about taking ownership of everything. Seeing yourself as a victim is never going to be healthy.

It still hurts. Although I’m starting to accept that it is what it was, a learning curve. I think the next time I have feelings for someone, that I will be more willing earlier to take the risk, rather than try to suppress. It may work, or it may turn out to be another lesson.
 
Discussion came up on the North Board and it reminded me of the following video, which I found a really interesting take on depression and how it can affect people who aren't classically "susceptible" to depression, or those who you least expect.

From memory the discussion carries on into the next episode as well.

 

Simbatheking21

All Australian
Sep 11, 2013
953
2,081
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
Had a f$&king horrible weekend.

My wife and I are in a really bad place and she’s been a yo-yo for a little while now, I also lost my job and scatted my dads ashes all in 3 weeks. I didn’t really deal with and just took the “everything will be fine approach”

My wife went away with her family on Friday and is gone for a week. I was looking after her brothers dog and as a terrible accident, the dog got to my pet bird and killed him.

I know some people will say it was only a bird or a pet but that little guy was the only thing that made me laugh and smile when I’ve been down, depressed, upset etc etc. even when my wife was upset with me and staying at her mums, I always had him to make me laugh.

I guess the death of him really brought out all the bad s**t that’s happened to me recently, and I totally had a really bad break. I broke a door by punching it, and all I’ve done is cried all weekend.

Just wish my wife was more supportive of me, she just puts so much pressure on me and all she said about the bird was “why did you have the cage open??” .... I really didn’t need to hear that.

Not expecting anyone to write back but just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Just feel so rock bottom at the moment with my life.

Hate being depressed
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
I worry about it a lot
But I know twisting myself in knots won’t do me any good though so just need to keep focused on the end goal which is my beautiful kids and her not being able to own me any longer

How did your mediation go?
All good I hope?
 

Glacier

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 28, 2007
5,697
8,434
close
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Had a f$&king horrible weekend.

My wife and I are in a really bad place and she’s been a yo-yo for a little while now, I also lost my job and scatted my dads ashes all in 3 weeks. I didn’t really deal with and just took the “everything will be fine approach”

My wife went away with her family on Friday and is gone for a week. I was looking after her brothers dog and as a terrible accident, the dog got to my pet bird and killed him.

I know some people will say it was only a bird or a pet but that little guy was the only thing that made me laugh and smile when I’ve been down, depressed, upset etc etc. even when my wife was upset with me and staying at her mums, I always had him to make me laugh.

I guess the death of him really brought out all the bad s**t that’s happened to me recently, and I totally had a really bad break. I broke a door by punching it, and all I’ve done is cried all weekend.

Just wish my wife was more supportive of me, she just puts so much pressure on me and all she said about the bird was “why did you have the cage open??” .... I really didn’t need to hear that.

Not expecting anyone to write back but just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Just feel so rock bottom at the moment with my life.

Hate being depressed
Hope you are ok
This thread is awesome for support mate
Pm anytime
 

Cicatriz

All Australian
Sep 25, 2005
879
908
Melbourne
AFL Club
Geelong
Just wish my wife was more supportive of me, she just puts so much pressure on me and all she said about the bird was “why did you have the cage open??” .... I really didn’t need to hear that.
It's never nice when people just don't get it. I'm sorry to hear about your bad run. I'm not on my best run at the moment, however it's important that I stay positive. I hope you do as well.
 

Simbatheking21

All Australian
Sep 11, 2013
953
2,081
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
It's never nice when people just don't get it. I'm sorry to hear about your bad run. I'm not on my best run at the moment, however it's important that I stay positive. I hope you do as well.

Cheers mate. Just a s**t run and I know I’ll get out of it.. just awesome to vent on this page. Also sucks when you don’t live near family and friends. But, I’ll always try to remain positive. Thanks for the comment mate. Hope all is working with you
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
It's never nice when people just don't get it. I'm sorry to hear about your bad run. I'm not on my best run at the moment, however it's important that I stay positive. I hope you do as well.

Remaining positive is the key. I was told last Friday night after having a beer with work colleagues after work and being told see you Monday, that my services are no longer required.
Managed to pick up 2-3 days of work this week. Have 3 job interviews today, for something a little bit more permanent. I’m confident that I’ll be offered all 3 positions.
After hearing the news, instead of feeling sorry for myself and allowing the negative thoughts to dictate, I was more proactive by applying for 30 odd positions on line.
While my situation wasn’t ideal, I do see the positives in it. I can look at various things, I can get something closer to home, I might get a pay rise. Learn new skills. Ect. So not the end of the world!
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
8,722
7,093
AFL Club
Adelaide
I don't have any current wise words to share. Just want to rant a little and hoping others can see that bad luck is everywhere if you look hard enough..

This last 2 months, I've hardly been out apart from the regular job. I usually play tennis every few weeks on the weekends, but haven't been able to do jack because:
- accidentally kicked hard on left foot causing a whole toenail of the big toe to lift (painful and gradual slow lift). It's come off entirely, and a newer nail (slightly mutated) has grown in place of the old one.
- kicked hard out of anger during an argument, and ended up bruising my right foot with swelling for a whole month. Had to hobble during that time with an obvious limp!

Currently, I'm walking fine with no limp. Looking forward to getting more sunshine and Vitamin D by next month!
 
