Round 2022 SC Round 16 - Of Monsters and (burn)Men

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Loose at HB

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Many thanks kenties for the all of the love. I apologise for not writing too many of these this season - work has been pretty hectic (not just busy-ness but from a career progression POV this year) and I am a bit of a perfectionist in the sense that I won't write something unless I feel I have enough time to meet a certain standard. The moment I start trying to rush these out is the moment I feel I'm doing both myself and you splendid kents a disservice.

Will try and squeeze out another one before season's out :moustache:
 

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Duckworthy

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Outstanding mate. Bloody Outstanding. Bravo. Loose at HB
The important question here is how does WaynesWorld19 rate it? It's a difficult question given it's sensitivity.
Wayne with so many weeks opening the round thread in the absence of others (well done), and then there's a one week wonder ( :D ) blowing in and unloading with all the pent up frustration so many of us have already penned
 

WaynesWorld19

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🇦🇺 🇦🇺 🇦🇺 West Adelaide
The important question here is how does WaynesWorld19 rate it? It's a difficult question given it's sensitivity.
Wayne with so many weeks opening the round thread in the absence of others (well done), and then there's a one week wonder ( :D ) blowing in and unloading with all the pent up frustration so many of us have already penned
With practice .... Loose at HB could be the Cameron to my Grundy :moustache:

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Bjchan13

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2022 is a bit ****ed isn’t it campaigners.

Sometimes it feels like we say this every year, but it really does feel like this year has turned the bullshit up to 11. More third game rookie failures than you can poke a stick at, no ruckmen left, burnmen as far as the eye can see.

As a matter of fact, the burnmen are probably the only “normal” component of SuperCoach in 2022. Our game is one of tradition – since the heady days of the Rockpig many players have been plastered with the label of “burnman”, a label harder to shake than Ryan Crowley on a shitty winter’s night in Perth. Yet it would be a mistake to label all burnmen as one – not all burnmen are created equal.



So what exactly makes a burnman? Every player gets injured, every player is capable of being suspended (RIP Tom Stewart… campaigner), every player is at the mercy of those campaigners we call AFL coaches. Yet, to become a burnman, once must display 4 key traits:

1) A predisposition to one of the above – frequent injuries, frequent suspensions, frequently dropped

2) A sexy, tantalising scoring history, usually with very high highs and very low lows

3) Frequently being “underpriced” – either due to said injuries or low scores

4) The ability to cause multiple BF posters to melt in spectacular fashion when traits 1) or 2) end up rearing their ugly heads (this is by far the most important)




When one suffers the wrath of a burnman, the response can be visceral. Emotional. Occasionally without reason. Almost like the end of a relationship :moustache:. So, what better way to differentiate the types of burnmen in a way only the scorned lovers of the BF SC board would understand.


THE FIRST LOVE – How many times have you heard the phrase “this time will be different?”. You’ve broken up with this burnman 5 times already, but the points and the way they make you feel are just too much to resist. Even when they get injured or suspended again, you just can’t help yourself. You keep going back. Who could resist Toby Greene when he bottoms out at 350k for the 5th year in a row??? Lachie Whitfield has DPP again this year, he'll go 110 if he stays fit… right? Guys?

THE TEASE – You all know this one. You look on longingly while this player gets ferocious amounts of lipstick service from the CD nerds and flies up in price. You see that stat line – 10 touches, 1 goal 1, 110 SC points. You know the hot streak is only going to last 6 weeks before something goes wrong. But all of the thrill is in the chase and the trade. You bring them in, and all of a sudden those traits that were so attractive in the first place immediately disappear. You wish you could trade them out again but you already know the moment you do, the lipstick’s coming back and you’ll be sucked in again. Looks aren’t everything, Isaac… I know that now. You too, Josh and Dayne. ****ing w***ers.


