Lame Jokes Part 2

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Came home to find the wife had ditched the toaster. Doctor told her she was black-toast intolerant.
 
Why did it take so long for the blonde to make ice?

She lost the recipe
 

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The CEO of Australia Post has resigned. He actually resigned 18 months ago but it took until today for the letter to arrive.
 
I just failed my magicians exam.
Too many trick questions.

Sad - I did think I'd ace it
 
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
 
Doctor: How much alcohol do you drink?
Patient: About 12 beers a day
Doctor: I think you should go into counselling
Patient: Maybe you're right but I have a pretty good career in accounting
 
"So... did you hear, someone stabbed that American actress on the weekend, Reese whatsername..."

"Witherspoon?"

"Nah, mate, with a knife."
 

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Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person. Today, I lost my job as a bus driver... This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
 
What do you call a man in your letterbox? - Bill

What do you call a short man in your letterbox? - Bill Shorten
 
What did the German policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.
 
What do you call fake news? Bull

What do you call fake news turned around to suit your ideology? Turnbull
 
I'll soon be releasing an online demonstration on how to use a coffee capsule as fishing bait.

... Watch out for my Podcast.
 
When a cricket pitch was put on my land.
I had to ask the insurance company for extra cover.
 
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