Dad jokes - add yours

[Harvey Manfrenjensenden]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The Man, "That would be my wife"

 

[andana]

What do you call a sheep that does karate?

Lamb chop

 

[krakouers]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The Man, "That would be my wife"

A man has been going around stealing wheels off police cars, police have been working tirelessly to catch him

A hole has been dug outside the local police station, police are looking into it

 

[gokangas]

I like jokes about eyes. Cornea the better.

 

[krakouers]

If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union on the wall... that’s a big red flag

 

[gokangas]

A man has been going around stealing wheels off police cars, police have been working tirelessly to catch him

A hole has been dug outside the local police station, police are looking into it

I hear someone broke into Collingwood Police Station and stole all their toilets. At the moment Police have nothing to go on.

 

[Orange Peanut]

90% of people are stupid.

I'm just glad I'm in the other 20%.

 

[jimandphilbadge]

If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union on the wall... that’s a big red flag

It's hard to know what the best thing about Switzerland is, but their flag is a big plus.

 

[andana]

I fell into a pile of animal guts.

It was offal.

 

[big_e]

It's hard to know what the best thing about Switzerland is, but their flag is a big plus.

I tried to steal a car in Switzerland but it was stuck in neutral.

 

[Orange Peanut]

Do colorblind Americans think Denver is in ado?

 

[giantroo]

Police recently apprehended a man for stealing full stops, commas, and various other punctuation marks.

They said he should expect a long sentence.

 

[WayneShimmiesTheBush]

People said that my dyslexia would affect my poetry.

Not sure what they were thinking. I have a lovely jug, vase and plate to prove them wrong.

 

[big_e]

People said that my dyslexia would affect my poetry.

Not sure what they were thinking. I have a lovely jug, vase and plate to prove them wrong.

That reminds me of the agnostic, insomniac dyslexic. He would lie awake all night, wondering if there really was a dog.

 

[Hojuman]

Knock Knock !
Scamper; " who' s there " ?
AFL !
Scamper; " Whadda 'ya want " ?
Open the door. We got your s**t 2020 draw !

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Knock Knock !
Scamper; " who' s there " ?
AFL !
Scamper; " Whadda 'ya want " ?
Open the door. We got your s**t 2020 draw !

With all due respect Hoju, it's a FIX-ture

 

[goalieboy82]

Knock Knock !
Scamper; " who' s there " ?
AFL !
Scamper; " Whadda 'ya want " ?
Open the door. We got your s**t 2020 draw !

 

[big_e]

The Fuhrer was really struggling with the crossword one day, so he turned to an aide for advice.

"Son, I need some help. Tiny balls of ice that fall from the sky. Four letters."

"Hail, Hitler"

 

[Bertie22]

Q: Why did the computer need a jacket?

A: Because it kept freezing.


Q: Why did the elephants at the circus go on strike?

A: They were tired of working for peanuts.


Q: How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?

A: By its bark.


Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?

A: At the quack of dawn.

This is the end of my catalogue...until I find the one from last century!!!

 

[Rod Stroker]

90% of people are stupid.

I'm just glad I'm in the other 20%.

5 out of every 4 people have trouble with fractions.

 

[Rod Stroker]

Recently turned vegan. It really is a big missed steak.

 

[Rod Stroker]

What's green with wings and eats magpies?


The MCG in September.

 

[Rod Stroker]

How do you make a sausage roll?

Give it a little push.

 

[Falconista]

Dogs can't operate MRI machines..
But catscan

 

[Orange Peanut]

My wife was going to a job interview. I looked at her as she left and called out "plethora."

She said "Thanks. That means a lot."