View attachment 1435631
It does nothing for me anymore. **** off campaigner


THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – Probably the most uncommon variety of burnman, this player is one who finds a home in your team from the start of the year. Who knows what you see in them – we all know your judgement isn’t great. You hold them for the first 10 rounds of the year while they average 85 and you sit around wondering why the **** you bother. The byes come round and decide to let them down gently – it’s not you, it’s me kind of thing. You act upset but in reality you’re relieved to be finally f***ing rid of them… unless you have a look on SuperCoachgram in a couple of weeks and they’ve glowed up proper and started averaging 115. Good things come to those who wait…


THE COMMITMENTOPHOBE – One that I feel like a good chunk of the SC board will relate to this year. You’ve just met this premo – they haven’t really been at the forefront of your mind in recent years but after a strong pre-season it was love at first KOTD ton. The honeymoon period goes well, they average 120 for the first 6 weeks or so before something happens and they go cold. You can’t let go – you’re only just learning where this could head! You hold on and things get better, but your trust is gone and predictably you get hurt again a few weeks later. Should have cut your losses at the first time of asking :moustache:

View attachment 1435632
The Stick Insect’s brief flirtation with SPdom… and our hearts

The best part of all of this? We all know we’re ready to get hurt again at the first time of asking… there’s always a new burnman around the corner. Onto the games :moustache:


BRISBANE vs WESTERN BULLDOGS
The first game of the round begins with a few of the most KOTD specimens known to man. Lachie Neale barely played a quarter in a 70 point loss last week and still ended up with 110, which should mean we’re all chucking the VC on him tomorrow night presuming he actually turns up after QT. Daniel Rich has returned to some supreme gulling form in the past month after a somewhat subdued start to the year and presents good value for Tom Stewart owners at 543k, while burnman captain extraordinaire Dayne Zorko is on track to return against the Dogs from a hamstring injury. Knowing the prick, he’s just as likely to average 120 for the rest of the year as he is to get 40 on Thursday night and re-injure the same ****ing leg.

In the Blue corner, the KOTD flag will be blown by none other than Marcus KOTDempelli himself who boasts a record of only 2 scores under the ton all season. He’ll be ably supported by midfield stalwarts Josh Dunkley and Jack Macrae, although Macrae’s second half fadeouts of late have resulted in his usual perma-captain credentials being questioned. Tim English will miss again, while Tom Liberatore and Bailey Dale continue to post premo-quality scores on their respective lines. Both still represent reasonable value and the POD factor to boot.

View attachment 1435634
A battle for the ages… the master vs the apprentice of KOTD


CARLTON vs ST. KILDA
If you want Sam Walsh, it’s now or never. The SP stud has a season average of 115 and turned in his best performance of the season last week with 138, if not his season high score. At 579k and a BE of 80, he could shape as a valuable and reliable POD for the run home. By contrast, skipper Patrick Cripps has dropped off starkly from his early season ridiculousness with 4 of his last 6 scores being under the ton. George Hewett still has only one score under 100 for the year while the Blues’ half backs continue to feast, Sam Docherty with a healthy average of 111 for the season which has been matched by his counterpart Adam Saad over the last 5 rounds.

Jack Sinclair had the unfortunate inconvenience of an opposition player actually acknowledging his existence last week, resulting in a season low 79. Jack Steele returned from an AC joint injury to post 115 and is projected to bottom out at a very juicy 545k next week, while Jade Gresham’s ball use continues to preclude him from entering the echelon of super premos. Mitch Owens, just about the only St. Kilda player without a first name starting with J, is a name many coaches will be hoping to see named on Friday following a pair of rather dire St. Kilda efforts since his concussion.


ESSENDON vs SYDNEY
Darcy Parish crushed many a SuperCoach soul following his calf injury 2 weeks ago but will hopefully return this week, likely improving Zach Merrett’s scoring at the same time as the pack skirting kent will have his main man back to win the pill for him. The Jordan Ridley rollercoaster continues but it would be one I would be pretty keen to jump off, while all eyes will be on rookie saviour Massimo D’Ambrosio to provide coaches with some hope amongst the abyss of dead defence rookies this season. He’s only 102k but there is talk he may not hold his spot.

Isaac. ****ing. Heeney. How could I ever start talking about Sydney without talking about this flog. As the season has gone on the great white myth of “Heeney will play midfield!!!” has again proven itself to be just that, and with 6 of his last 7 scores being under the ton (3 of them 75 or less) the Peen has well and truly reverted to type. Steer clear if your team isn’t already cursed by his presence.

Outside of the Peen, Callum Mills broke a streak of 5 consecutive tons with an underwhelming 86 while Luke Parker was also similarly disappointing. It seemed that it was only the Swans’ seagulls that were able to dine out last weekend – OG Filthy Gull Jake Lloyd rebounded from a diabolical game against Port to post by far his best score of year and at the same time provide a fantastic exhibit of premium gulling for his protégé Nick Blakey, who boasts 5 tons in his last 6 and shapes as a likely starting pick next season. I guess you can’t keep a good Gull down..

