Perfect long term relationships that go sour

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Hawker_85 said:
I don't really have anywhere else to take this but I need to vent/get an outside opinion. I'm currently engaged, my partner and I have been together for seven years. We met in Canberra, where we were both studying. Things were great while we were in Canberra, we had a lot in common and we loved each other. She told me after a while that she had experienced depression and anxiety in the past and it was something that would come up now and then, but we managed it together when it did.

When we both graduated we ended up getting jobs in Sydney (her home town) so we moved in together in an apartment in the city. I worked out west so I had a fairly long commute each day and I went to the gym religiously after work so I would leave home around 6 am and get home around 7 pm. She was working in the city, only a couple of train stops away from our place. Our daily routine would be that I would get home from work/gym, she would be on the computer playing ******* world of warcraft, more often than not I would cook dinner, we would eat and watch tv or she would continue to play WoW (raiding or whatever, I don't play the game) I would play some xbox, do some of my postgraduate uni work or chores like my laundry (between work uniforms and gym gear I generate a heap of laundry.)

One afternoon while I was at work I got a call from the police asking me if I knew where my partner was. Obviously her employer hadn't heard from her and was concerned enough to make the call to the cops, and they called me as of course if something bad had happened to her then chances were it was her partner that did it. I responded with "well, as far as I am aware she is at work." So of course I flew into a panic because if she wasn't at work I didn't know where she was or if something terrible had happened to her or what. I tried calling her, no answer. I told my boss I had to go because the cops had called me looking for my partner, I got home and she wasn't there. I am frantically calling her at this point, until she finally answers, she had left our apartment because she obviously knew that I would be rushing home and she didn't want to face me. Turns out she had been calling in sick, staying at home because of her mental illness and playing WoW because that made her feel better. I was pretty angry that she had lied to me and that she had let it get to the point that the police had to call me, she apologised and said she wouldn't let it happen again. During this point we also racked up massive credit card debt because she wasn't making any money and she was paying the bills that she was responsible for (I paid the rent so she had the other stuff) with my credit card. I know I should have been paying more attention to my finances, and I'm still paying that debt off, but I'm now making six figures so it's under control.

12 months later, we had moved out west to save me driving so far and she was taking the train to get to work as she worked right next to the station in the city. I dropped home one day because I had forgotten my lunch, the computer is turned on, WoW is playing, but she is nowhere to be seen. I look around the house, turns out she is hiding from me in the spare bedroom because she doesn't want to tell me the truth about what is going on. I considered ending the relationship there. Then work ended up transferring me to Albury Wodonga for two years, she stayed in Sydney so I made the drive to and from home for weekends over that time. Things seemed to get better, probably the time apart made things seem better when we were together. God only knows how much work she skipped during those two years.

I'm now back in Sydney, and recently I just got a gut feel that something was off. I came home at lunch because I forgot to grab my food out of the fridge and she was there, told me that she had called in sick. I've gotten home a few times earlier than expected and she has been there, she gives me some excuse about "leaving work at lunch time" or whatever. I checked her browser history the other day (not a move I'm proud of, but at this point warranted I think) and nearly every week day for the past fortnight has history starting at 9 - 10 am, googling world of warcraft related stuff. The other days the browser history start at 2 pm or so, so she may have gone to work that morning but who knows.

On an unrelated note, I really try and look after myself, eat well, go to the gym all the time. Her weight has ballooned pretty much since we moved in together, she constantly eats crap in front of the computer, she pays for a gym membership (and partially justified buying a brand new car by saying she could use it to get to the gym) I've spent thousands built a gym in our garage including a concept 2 rower that she said she really wanted (but I've gotten a bunch of use out of, so that's a bonus) but none of it has made any difference. I really think that her weight is making her depression worse, and I can't seem to get her to break out of this downward spiral she is on. I've tried the kid gloves approach, I've tried the leading by example approach, I've tried being frank, hell, I've tried being harsh. Writing all of this down now makes the decisions that I've made in the past to stay in this relationship seem insane. The rest of my life is going great, I get rave performance reviews at work,my studies are going well, but I'm at my wits end with this relationship, I feel like I can't trust a word she says any more. I'm sorry for this wall of text, and if no-one reads it or responds that's fine, it's been cathartic to write all of this out.
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doesn't sound like there are any reasons to continue the relationship. nothing in it for you? no kids involved?
 

