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May 20, 2001
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
 
May 20, 2001
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
A London Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.


The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The Solicitor looked down in horror. "Far king hell !" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex ????"
 

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Feb 24, 2013
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The GoldenBrown Heart of Victoria
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Last edited:
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'"

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter, Slim and Tall, 40 D Breasts, 24" Waist and 34" Hips; when she walks into a room, people say, Jesus!
 
Apr 2, 2013
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Collingwood
A woman is heavily heavily pregnant and finally the big day arrives. She goes into labour and her nervous husband is pacing the corridors, when he spots an orderly casually walking past with an earphone in his ear listening to the cricket. Thinking he is a member of the delivery team with a communications device he asks how things are looking.......................

Shaking his head the orderly says 6 out already and the last 2 were ducks..................

The husband fainted.
 
May 20, 2001
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Kufa, Iraq
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.:drunk:'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
 

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May 20, 2001
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
So me mate Bob was doing a bit of welding the other day and while he was grinding it back to a clean finish, a piece of metal filing flew up and hit him right in the eyeball.
Yep, he should have been wearing his goggles.
His eye stung like hell and he couldn’t see properly out of it so he hauls himself to the A & E for a Doctor to look at it.
The Doc shines his little torch into it and says “Ahh, I see the problem. You’ve got Cardinal Pell syndrome.”
“Cardinal Pell syndrome, what’s that?” asks Bob.
The Doc replies “You’ve just ****ed one of your pupils”.
 
An Irishman is in court for assault. The judge says, "How do you plead - guilty or not guilty?"

The defendant replies, "I don't know - I haven't heard the evidence yet." :)

After both sides have submitted all their evidence, and the jury has returned a guilty verdict, the judge says, "Will the defendant please stand?" (the Irishman gets to his feet)

The judge continues, "I hereby sentence you to 1 year in prison, and a 500 pound fine."

Incensed, the defence lawyer says, "Your honour - I DEMAND that you reverse this unjust sentence immediately!!!!"

Smiling, the judge says, "OK: let's make it 500 years in prison, and a 1 pound fine."
 
May 20, 2001
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Kufa, Iraq
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

“There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
:mad:
 
Oct 16, 2011
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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill, but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand-new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand-new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
 

raskolnikov

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Apr 1, 2002
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Cap Coast
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Gold Coast Suns
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I hear the government is going to make Viagra free for all men over 65

I think its meant to be a stimulus package
Stops them rolling out of bed
 

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