View attachment 1435635
Dread it. Run from it. He is inevitable


ADELAIDE vs MELBOURNE
Tom Stewart owners everywhere will be hoping that the collective weight of their Chols doesn’t break Jordan Dawson this week. His last 7 scores are all over the fabled 100 mark and he shapes as the most popular trade in for Stewart, especially considering his relatively low ownership at 13%. Dawson’s streak of tons pales in comparison to midfield seagull Rory Laird, who is rocking 11 (!!) consecutive tons and only once in that run has he dropped below 110. He’s beyond reach for most given his lowest price for the year was 624k… but I suppose you could pick Ben Keays instead, who himself has only dropped under the ton twice all season however with both of them occurring in his last 5 outings.

Clayton Oliver may break the record this week for overall percentage of SCers with the C on him. Clarry simply feasts on the Crows – his last 2 efforts against them have both been over 200 and with a 5 round average of 140, it’s hard to see how any self-respecting coach ignores him for C or VC this week. By contrast, Christian Petracca hasn’t gone over the ton in 4 weeks and seems to have forgotten that the game is actually called “football” recently, such is the dire nature of his kicking. Angus Brayshaw has 4 tons in a row and has some value as a 530k DEF with DPP, while Luke Jackson repaid the faith for those who took the punt last week with a massive 122 in the absence of Max Gawn. The Bearded One does look large on the horizon however, with an expected return next week.


GEELONG vs NORTH MELBOURNE
There are many ways to go out. Some choose a first quarter injury and dump a 20 on field. Some play all 4 quarters and still dump a 20 on field. Then there are others that poleaxe the opposition’s best (only) midfielder, drop a 160 then ride off for an early end of season trip. Tommy Stewart has been a force of nature this season but will deservedly miss the next month and hence will need to be traded. Vale… you absolute ****ing campaigner, don’t you realise some of us flogs only have 3 trades left??? Thanks for committing me to keeping my spud M5-M8 campaigner

View attachment 1435641
You little mongrel

Outside of that, Cam Guthrie has been a pretty inspired trade for those who took the punt, while Jeremy Cameron has been pretty consistent by key forward standards with each of his last 5 scores being over 90. I’ll save a special shout out here for Sam De Koning, who posted the first ton of his career last week despite about ¾ of us trading him out instead of Paddy McCartin. Cheers campaigner.

There are only 2 reasons you should be looking at North Melbourne – Aaron Hall, who has returned to peak seagulling form with a huge 153 last week, and Todd Goldstein who has wound the clock back something chronic following an initial injury to Tristan Xerri back in Round 6. Hall in particular isn’t going to get any cheaper at 508k and if you’re willing to risk his hammies going ping in PF week, it’s time.


GOLD COAST vs COLLINGWOOD
I just want to talk about Jarrod Witts for a moment. This is a bloke who has averaged over 95 for a season once in his life. Never over 100. He’s just come back from an ACL. Yet here we are with this beanpole campaigner averaging 118, including 148 last week because Ken Hinkley decided yet again that he’s a bit too clever for this coaching caper. Why on earth do you need a ruck against a 7 foot beanpole who’s been taking the piss all season? I digress..

Touk Miller is the only other Sun with any real relevance and is on the receiving end of a lot of melts for a bloke averaging 115. Calm down campaigners and have a look at his fixture to end the year – Eagles in QF week, Hawks SF week, North GF week.

If you had told me at the start of 2022 that Darcy Cameron would have a 5 round average firmly in SP territory, I would have asked you to pass the pipe. The only thing wrong with Cameron’s average is that it is cruelly not high enough, after the CD dogs reamed him despite a best on ground performance against the Giants. Jack Crisp has been a beacon of consistency all season and is good value for non-owners at 533k, while those who held onto phenom Nick Daicos would be absolutely stoked with his last 3 weeks. As for Jordan de Goey… just don’t do it. Kmart Dusty should return from personal leave this week but for his long suffering owners and prospective buyers, he only has 1 ton in his last 8 starts. Avoid.