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jesus.. you sound like a good genuine bloke, no homo.


so many red flags... skipping work to play video games? shes got serious issues that require pro help at this stage. as a partner you can only do so much as a therapist.. and tbh it sounds like you've done too much at this stage.

love is blinding, but you gotta cut her off.. its not gonna be easy. but its the right move.
 
Hawker_85 said:
I don't really have anywhere else to take this but I need to vent/get an outside opinion. I'm currently engaged, my partner and I have been together for seven years. We met in Canberra, where we were both studying. Things were great while we were in Canberra, we had a lot in common and we loved each other. She told me after a while that she had experienced depression and anxiety in the past and it was something that would come up now and then, but we managed it together when it did.

When we both graduated we ended up getting jobs in Sydney (her home town) so we moved in together in an apartment in the city. I worked out west so I had a fairly long commute each day and I went to the gym religiously after work so I would leave home around 6 am and get home around 7 pm. She was working in the city, only a couple of train stops away from our place. Our daily routine would be that I would get home from work/gym, she would be on the computer playing ******* world of warcraft, more often than not I would cook dinner, we would eat and watch tv or she would continue to play WoW (raiding or whatever, I don't play the game) I would play some xbox, do some of my postgraduate uni work or chores like my laundry (between work uniforms and gym gear I generate a heap of laundry.)

One afternoon while I was at work I got a call from the police asking me if I knew where my partner was. Obviously her employer hadn't heard from her and was concerned enough to make the call to the cops, and they called me as of course if something bad had happened to her then chances were it was her partner that did it. I responded with "well, as far as I am aware she is at work." So of course I flew into a panic because if she wasn't at work I didn't know where she was or if something terrible had happened to her or what. I tried calling her, no answer. I told my boss I had to go because the cops had called me looking for my partner, I got home and she wasn't there. I am frantically calling her at this point, until she finally answers, she had left our apartment because she obviously knew that I would be rushing home and she didn't want to face me. Turns out she had been calling in sick, staying at home because of her mental illness and playing WoW because that made her feel better. I was pretty angry that she had lied to me and that she had let it get to the point that the police had to call me, she apologised and said she wouldn't let it happen again. During this point we also racked up massive credit card debt because she wasn't making any money and she was paying the bills that she was responsible for (I paid the rent so she had the other stuff) with my credit card. I know I should have been paying more attention to my finances, and I'm still paying that debt off, but I'm now making six figures so it's under control.

12 months later, we had moved out west to save me driving so far and she was taking the train to get to work as she worked right next to the station in the city. I dropped home one day because I had forgotten my lunch, the computer is turned on, WoW is playing, but she is nowhere to be seen. I look around the house, turns out she is hiding from me in the spare bedroom because she doesn't want to tell me the truth about what is going on. I considered ending the relationship there. Then work ended up transferring me to Albury Wodonga for two years, she stayed in Sydney so I made the drive to and from home for weekends over that time. Things seemed to get better, probably the time apart made things seem better when we were together. God only knows how much work she skipped during those two years.

I'm now back in Sydney, and recently I just got a gut feel that something was off. I came home at lunch because I forgot to grab my food out of the fridge and she was there, told me that she had called in sick. I've gotten home a few times earlier than expected and she has been there, she gives me some excuse about "leaving work at lunch time" or whatever. I checked her browser history the other day (not a move I'm proud of, but at this point warranted I think) and nearly every week day for the past fortnight has history starting at 9 - 10 am, googling world of warcraft related stuff. The other days the browser history start at 2 pm or so, so she may have gone to work that morning but who knows.

