Lame Jokes Part 2

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RedmanWasHere said:
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How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it
 

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Dear Sir,

Thank you for nominating your ex-wife for our exciting new reality quiz-based program. I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in many of the show's contestants.
However, I should just point out, the proposed title for the program is actually 'Fact Hunt'.
In light of this, please confirm whether we should proceed and contact the lady in question for an audition.

Your's sincerely,
Hugh Jorgan
Channel 10 Talent Identification.
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "o_O
 
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem,

so, she asked anyone who thought they were not so clever to stand up.

One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised.

She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him,

“Why did you stand up?”

He answered,

“I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
 

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When I went to work last Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on a bet with a mate. I put my foot through the television."


Not all that funny, but then again, it is a LAME joke.
 
Paddy buys a bathtub, gets it home and after trying it, he decides he's not happy with it and takes it back.
He storms into the vendor in a rage and says he wants to return the bathtub because it doesn't hold any water!
The vendor says "Did you put the plug in?"
Paddy says "I didn't realise it run on electricity...":huh:
 
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