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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother':eek:
 

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My mate's shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how do u tell them apart? He said thats easy. Sallys got massive **** and a nice shaved fanny and Dereks got a moustache and big hairy bollocks :eek:
 
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a lifejacket. But as I told everyone. "Its what he would have wanted"
 
The wife said "You never do anything around the house!"
So today I planted two gum trees 14ft apart in the garden
She asked "what are you doing ?"
I replied "starting work on my new hammock"
 
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The Lone Ranger is captured by redskins, then taken back to the camp.

The chief says, we have heard of you honorable white warrior, so shall allow you one request a day as we will kill you in three days time.
The Ranger says, let me talk so my horse which the chief allows. He whistles, and Silver comes to him. He proceeds to whisper into Silver's ear, then the horse runs off at speed.

Two hours later Silver returns with a stunning blond on his back. She dismounts, then enters the Ranger's tent where she stays for the night.

The following morning the chief enters the tent after the woman has left. "We shall still kill you in two days, so make today's request."

Again the Ranger asks to see his horse, and same as before he whispers onto Silver's ear, and the horse runs off, later to return with a beautiful brunette who dismounts, and enters the Rangers tent for the night.

The following morning the chief comes to see the Ranger. Tomorrow we kill you, make today's request.
"I want to talk to Silver alone!

The chief agrees, and has the Ranger tied to a tree just outside the camp to stop him escaping, and where he can still be seen.

Silver approached the tree, and the Ranger says..."Listen you stupid nag...I said fetch posse"
 
A woman is walking down the street and sees a sign in the pet shop window reading "FANNY LICKING FROG $25".

Curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shopkeeper "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog".

The shopkeeper replied "Bonjour!"
 
A man has gon missin after eatin a Vindaloo. A jar of Gerhkins. And a can of baked beans.

At an emotional press conference his wife has begged him,

Not to come home for a fortnite.
 
I went to bingo for the first time last night.
I got 2 fat ladies.

Worst 3some i ever had.
 

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Some bloke in the pub just called my Missus a pig . I said, "Don't listen to him, Babe!"
 
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.
 
My boss has said that i treat my work like a holiday camp.
He wants to see me in the office at 3.

Thats gonna be difficult as im hosting the knobbly knees competition then.
 
The missus just came home from ladys day at the golf club. She was crying.

She said ...

"I got stung by a wasp playin golf"

I said "where"

She said "Between the 1st & 2nd hole"

I said. " Well dont have ur legs so wide apart when u tee off "
 
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Mary had a little skirt, With slits right up the sides, And every time she crossed her legs, The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt, With a slit right up the front....She never wore that one.
 
My mate's wife said "Is it ok for Mother to come down for the weekend?"

The mate replied "I thought she liked it up in the attic!"
 
Police : Why didn't you report your stolen credit card earlier?
Man : The thief was spending less than my wife!

Police : Then why are you reporting it now?
Man : I think the thief's wife has started using it!!..
 
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It is opened by a little Twelve year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your Mum or Dad home ?"

Little boy: "What do you reckon?"
 
Started reading Harry Potter but i think its a bit far fetched. I can buy the fact that magic exists & that there could be such things as unicorns & wizards

But a ginger kid with 2 mates? * off!
 
This couple had their first shower together today. She could see he was a little nervous so she said “Relax, just do what you normally do.”

So he had a piss.
 
Paddy's been sat at the bar for three hours now, trying to figure out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three.
 
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