On an unrelated note, I really try and look after myself, eat well, go to the gym all the time. Her weight has ballooned pretty much since we moved in together, she constantly eats crap in front of the computer, she pays for a gym membership (and partially justified buying a brand new car by saying she could use it to get to the gym) I've spent thousands built a gym in our garage including a concept 2 rower that she said she really wanted (but I've gotten a bunch of use out of, so that's a bonus) but none of it has made any difference. I really think that her weight is making her depression worse, and I can't seem to get her to break out of this downward spiral she is on. I've tried the kid gloves approach, I've tried the leading by example approach, I've tried being frank, hell, I've tried being harsh. Writing all of this down now makes the decisions that I've made in the past to stay in this relationship seem insane. The rest of my life is going great, I get rave performance reviews at work,my studies are going well, but I'm at my wits end with this relationship, I feel like I can't trust a word she says any more. I'm sorry for this wall of text, and if no-one reads it or responds that's fine, it's been cathartic to write all of this out.
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Might post more later. But run. You are doing her and you no favours at all
End it gracefully or else run
 
I do lean towards those who say run but I wonder how much professional help has been had? Knowing all these issues has any visits to counsellors and psychs been organised? Or have you been trying to manage it in your own way? Not judging just asking a Q before I say get out of it it isnt healthy for you :)
 
Hawker_85 said:
She's seen psychs by herself, I've gone with her to psychs, I've gone with her to couples counseling, she's had medication, she's taken herself off it. It's the lying that I can't take any more.
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All good , then for your own health you need to seriously look at moving on. Full credit to you for your efforts :thumbsu:
 
My second cousin got married to his fiancée when they were aged in their early 20s, and they were one of those couples who met and got together when in high school. Everything appeared fine, yet somehow the marriage lasted just 3 months.

I don't think the bride's parents were too happy - the wedding cost about $20,000 - and this was in 1994.
 
Hawker_85 said:
I'm now making six figures

I really try and look after myself, eat well, go to the gym all the time.

I get rave performance reviews at work,my studies are going well,
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Mirin' all of this srs. First of all, I have no idea how she has a job. Secondly why do you keep forgetting your lunch? And lastly if her mental state is contributing to her making these ridiculous choices, wagging work, getting you in debt (a huge breach of trust) then I think she's in way too deep. She needs professional help, and you're on the path to success and unfortunately she seems like she's on the opposite.
 
Hawker_85 said:
I don't really have anywhere else to take this but I need to vent/get an outside opinion. I'm currently engaged, my partner and I have been together for seven years. We met in Canberra, where we were both studying. Things were great while we were in Canberra, we had a lot in common and we loved each other. She told me after a while that she had experienced depression and anxiety in the past and it was something that would come up now and then, but we managed it together when it did.

When we both graduated we ended up getting jobs in Sydney (her home town) so we moved in together in an apartment in the city. I worked out west so I had a fairly long commute each day and I went to the gym religiously after work so I would leave home around 6 am and get home around 7 pm. She was working in the city, only a couple of train stops away from our place. Our daily routine would be that I would get home from work/gym, she would be on the computer playing ******* world of warcraft, more often than not I would cook dinner, we would eat and watch tv or she would continue to play WoW (raiding or whatever, I don't play the game) I would play some xbox, do some of my postgraduate uni work or chores like my laundry (between work uniforms and gym gear I generate a heap of laundry.)

One afternoon while I was at work I got a call from the police asking me if I knew where my partner was. Obviously her employer hadn't heard from her and was concerned enough to make the call to the cops, and they called me as of course if something bad had happened to her then chances were it was her partner that did it. I responded with "well, as far as I am aware she is at work." So of course I flew into a panic because if she wasn't at work I didn't know where she was or if something terrible had happened to her or what. I tried calling her, no answer. I told my boss I had to go because the cops had called me looking for my partner, I got home and she wasn't there. I am frantically calling her at this point, until she finally answers, she had left our apartment because she obviously knew that I would be rushing home and she didn't want to face me. Turns out she had been calling in sick, staying at home because of her mental illness and playing WoW because that made her feel better. I was pretty angry that she had lied to me and that she had let it get to the point that the police had to call me, she apologised and said she wouldn't let it happen again. During this point we also racked up massive credit card debt because she wasn't making any money and she was paying the bills that she was responsible for (I paid the rent so she had the other stuff) with my credit card. I know I should have been paying more attention to my finances, and I'm still paying that debt off, but I'm now making six figures so it's under control.

