Lame Jokes Part 2

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The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. Hope it wasnt a number 2?
 

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Alan the Shore Bird: Hey Bob, why do you always rap on the door with your beak before you fly off at night?
Bob the Shore Bird: Because I'm a knock tern, Al.
 
In breaking news...

Two pieces of string have been arrested after becoming entangled in a brawl outside a local spool hall.

Witnesses said the two appeared unravelled and strung out. "They began teasing the other strings and tensions increased rapidly. Then they just snapped. The whole thing has left a knot in my stomach."

According to police, they were armed with a pair of scissors and made a number of threads immediately before the brawl broke out.

The suspects have no ties to organised twine. Both strings have been charged with affray and will be bound over for trial.
 
The difference between a Rolling Stone, and a Scottish shepherd?

One says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud ", and the shepherd says, "hey McCloud, get off of my ewe! "
 
Government can't get anything right.

For instance, every time Harrison's Ford drives over one of Jeff's Bridges, he always pays the toll, so why does he get Ralph's Fiennes?
 

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A man had just settled in to his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles..
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.:('
 
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Today I have been diagnosed with what they call Joe Cocker syndrome. But not to worry, I can get by with a little help from my friends.
 
Have you met my friend Rose Thorne?
She's a prickly character.

Have you met her friend Paddy?
Language is very meaty.

What about Paddy's smart boyfriend Blade?
He's pretty sharp.

Finally, have you met Blade's sister Sequoia?
Tree's a tall girl.
 
Moving planks of wood is very convenient I'd say.
Very palletable.

I've just gotten back into buying bags of wood for fire.
I'm rekindling my interest with an old flame.

2 electricians met and went on a first date.
Sparks flew immediately.
 
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