Lame Jokes Part 2
- Thread starter Hard Ball Get
- Start date
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What's a Hindu?
Lays eggs, bro.
A lion walks into a pub and says, "I'll have a gin and .................... tonic."
"Sure thing, but why the big pause?"
"Because I am a lion, you idiot."
An atheist, a vegan, and a feminist walk into a bar. I know this because they told everyone within about eleven seconds.
Lays eggs, bro.
A lion walks into a pub and says, "I'll have a gin and .................... tonic."
"Sure thing, but why the big pause?"
"Because I am a lion, you idiot."
An atheist, a vegan, and a feminist walk into a bar. I know this because they told everyone within about eleven seconds.
I went to Fight Club for the first time the other night. I was slightly late, so I missed the intro for new attendees.
I had a great time! It was a lot of fun, I met a lot of really nice people (some were a bit rowdy
), you should all give it a go - I can give you contact details if you want.
I had a great time! It was a lot of fun, I met a lot of really nice people (some were a bit rowdy
), you should all give it a go - I can give you contact details if you want.
Due to university funding cuts, the geology department had to let some people go including their metamorphic rock expert. No more mister gneiss guy.
A wild turkey walks into a bar, and the bartender says "hey, did you know we've got a drink named after you?"
"Really?! Cool, pour me a Dennis then."
A wild turkey walks into a bar, and the bartender says "hey, did you know we've got a drink named after you?"
"Really?! Cool, pour me a Dennis then."
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
- Aug 23, 2010
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From Dad Jokes Australia.
I have a pet tree.
it’s kinda like having a pet Dog, but the bark is quieter.
I have a pet tree.
it’s kinda like having a pet Dog, but the bark is quieter.
"I manufacture tabletops for retail businesses," said Johnno counterproductively.
"I can't figure out why my boyfriend won't do as I tell him," said Sally, mystified.
"Your Honour, you're nuts!" said the accused, judgmentally.
"Take that prisoner downstairs," said the warden, condescendingly.
"I broke up with Sally because she kept bossing me around," said Greg dismissively.
"Blow out the candles!" said Betty delightedly.
"I can't figure out why my boyfriend won't do as I tell him," said Sally, mystified.
"Your Honour, you're nuts!" said the accused, judgmentally.
"Take that prisoner downstairs," said the warden, condescendingly.
"I broke up with Sally because she kept bossing me around," said Greg dismissively.
"Blow out the candles!" said Betty delightedly.
GreyCrow
TheBrownDog
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You picked that up real quick said Tom Swiftly
- Banned
- #5,312
A building contractor hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.
He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs.
The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand.
The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck.
The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck.
So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells,
He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs.
The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand.
The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck.
The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck.
So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells,
"SUPPLIES!"
PickledSaint
Debutant
- Apr 7, 2018
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I've got a dog with no legs.
I call him cigarette, because every day I take him outside for a drag.
I call him cigarette, because every day I take him outside for a drag.
Two antennas were recently married - apparently the ceremony was crap but the reception was unbelievable...............
- Banned
- #5,316
An art collector is walking through the the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a pet store.
He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for $10.
The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”
The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you $50 for that cat.” And the pet shop owner says “Sold...”
The collector says “Hey, for another $10 could you throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used it and it’ll save me from having to get a new one "
And the owner says, “Sorry pal but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold 68 cats...
He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for $10.
The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”
The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you $50 for that cat.” And the pet shop owner says “Sold...”
The collector says “Hey, for another $10 could you throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used it and it’ll save me from having to get a new one "
And the owner says, “Sorry pal but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold 68 cats...
Absolute belter that.
- Banned
- #5,320
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
When this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You're kind’a cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "Good, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re seventy...............who GAF?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her ****.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a knee in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares? ??
When this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You're kind’a cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "Good, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re seventy...............who GAF?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her ****.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a knee in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares? ??
- Banned
- #5,322
I started a band called 999 Megabytes...
We still haven't gotten a Gig...!
We still haven't gotten a Gig...!
Game of Thrones is generally pretty exciting, but I find the Lannister subplots relatively boring.
GreyCrow
TheBrownDog
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Neil Diamond just bought a new phone
SamSung Blue
SamSung Blue
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- #5,325
Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten decided to head bush to shore up support for the coming by-elections, so both went shopping, purchasing Akubra hats, Drys-a-bones, moleskin trousers and RM Williams boots and just to top off the look, they went to the Canberra dog pound and bought an old blue healer, loaded up the bus and headed west.
After several hours on the road, they pulled into a little bush pub just outside of Dubbo and ordered two middies.
Within minutes, an old farmer came in, went straight up to the blue healer, lifted up his tail, shook his head and left.
A couple of minutes later a retired shearer entered the bar, went straight up to the blue healer, lifted up his tail, shook his head and left.
This went on for a few hours until it finally got the better of Malcolm and he called the barman over and said, “What’s with everybody coming in, lifting the dog's tail, shaking their heads and then leaving without saying a word..?”
“She’ll be right mate, it’s just the bush telegraph,” the barman replied, “there’s a rumour in town that there’s a blue healer in my pub with two arseholes...!”
After several hours on the road, they pulled into a little bush pub just outside of Dubbo and ordered two middies.
Within minutes, an old farmer came in, went straight up to the blue healer, lifted up his tail, shook his head and left.
A couple of minutes later a retired shearer entered the bar, went straight up to the blue healer, lifted up his tail, shook his head and left.
This went on for a few hours until it finally got the better of Malcolm and he called the barman over and said, “What’s with everybody coming in, lifting the dog's tail, shaking their heads and then leaving without saying a word..?”
“She’ll be right mate, it’s just the bush telegraph,” the barman replied, “there’s a rumour in town that there’s a blue healer in my pub with two arseholes...!
”