Darcy Cameron to Brodie Grundy when he attempts to reclaim the first ruck position

RICHMOND vs WEST COAST
I’m not quite sure what has happened to Toby Nankervis since Round 7, but his scores since then read as follows: 6 tons, 4 of them 120+, and only one score below that mark at 85. With the dearth of ruck options at present outside of arguably the most KOTD season in living memory, the Nank is well and truly in the conversation for one of your ruck positions. Liam Baker is another who has had an inspiring month of form with a 5 round average over 110 and a very friendly role that finds him around the ball more often than not. He’s not quite the value he once was at 493k, but is still worth a look. Nick Vlaustin continues to go up and down like a yo-yo, unlike Jayden Short who recently seems to only know how to go down. 7 tons in his first 8 have been followed by only 2 in his last 6 after Dimma decided to challenge Shorty into doing something he hasn’t done for his entire life – win his own pill. He's worth considering trading sideways if you’re lacking some of the true DEF premos, while I won’t say anything else about Judson Clarke than to say he continued the theme of all 2022 rookies dropping an absolute turd in their third game out.

Nobody should own anyone from West Coast after both Greg Clark and Alex Witherden were dropped – although I suppose Brady Hough exists for those who kept his corpse on the bench for 10 weeks. Nic Naitanui, a man who was ridiculously KOTD before CD decided they had a hard-on for anything over 6 foot 5, is planned to return this week and may actually break the system if CD apply the same love to him on top of his usual. One to watch.


GWS vs HAWTHORN
What is the easiest position to play in AFL football? What is the one role that can turn someone from utter SuperCoach irrelevancy to premium status? Harry Himmelberg is another bog-average forward who decided he’d have much more fun chasing kicks in D50, averaging 63 SC points in his previous, respectable role and a whopping 120 in the 5 weeks since as a seagull. He has rapidly flown up to 548k and the only concern is his coach – in true GWS tradition, the senior coach must love inexplicably moving the magnets and Spike McVeigh is no exception. Stephen Coniglio is another that has benefitted from a position tweak, more midfield time helping Cogs to also have a 5-round average north of 120. Josh Kelly’s run of averaging 130 seemed to only last 4 weeks this year and he’ll probably bottom out at 550k next week for those who are prepared to cop the inevitable soft tissue injury come finals.

However, in a week dedicated to burnmen, I could not finish talking about GWS without talking about these 2 flaming specimens. Braydon Preuss has managed to get all of suspended (twice!!), injured and dropped so far this season, while Lachie Whitfield owners are suddenly rejoicing after he finally started to look like a footballer following an utterly horrendous average of 78 for the first 9 weeks of the year. Only pain will you find with these two…

Speaking of failed forwards who decided to get cheap kicks behind the ball – James. F@rking. Sicily. After 11 rounds of absurd lipstick service (including 150s from 24 touches in 11 goal losses… seriously **** off Campaigner Data you cheating flogs), the powers that be have decided it best to try and lull us all into a false sense of security by scoring James “normally” in the past 3 weeks. 2 scores under the ton in his last 3 have seen the SicDog fall behind KOTD Witts in the race for the KOTD player of the year award, but I would expect normal service to resume sooner rather than later.

View attachment 1435644
CD generously applying the goods before every outing


FREMANTLE vs PORT ADELAIDE
Sometimes the trends on the BF SC board are inspired. Sometimes they are… not so. One subpar performance from Will Brodie in the presence of Nat Fyfe scared a few into flicking the Gold Coast reject, but he promptly returned to form with 36 touches and 129 against the Blues. Sean Darcy was solid without being spectacular against Carlton and should enjoy similar freedom against… whatever Port’s ruck division is, while Andy Brayshaw had his colours lowered last week and will look to bounce back. Nat Fyfe still doesn’t look right and isn’t really SC relevant at this point.

Dan Houston is a hard player to read in a SuperCoach sense, with more than half (8) of his scores this season being under 100 yet an average of 106 suggesting he either goes hard or doesn’t go at all. Ollie Wines has shown no ill effects following an early season scare yet hasn’t quite hit the heights of his Brownlow year, and he’ll be hoping to get some support this week from a potentially returning Zak Butters. Butters is fast approaching official Burnman status – 5 scores under 70 for the year and injuries seemingly every week paint Zak as the kind of bloke you wouldn’t really mind not having in your team. He may not get much of the pill this week anyway if Kent Hinkley decides again that it’s not worth playing a ruck..




