Lame Jokes Part 2

[worbod]

What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

Haaaaannndd eeeeeeeyyyyyeeee

 

[worbod]

Why did the vision impaired man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.

 

[Procrastinator35]

Why did the vision impaired man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.

You certainly have this format down-pat.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

You certainly have this format down-pat.

But surprisingly not the most capped in this thread.

That goes to Quadzilla.

 

[Procrastinator35]

But surprisingly not the most capped in this thread.

That goes to Quadzilla.

At least those two know the difference between a lame-duck & a pearler.

One can't say the same for other posters.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

At least those two know the difference between a lame-duck & a pearler.

One can't say the same for other posters.

True.

BTW, here's something for you.


I don't need a spine.
It's holding me back.

 

[Procrastinator35]

True.

BTW, here's something for you.

I don't need a spine.
It's holding me back.

Q.....What did the spineless jelly-fish say to the other spineless jelly-fish?

A....You & I have the perfect physique to be politicians.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I want there to be milk which helps you sit very well.

Posturised milk.

 

[GreyCrow]

I want there to be milk which helps you sit very well.

Posturised milk.

I want mine delivered on a Lazy Susan

Past-your-eyes

 

[Wallaby]

I just deleted all the German contacts off my phone. It's Hans free.

 

[worbod]

Two electric windmills are standing in a field. One turns to the other and asks, "What kind of music do you like?"
The second one replies, "I'm a huge metal fan."

 

[GreyCrow]

Two electric windmills are standing in a field. One turns to the other and asks, "What kind of music do you like?"
The second one replies, "I'm a huge metal fan."

Two grumpy old fans heard this exchange and one turned to the other and said 'I prefer Blowin in the wind '

 

[Damp Squarie]

This bloke sat next to me on the train, pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my boyfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is he a stunner?"
I said, "No, he's an optician!"

 

[worbod]

Why did the fish get bad grades?

Because it was below sea level.

 

[worbod]

I'm thinking of getting a job as a brain tumour surgeon. I hear it's a real growth industry.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 

[Wallaby]

It's not so easy as you think to donate a kidney.

They ask all sorts of awkward questions, like, " Where did you get it?" and "Whose is it?"

 

[Xtreme]

A phone walks into a bar & says to a modem "Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I feel a strong connection."

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call an Italian man with a fully sick convertible?

Carlo.

 

[GreyCrow]

What do you call an Italian man with a fully sick convertible?

Carlo.

A Mexican without a map?

Carlos

 

[Damp Squarie]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late in coming home again decided to leave a note saying,"I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me." and hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short, while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on the note before picking up the phone and calling someone; "She's finally gone..yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French shirt, I love you.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with utter rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he had written; "I can see your feet. Stop being *ed, we're outta bread, throw the kettle on, back in 5 minutes.”

 

[Damp Squarie]

Ode to a Bunning’s onion

I am a Bunning’s onion
My life was once quite grand,
I’d get to look at everything
As you held me in your hand.

Looking out the drivers window
Or at the people you would greet,
All these scenes unfolded
Up upon my sausage seat.

Sometimes I would be blinded
Smothered by that sauce so red,
Or a squeeze of yellow mustard
Soaked up by the fresh white bread.

But now my life’s just not as good
As it used to be,
For my view is now constricted
By the snag on top of me.

And why you ask have things so changed,
Why did my status drop?
It’s all because some Gympie bloke
Trod on me and went flop!

So I’ll fade into obscurity
Underneath some dodgy meat,
Now that Bunning’s changed the way
We eat our weekend treat.

So please do not forget me
Now I’m down out of the way,
And now and then lift up that snag
And smile and say G’day!

I’ll still be just as tasty
Cooked so caramel and rich,
I’m just not as important
Since becoming Bunning’s B#tch!

Peter McF@dyen

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Dwarf shortage.

 

[Deliverance]

What do you call an Italian man with a fully sick convertible?

Carlo.

A drunk Arab:
Hamid

 

[Deliverance]

A really drunk Arab:
Mohammed