12 months later, we had moved out west to save me driving so far and she was taking the train to get to work as she worked right next to the station in the city. I dropped home one day because I had forgotten my lunch, the computer is turned on, WoW is playing, but she is nowhere to be seen. I look around the house, turns out she is hiding from me in the spare bedroom because she doesn't want to tell me the truth about what is going on. I considered ending the relationship there. Then work ended up transferring me to Albury Wodonga for two years, she stayed in Sydney so I made the drive to and from home for weekends over that time. Things seemed to get better, probably the time apart made things seem better when we were together. God only knows how much work she skipped during those two years.

I'm now back in Sydney, and recently I just got a gut feel that something was off. I came home at lunch because I forgot to grab my food out of the fridge and she was there, told me that she had called in sick. I've gotten home a few times earlier than expected and she has been there, she gives me some excuse about "leaving work at lunch time" or whatever. I checked her browser history the other day (not a move I'm proud of, but at this point warranted I think) and nearly every week day for the past fortnight has history starting at 9 - 10 am, googling world of warcraft related stuff. The other days the browser history start at 2 pm or so, so she may have gone to work that morning but who knows.

On an unrelated note, I really try and look after myself, eat well, go to the gym all the time. Her weight has ballooned pretty much since we moved in together, she constantly eats crap in front of the computer, she pays for a gym membership (and partially justified buying a brand new car by saying she could use it to get to the gym) I've spent thousands built a gym in our garage including a concept 2 rower that she said she really wanted (but I've gotten a bunch of use out of, so that's a bonus) but none of it has made any difference. I really think that her weight is making her depression worse, and I can't seem to get her to break out of this downward spiral she is on. I've tried the kid gloves approach, I've tried the leading by example approach, I've tried being frank, hell, I've tried being harsh. Writing all of this down now makes the decisions that I've made in the past to stay in this relationship seem insane. The rest of my life is going great, I get rave performance reviews at work,my studies are going well, but I'm at my wits end with this relationship, I feel like I can't trust a word she says any more. I'm sorry for this wall of text, and if no-one reads it or responds that's fine, it's been cathartic to write all of this out.
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Sounds like a really hard situation mate. I'm with GreyCrow in so far as your number 1 priority should be you & your health IMO. After all, at the end of the day you are the only real constant in your life right? Your health is paramount. Please ensure you are speaking about this to people you trust. Or get professional listeners (counsellours etc).

Speaking from her point of view, having been in a similar situation, I can certainly see where her mental & physical health can make it seem like mission impossible. You feel like you've done everything & she just ignores/doesn't care. If it's the same as my history then she probably does care & can see it happening & knows it's bad/wrong... but she can't show she cares or feel it properly now. She feels stuck. Trapped. Unable & likely unwilling to change because of her mental illness. Her heart & head aren't working like she wants.

Then again, perhaps she genuinely dpesn't want to change. Mental illness or not. I'm no professional. It's so important for her to accept help. It's the hardest but most important step. That first step.

Ultimately without the right kind of intervention & help, you leaving could be the only way she will be pushed to that decision point (or "realisation moment") where she decides to keep going, possibly get worse or get help & get better/start to manage her illness.

I wish you all the best of a horrible situation mate. Try to stay open & as positive as you can. Grieve if you need to. Don't sacrifice or forgo maintaining & strengthening your health (physical, emotional, financial, mental) in the process. It's as much about you as "us" or "her".

Good luck.
 
