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CliffMcTainshaw said:
Scientists have described Australia's current situation as the "Spice Girls paradigm!"
Everyone is trying really hard but Victoria is ruining it. Thank you Ross Noble
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With Victoria still being the only attractive & classy alternative.
 
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, ” Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That's no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 90, he can't help”.
“He may be 90,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”
 
A young man is walking through a large park. Ahead of him is an elderly man sitting on a park bench.
As he approaches the old man he notices that he’s crying. He stops and asks “Is there anything wrong, can I help in any way.”
The old man looks up at him with tears in his eyes and says “I’m a billionaire, I have a luxurious mansion and a fleet of Rolls Royces to carry me around. I own a jet plane so I can travel freely around the world. I have a 90 metre ocean going yacht and I own islands all over the world. My wife is 21, a former beauty queen who loves me deeply and she’s a nymphomaniac.” "What" says the surprised young man. The old man goes on, "my investments make me about $10 million a week."
This description of the old man’s life leaves the young man completely astounded and he blurts out, “Well, um ah er, that’s simply amazing, it sounds absolutely wonderful, how could you be upset about that. Why are you so upset?” "Because" the old man says, “I can’t remember where I live.”
 

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A young couple were renting a nice little suburban flat, but they longed for a place in the country but could not afford a mortgage.
One day the husband came home very excited and called to his wife, "Great news, great news, we’ve won Tattslotto, we can afford to buy a house in the country”.
After weeks of searching they found what they were looking for: A lovely stone 19th century worker’s cottage, on one hectare, within easy reach of city by rail or road. So they arranged to inspect the property. The cottage was beautiful, with stone walls and a newly painted tin roof. A crazy-paving path led across an immaculate lawn to the front verandah. An elderly man opened the door and invited them in. The hallway contained an impressive mahogany hall stand and was hung with beautiful Victorian era prints. Each room was freshly painted and tastefully furnished.
"I really must compliment you on the condition of the property said the young man to the owner but, even as he spoke, his wife tugged his sleeve and reached up to whisper in his ear. "My wife," he said to the owner, "observes that there appear to be no toilet facilities." "That’s right," said the owner, "we haven"t got the mains and the dirt’s no good for septic. We’ve got a dunny down the back. Come and see."
He led them into the back garden, past herbs in pots and neat rows of vegetables, down a brick path at the end of which stood the dunny, resplendent in a new coat of white paint and red roof, flanked by frangipanis in full bloom. The dunny was superbly made of cedar chamfer-board. Its receptacle gleamed inside and out and the seat was more cedar, smoothed and polished through years of use. "Again," said the young man, "I must compliment you on the condition of this, er, facility."
Again his wife tugged his sleeve and whispered. "What’s the matter this time?" asked the owner. "My wife observes that there is no lock on the door," the young man replied diffidently. The owner considered this question carefully; the demonstrable lack of security appeared to imply considerations that had never previously exercised his mind. "She’s right, you know, there is no lock on the door. But I'll tell you both something, I don't know what people are like where you come from, but I’ve lived my entire life of eighty five years right here, and I’ve never had a bucket of $hit stolen yet."
 
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My favourite religion joke:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too!

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
 
ferrisb said:
My favourite religion joke:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too!

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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buh?

On SM-G925I using BigFooty.com mobile app
 
Cuzz09 said:
buh?
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Most religions are 95% the same. But instead of celebrating that, most people focus on the 5% that makes people different. What I love about this joke is that it highlights that even two people who follow 99.99% of the same theology still can't get along....

I am an atheist, but I don't like to get too critical of religion in public. But this joke was originally shown to me by my brother who is a clergyman. So I feel I've got a free pass on this one.
 
ferrisb said:
Most religions are 95% the same. But instead of celebrating that, most people focus on the 5% that makes people different. What I love about this joke is that it highlights that even two people who follow 99.99% of the same theology still can't get along....

I am an atheist, but I don't like to get too critical of religion in public. But this joke was originally shown to me by my brother who is a clergyman. So I feel I've got a free pass on this one.
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The tyranny of Monotheism....There's only 1 right Answer to every question....Mine.
 
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Little Johnny showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, it was salty."
 
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CliffMcTainshaw said:
There were two old women in the park when a man comes up to them and exposes himself. One of the women had a stroke, but the other one couldn't reach.
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Posted on June 26, 2016:
STFU Donnie said:
A disgusting pervert flashed two old women at a bus stop. One of the old dears had a stroke. But the other couldn't quite reach.
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It's a long thread after all. Bound to be more double ups.
 
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