This time of year is a bit like the honeymoon period – we’re all happy with our “completed teams” and then by Round 18 we’re all looking at them with disdain, thinking about the premos we’ve missed and what might have been. Enjoy the ride, enjoy the melts, and here’s to the Burnmen. ****ing campaigners. :moustache:

Excited Season 6 GIF by The Office
 

Nelso

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It’s always funny seeing what constitutes a massive contract in the AFL compared to other sports. This popped up on my news feed showing Piggy’s 7m over 7 years contract right next to Russell Westbrook opting into a 47.1m one year contract. We really are a tiny drop in the sporting world.
Chuckbrook should be sent to jail for fraud. He is taking coin under false pretences.
 

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Blackhawk42

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It’s always funny seeing what constitutes a massive contract in the AFL compared to other sports. This popped up on my news feed showing Piggy’s 7m over 7 years contract right next to Russell Westbrook opting into a 47.1m one year contract. We really are a tiny drop in the sporting world.

American sports are absolutely absurd. We shouldn't look up to them for that.
 

pincrusher

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2022 is a bit ****ed isn’t it campaigners.

Sometimes it feels like we say this every year, but it really does feel like this year has turned the bullshit up to 11. More third game rookie failures than you can poke a stick at, no ruckmen left, burnmen as far as the eye can see.

As a matter of fact, the burnmen are probably the only “normal” component of SuperCoach in 2022. Our game is one of tradition – since the heady days of the Rockpig many players have been plastered with the label of “burnman”, a label harder to shake than Ryan Crowley on a shitty winter’s night in Perth. Yet it would be a mistake to label all burnmen as one – not all burnmen are created equal.



So what exactly makes a burnman? Every player gets injured, every player is capable of being suspended (RIP Tom Stewart… campaigner), every player is at the mercy of those campaigners we call AFL coaches. Yet, to become a burnman, once must display 4 key traits:

1) A predisposition to one of the above – frequent injuries, frequent suspensions, frequently dropped

2) A sexy, tantalising scoring history, usually with very high highs and very low lows

3) Frequently being “underpriced” – either due to said injuries or low scores

4) The ability to cause multiple BF posters to melt in spectacular fashion when traits 1) or 2) end up rearing their ugly heads (this is by far the most important)




When one suffers the wrath of a burnman, the response can be visceral. Emotional. Occasionally without reason. Almost like the end of a relationship :moustache:. So, what better way to differentiate the types of burnmen in a way only the scorned lovers of the BF SC board would understand.


THE FIRST LOVE – How many times have you heard the phrase “this time will be different?”. You’ve broken up with this burnman 5 times already, but the points and the way they make you feel are just too much to resist. Even when they get injured or suspended again, you just can’t help yourself. You keep going back. Who could resist Toby Greene when he bottoms out at 350k for the 5th year in a row??? Lachie Whitfield has DPP again this year, he'll go 110 if he stays fit… right? Guys?

THE TEASE – You all know this one. You look on longingly while this player gets ferocious amounts of lipstick service from the CD nerds and flies up in price. You see that stat line – 10 touches, 1 goal 1, 110 SC points. You know the hot streak is only going to last 6 weeks before something goes wrong. But all of the thrill is in the chase and the trade. You bring them in, and all of a sudden those traits that were so attractive in the first place immediately disappear. You wish you could trade them out again but you already know the moment you do, the lipstick’s coming back and you’ll be sucked in again. Looks aren’t everything, Isaac… I know that now. You too, Josh and Dayne. ****ing w***ers.


View attachment 1435631
It does nothing for me anymore. **** off campaigner


THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – Probably the most uncommon variety of burnman, this player is one who finds a home in your team from the start of the year. Who knows what you see in them – we all know your judgement isn’t great. You hold them for the first 10 rounds of the year while they average 85 and you sit around wondering why the **** you bother. The byes come round and decide to let them down gently – it’s not you, it’s me kind of thing. You act upset but in reality you’re relieved to be finally f***ing rid of them… unless you have a look on SuperCoachgram in a couple of weeks and they’ve glowed up proper and started averaging 115. Good things come to those who wait…


THE COMMITMENTOPHOBE – One that I feel like a good chunk of the SC board will relate to this year. You’ve just met this premo – they haven’t really been at the forefront of your mind in recent years but after a strong pre-season it was love at first KOTD ton. The honeymoon period goes well, they average 120 for the first 6 weeks or so before something happens and they go cold. You can’t let go – you’re only just learning where this could head! You hold on and things get better, but your trust is gone and predictably you get hurt again a few weeks later. Should have cut your losses at the first time of asking :moustache:

View attachment 1435632
The Stick Insect’s brief flirtation with SPdom… and our hearts

The best part of all of this? We all know we’re ready to get hurt again at the first time of asking… there’s always a new burnman around the corner. Onto the games :moustache:


BRISBANE vs WESTERN BULLDOGS
The first game of the round begins with a few of the most KOTD specimens known to man. Lachie Neale barely played a quarter in a 70 point loss last week and still ended up with 110, which should mean we’re all chucking the VC on him tomorrow night presuming he actually turns up after QT. Daniel Rich has returned to some supreme gulling form in the past month after a somewhat subdued start to the year and presents good value for Tom Stewart owners at 543k, while burnman captain extraordinaire Dayne Zorko is on track to return against the Dogs from a hamstring injury. Knowing the prick, he’s just as likely to average 120 for the rest of the year as he is to get 40 on Thursday night and re-injure the same ****ing leg.

In the Blue corner, the KOTD flag will be blown by none other than Marcus KOTDempelli himself who boasts a record of only 2 scores under the ton all season. He’ll be ably supported by midfield stalwarts Josh Dunkley and Jack Macrae, although Macrae’s second half fadeouts of late have resulted in his usual perma-captain credentials being questioned. Tim English will miss again, while Tom Liberatore and Bailey Dale continue to post premo-quality scores on their respective lines. Both still represent reasonable value and the POD factor to boot.

View attachment 1435634
A battle for the ages… the master vs the apprentice of KOTD


CARLTON vs ST. KILDA
If you want Sam Walsh, it’s now or never. The SP stud has a season average of 115 and turned in his best performance of the season last week with 138, if not his season high score. At 579k and a BE of 80, he could shape as a valuable and reliable POD for the run home. By contrast, skipper Patrick Cripps has dropped off starkly from his early season ridiculousness with 4 of his last 6 scores being under the ton. George Hewett still has only one score under 100 for the year while the Blues’ half backs continue to feast, Sam Docherty with a healthy average of 111 for the season which has been matched by his counterpart Adam Saad over the last 5 rounds.

Jack Sinclair had the unfortunate inconvenience of an opposition player actually acknowledging his existence last week, resulting in a season low 79. Jack Steele returned from an AC joint injury to post 115 and is projected to bottom out at a very juicy 545k next week, while Jade Gresham’s ball use continues to preclude him from entering the echelon of super premos. Mitch Owens, just about the only St. Kilda player without a first name starting with J, is a name many coaches will be hoping to see named on Friday following a pair of rather dire St. Kilda efforts since his concussion.


ESSENDON vs SYDNEY
Darcy Parish crushed many a SuperCoach soul following his calf injury 2 weeks ago but will hopefully return this week, likely improving Zach Merrett’s scoring at the same time as the pack skirting kent will have his main man back to win the pill for him. The Jordan Ridley rollercoaster continues but it would be one I would be pretty keen to jump off, while all eyes will be on rookie saviour Massimo D’Ambrosio to provide coaches with some hope amongst the abyss of dead defence rookies this season. He’s only 102k but there is talk he may not hold his spot.

Isaac. ****ing. Heeney. How could I ever start talking about Sydney without talking about this flog. As the season has gone on the great white myth of “Heeney will play midfield!!!” has again proven itself to be just that, and with 6 of his last 7 scores being under the ton (3 of them 75 or less) the Peen has well and truly reverted to type. Steer clear if your team isn’t already cursed by his presence.

Outside of the Peen, Callum Mills broke a streak of 5 consecutive tons with an underwhelming 86 while Luke Parker was also similarly disappointing. It seemed that it was only the Swans’ seagulls that were able to dine out last weekend – OG Filthy Gull Jake Lloyd rebounded from a diabolical game against Port to post by far his best score of year and at the same time provide a fantastic exhibit of premium gulling for his protégé Nick Blakey, who boasts 5 tons in his last 6 and shapes as a likely starting pick next season. I guess you can’t keep a good Gull down..