Aug 20, 2013
20,172
23,763
Adelaide
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Celtics , England FC
In the last five to six weeks my anxiety has been getting worse, where it has been making me unenthusiastic and finding so difficult to come to class at uni.

I'm thinking to make the decision of deferring until next year as i'm not in the correct headspace at the moment. I'm worried that since I'm on Centrelink that my payments will get stopped as I'm on youth allowance. However, I'm getting a doctor to write a letter to confirm on what's going on.

At the present moment, I feel like such a failure on my current situations :(
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,768
11,926
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
In the last five to six weeks my anxiety has been getting worse, where it has been making me unenthusiastic and finding so difficult to come to class at uni.

I'm thinking to make the decision of deferring until next year as i'm not in the correct headspace at the moment. I'm worried that since I'm on Centrelink that my payments will get stopped as I'm on youth allowance. However, I'm getting a doctor to write a letter to confirm on what's going on.

At the present moment, I feel like such a failure on my current situations :(
If a friend came to you and they were having the same issues what advice would you give them? Would you call them a failure or judge them harshly? I know it can be difficult, but try to catch yourself when you have thoughts like "I'm a failure", they are self judgment, not helpful, and not even true. Try and treat yourself like you would treat a best friend. I know it's been posted on here before but watch this tedx talk on how harmful self judgment can be, and what a change being kind to yourself can make. Good luck and keep us posted.

 
Feb 27, 2011
12,621
13,434
AFL Club
Collingwood
In the last five to six weeks my anxiety has been getting worse, where it has been making me unenthusiastic and finding so difficult to come to class at uni.

I'm thinking to make the decision of deferring until next year as i'm not in the correct headspace at the moment. I'm worried that since I'm on Centrelink that my payments will get stopped as I'm on youth allowance. However, I'm getting a doctor to write a letter to confirm on what's going on.

At the present moment, I feel like such a failure on my current situations :(
I have had 2 bouts of anxiety attacks both lasting for at least six months. The first time was brutal, it destroys you. I endured it and got through both times without any of those dangerous mind altering drugs. It's tough mate, but you can get through it.
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
In the last five to six weeks my anxiety has been getting worse, where it has been making me unenthusiastic and finding so difficult to come to class at uni.

I'm thinking to make the decision of deferring until next year as i'm not in the correct headspace at the moment. I'm worried that since I'm on Centrelink that my payments will get stopped as I'm on youth allowance. However, I'm getting a doctor to write a letter to confirm on what's going on.

At the present moment, I feel like such a failure on my current situations :(

It’s good that your doctor is writing a letter.

By deferring your uni, maybe talk to your doctor/counsellor to help make an informed decision.
I agree with you on wanting to defer, because if your not mentally into it, your going to suffer for it. Which is unfair on you. However, just an idea, is it feasible for you to do a part time course, either through the net or Tafe? It might be a bit less stressful, and your still learning.
 

Nugett

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2017
6,183
7,260
AFL Club
Hawthorn
If a friend came to you and they were having the same issues what advice would you give them? Would you call them a failure or judge them harshly? I know it can be difficult, but try to catch yourself when you have thoughts like "I'm a failure", they are self judgment, not helpful, and not even true. Try and treat yourself like you would treat a best friend. I know it's been posted on here before but watch this tedx talk on how harmful self judgment can be, and what a change being kind to yourself can make. Good luck and keep us posted.



In the course I’m doing, it’s based on emotional intelligence. Some of the questions are a bit personal, where I need feed back from other people regarding my empathy levels (which are low). The feedback I receive from both myself and others is that I am too critical.

I had the belief that in order to succeed in life you had to be hard, hence being critical.

What I’m realising is, by being too critical, I have ended up pushing people away and alienating myself because of it.

I still believe, that self critism can be a positive, as it can help set up goals and helps to drive you towards them goals, as well as it helps you to learn from your mistakes through critical self analysis of your self.

My mistake has been, in not allowing compassion or empathy, when I don’t achieve what I set out to do. Also interpersonally I need to stop judging others on what I perceive to be there failures, and show more empathy towards them.

Out of all the challenges that I have set myself, changing my train of thought and belief system, it’s going to be hard.

I quoted you, as you was saying something which was similar to what I was thinking. Then I went off on a tangent!
 

Kavliaris69

Club Legend
Sep 1, 2011
1,418
1,413
"A Little Left of Heaven"
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Hi all, just venting so don't feel you have to reply.

My wife of 23yrs asked to seperate in March and I moved out in April. We have had issues but never believed it was at that stage.

We are amicable and talking often. I see our sons 21/16 any time I want to. We still have a lot of respect and care for each other but not sure if we will find a way back. I love my wife very deeply as I always have.

It has hit me extremely hard and in a very dark place at the moment. I am in a state of disbelief and consumed with severe grief and melancholy. I feel I have lost my identity as a husband, friend, lover, care giver, earner, confidant, etc. feels like I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't have anything that I look forward to these days and nothing gives me any joy. It feels like the world has nothing to offer me and I have nothing to offer to the world.

My feelings of complete displacement makes me wonder if I belong here anymore. The only thing keeping me going is that I do not want my boys to go through the pain of losing me.

I hate feeling like this. But survive I must.
 
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