Hawker_85 said:
Hey guys, thanks for the feedback, made me feel better, I've been in this situation for so long now I sometimes feel like I've forgotten what normal behaviour is like. On a good note I got my annual performance review today, highest possible rating in most categories, absolutely glowing report. On the downside, I've gotten home from the gym, showered, eaten my planned and measured dinner (500ml milk, scoop of protein powder, banana, 1 and 2/3 tbspn peanut butter), done the dishes, put my laundry on, written 300 words of my latest uni assignment. She has played world of warcraft and now gone on a maccas run. If her grandmother (who she has been extremely close to all her life) wasn't about to fall off the perch (I've visited her in hospital, legit riddled with cancer and now advancing Alzheimer's) there would be a pretty one way discussion happening right now. Anyway, I won't keep coming in here and bleating because that will get old, but it just struck me how perfectly today's events summed up what has been happening with my life.
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Feel free to keep coming in here & bleating if it helps mate. That's what this place is for!

Btw, you can keep the whole measuring 2/3 tbspn of peanut butter stuff! :p
 

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Hawker_85 said:
I dunno mate, maybe its a subconscious thing to give me an excuse to go home at lunch time and see if she's there. Or maybe I'm not getting enough sleep and I'm a bit out of it when I leave the house sometimes.
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Or maybe you just forgot your lunch. I do it all the time. It might not be anything that deep at all.
 
lion around said:
I'm early 50s and will be doing the same. I was married years ago and it only lasted a couple of years. I lost a long term job and a week later i came home to find the house empty and the other half gone. It was gut wrenching at the time, but i must say it was the best thing she could of done. That was about twenty five years ago and nowadays i couldn't be more happier. I have bought and paid off a couple of properties and have a share in one now. Got some good coin in the bank and looking at semi retirement at 60.
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I know you say this is/was a good thing, but jesus christ I'd be beyond gutted if someone did that to me. What a s**t thing to do to another human.

Another thing that is apparently popular is going "nc" on someone they may be dating. Just so shitty. People are ****ing shitty.
 
Shell said:
I know you say this is/was a good thing, but jesus christ I'd be beyond gutted if someone did that to me. What a s**t thing to do to another human.

Another thing that is apparently popular is going "nc" on someone they may be dating. Just so shitty. People are ****ing shitty.
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Help an old guy out , what is 'nc'
 
Shell said:
I know you say this is/was a good thing, but jesus christ I'd be beyond gutted if someone did that to me. What a s**t thing to do to another human.

Another thing that is apparently popular is going "nc" on someone they may be dating. Just so shitty. People are ****ing shitty.
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Yep. Nc ( no contact) or ghosting is the worst. Just tell someone. Goes for dudes and dudettes.
 
Thats why I said "people" Billy. Not guys ;)

God i remember a time when breaking up via text was considered terrible. Or phone. Now its just "nup dont wanna see you again, stop talking and calling you". ****ing shithouse hope there's karma out there for these types..
 
Shell said:
No, its means not breaking up at all. Just dropping off the face of the planet and never talking to them again.
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Cheers. Isnt that more a symptom of the connectedness/isolation we have chosen? If you havent heard from someone how about visit their house? They could be lying there with a broken leg etc.

Not saying what you described doesnt happen , but I see that more in the initial online stages.
 
GreyCrow said:
Cheers. Isnt that more a symptom of the connectedness/isolation we have chosen?.
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Probably. Or we have just become a whole bunch of campaigners who arent decent enough to break up with someone.


FWIW- my ex and I broke up over text. Before anyone goes OMFG YOU DID IT OVER TEXT AFTER 3.5 YEARS!!... trust me it did feel okay. And we had broken up once before 6 months prior face to face. The break up was inevitable and we both knew it.
 
Shell said:
I know you say this is/was a good thing, but jesus christ I'd be beyond gutted if someone did that to me. What a s**t thing to do to another human.

Another thing that is apparently popular is going "nc" on someone they may be dating. Just so shitty. People are ****ing shitty.
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Mate i know what the human race is capable of. I was molested by not one but two men over a 12 month period when i was 4 years of age. And i grew up with epilepsy so going to school i was daily told what a ******* *ed Kent i was. when i was going through puberty i had grand mal fits daily. And sometimes lost money out of my pockets which they took.
I am lucky to have good people around me at Fitzroy football club. A lot of them know me there and we stand round the goals and chat of old times. You just have to keep on punching. And build up a bullet proof personalty or you can pretty easily get eaten up in this world its made me a little hard but hey that's life.
 
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