Lame Jokes Part 2

[Damp Squarie]

Definition: Nurse
noun (ner ss)
The first person you see upon awakening after saying: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

 

[Double the Fist]

What do you call an Italian man with a fully sick convertible?

Carlo.

What do you call a Mexican who cannot find his car?


Carlos

 

[worbod]

Why did the Greek rugby player dislike it whenever a scrum broke up?

He hated leaving his teammate's behind.

 

[Damp Squarie]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk but, whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

 

[Mofra]

Why did the Greek rugby player dislike it whenever a scrum broke up?

He hated leaving his teammate's behind.

How did the Greeks win the war?

Surprise attack from the front.

 

[GreyCrow]

I was addicted to eggs

I beat it

I watched a talent show last night, Had a dozen acts. The winner sang the Michael Jackson classic Beat It

Show was called Eggs-Factor

 

[worbod]

A beautiful woman came up to me on the beach and complained that her bikini top was itchy.
I was glad she got that off her chest.

 

[worbod]

I have just written a novel about urine. It should become a number one best seller.

 

[Mofra]

I have just written a novel about urine. It should become a number one best seller.

Now you're just taking the piss

 

[Damp Squarie]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits into the cannon.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What's a cold drink's favourite exercise?

Slurpees.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

 

[Damp Squarie]

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah and Mohammed, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?

 

[worbod]

I will be giving away some dead batteries tomorrow. They're free of charge.

 

[GreyCrow]

I've got some more egg jokes. They'll crack you up.

Anyway I'm also giving eggs away, free, ranging from large to small.

My GF Shell will hand them out. We won't be beaten for price.

 

[Duritz]

I've got some more egg jokes. They'll crack you up.

Anyway I'm also giving eggs away, free, ranging from large to small.

My GF Shell will hand them out. We won't be beaten for price.

Your brain is scrambled Benedict.

 

[Wallaby]

Can we stop cracking these terrible yolks. They're rather fowl.

 

[roscreasl98]

Can we stop cracking these terrible yolks. They're rather fowl.

You didn't poach this yolk from someone else did you.....

 

[worbod]

I have a fear of speed humps. I'm slowly getting over it.

 

[Wallaby]

I used to have kleptomania, but I'm OK provided I regularly take something for it.........

 

[GreyCrow]

I used to have kleptomania, but I'm OK provided I regularly take something for it.........

So did I, went to the doctor, now I write my own scripts

 

[Mofra]

I used to have kleptomania, but I'm OK provided I regularly take something for it.........

You stole that joke

 

[worbod]

I went canoeing with a friend the other day. When I met him at the riverside I noticed there were two paddles. I asked my friend, "Would you like me to use the wooden one or the synthetic one?"
He replied, "Either oar."

 

[roscreasl98]

So did I, went to the doctor, now I write my own scripts

Bloke walks into his doctors office.

" Sit down mate" said the doctor.
" Got some good news, and some bad news".

" Whats the bad news doc?" said the patient.

" Well, you have inoperable cancer, and only 2 weeks to live" the doctor said.

"What's the good news then?" asked the patient.

" Well", said the doctor.

" I've got this new secretary, and she is a great root".

 

[Wallaby]

"So, doc - what's the verdict?"

"Not real good, I'm afraid - you have cancer, varicose veins and Alzheimers".

"Oh, well - could be worse. I mean, I could have cancer".