Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only
- Thread starter Damp Squarie
- Start date
- Tagged users None
- Feb 24, 2013
- 45,365
- 37,740
- AFL Club
- Hawthorn
- Other Teams
- Man Utd Green Bay Melb Storm
- Banned
- #2,579
Not always. Does this put your mind at ease?
What do you call a Frenchman wearing thongs?
Phillipe Phillop
A man received this following text from his neighbour...
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in...
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife."
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in...
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife."
GreyCrow
TheBrownDog
- Mar 21, 2016
- 74,288
- 117,756
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
- Other Teams
- Sturt, White Sox
You've made me very jolly Roger
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,337
- 38,059
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
Some LGBT bloke came up to me earlier protesting that parents shouldn't be allowed to choose their babys gender.
"No point telling me, pal" I said, "my child is fluid."
"Brilliant" he smiled, "so you're going to let it choose their gender for themselves?"
"No, I mean it was miscarried." I replied.
"No point telling me, pal" I said, "my child is fluid."
"Brilliant" he smiled, "so you're going to let it choose their gender for themselves?"
"No, I mean it was miscarried." I replied.
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,337
- 38,059
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
My granddad died a few weeks after my grandma passed away.
At first, we thought he died of a broken heart but it turned out he couldn't cook.
At first, we thought he died of a broken heart but it turned out he couldn't cook.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve.
one to blame men for the darkness,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest that the whole "screwing" part is a bit too rapey,
one to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic,
one to write journal articles that the notion of women being unable to see in the dark is just a social construct promoted by the Patriarchy,
one to blame men for not changing the light bulb themselves,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women have to change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with trained electricians,
one to actually change it,
and one to crow to the media that women are now "out lightbulbing" men.
Twelve.
one to blame men for the darkness,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest that the whole "screwing" part is a bit too rapey,
one to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic,
one to write journal articles that the notion of women being unable to see in the dark is just a social construct promoted by the Patriarchy,
one to blame men for not changing the light bulb themselves,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women have to change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with trained electricians,
one to actually change it,
and one to crow to the media that women are now "out lightbulbing" men.
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #2,588
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said,
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said,
"Yeah, well... You started it..."
GreyCrow
TheBrownDog
- Mar 21, 2016
- 74,288
- 117,756
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
- Other Teams
- Sturt, White Sox
I've just bought a Delorean
But I figure I will only drive it from time to time
But I figure I will only drive it from time to time
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,337
- 38,059
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
I was showing my doctor the rash on my penis today.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,337
- 38,059
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Turns out the parents of that cerebral palsy kid on my street strongly disagree.
Turns out the parents of that cerebral palsy kid on my street strongly disagree.
I cried because my Dad was chopping up onions. i miss Onions. She was a good cat.
- Jul 31, 2012
- 5,419
- 8,498
- AFL Club
- Hawthorn
- Other Teams
- Everton, Chiefs Kingdom
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot.
Oscillate its tit a lot.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare!
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare!
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,337
- 38,059
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
Got some great news today!
My doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often!!!
Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...
My doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often!!!
Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,337
- 38,059
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour.
On my last two dates, both women sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.
Not sure of the brand, but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
On my last two dates, both women sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.
Not sure of the brand, but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,337
- 38,059
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.
So far, I've fed him three of the campaigners.
So far, I've fed him three of the campaigners.
My doctor told me 'You have to stop masturbating now'.
I asked 'Why'?
He replied 'Because I'm trying to examine you'.
(By the way - that joke received recognition from the Queen - because it has just turned 100 years old).