View attachment 1435635
Dread it. Run from it. He is inevitable


ADELAIDE vs MELBOURNE
Tom Stewart owners everywhere will be hoping that the collective weight of their Chols doesn’t break Jordan Dawson this week. His last 7 scores are all over the fabled 100 mark and he shapes as the most popular trade in for Stewart, especially considering his relatively low ownership at 13%. Dawson’s streak of tons pales in comparison to midfield seagull Rory Laird, who is rocking 11 (!!) consecutive tons and only once in that run has he dropped below 110. He’s beyond reach for most given his lowest price for the year was 624k… but I suppose you could pick Ben Keays instead, who himself has only dropped under the ton twice all season however with both of them occurring in his last 5 outings.

Clayton Oliver may break the record this week for overall percentage of SCers with the C on him. Clarry simply feasts on the Crows – his last 2 efforts against them have both been over 200 and with a 5 round average of 140, it’s hard to see how any self-respecting coach ignores him for C or VC this week. By contrast, Christian Petracca hasn’t gone over the ton in 4 weeks and seems to have forgotten that the game is actually called “football” recently, such is the dire nature of his kicking. Angus Brayshaw has 4 tons in a row and has some value as a 530k DEF with DPP, while Luke Jackson repaid the faith for those who took the punt last week with a massive 122 in the absence of Max Gawn. The Bearded One does look large on the horizon however, with an expected return next week.


GEELONG vs NORTH MELBOURNE
There are many ways to go out. Some choose a first quarter injury and dump a 20 on field. Some play all 4 quarters and still dump a 20 on field. Then there are others that poleaxe the opposition’s best (only) midfielder, drop a 160 then ride off for an early end of season trip. Tommy Stewart has been a force of nature this season but will deservedly miss the next month and hence will need to be traded. Vale… you absolute ****ing campaigner, don’t you realise some of us flogs only have 3 trades left??? Thanks for committing me to keeping my spud M5-M8 campaigner

View attachment 1435641
You little mongrel

Outside of that, Cam Guthrie has been a pretty inspired trade for those who took the punt, while Jeremy Cameron has been pretty consistent by key forward standards with each of his last 5 scores being over 90. I’ll save a special shout out here for Sam De Koning, who posted the first ton of his career last week despite about ¾ of us trading him out instead of Paddy McCartin. Cheers campaigner.

There are only 2 reasons you should be looking at North Melbourne – Aaron Hall, who has returned to peak seagulling form with a huge 153 last week, and Todd Goldstein who has wound the clock back something chronic following an initial injury to Tristan Xerri back in Round 6. Hall in particular isn’t going to get any cheaper at 508k and if you’re willing to risk his hammies going ping in PF week, it’s time.


GOLD COAST vs COLLINGWOOD
I just want to talk about Jarrod Witts for a moment. This is a bloke who has averaged over 95 for a season once in his life. Never over 100. He’s just come back from an ACL. Yet here we are with this beanpole campaigner averaging 118, including 148 last week because Ken Hinkley decided yet again that he’s a bit too clever for this coaching caper. Why on earth do you need a ruck against a 7 foot beanpole who’s been taking the piss all season? I digress..

Touk Miller is the only other Sun with any real relevance and is on the receiving end of a lot of melts for a bloke averaging 115. Calm down campaigners and have a look at his fixture to end the year – Eagles in QF week, Hawks SF week, North GF week.

If you had told me at the start of 2022 that Darcy Cameron would have a 5 round average firmly in SP territory, I would have asked you to pass the pipe. The only thing wrong with Cameron’s average is that it is cruelly not high enough, after the CD dogs reamed him despite a best on ground performance against the Giants. Jack Crisp has been a beacon of consistency all season and is good value for non-owners at 533k, while those who held onto phenom Nick Daicos would be absolutely stoked with his last 3 weeks. As for Jordan de Goey… just don’t do it. Kmart Dusty should return from personal leave this week but for his long suffering owners and prospective buyers, he only has 1 ton in his last 8 starts. Avoid.


Darcy Cameron to Brodie Grundy when he attempts to reclaim the first ruck position

RICHMOND vs WEST COAST
I’m not quite sure what has happened to Toby Nankervis since Round 7, but his scores since then read as follows: 6 tons, 4 of them 120+, and only one score below that mark at 85. With the dearth of ruck options at present outside of arguably the most KOTD season in living memory, the Nank is well and truly in the conversation for one of your ruck positions. Liam Baker is another who has had an inspiring month of form with a 5 round average over 110 and a very friendly role that finds him around the ball more often than not. He’s not quite the value he once was at 493k, but is still worth a look. Nick Vlaustin continues to go up and down like a yo-yo, unlike Jayden Short who recently seems to only know how to go down. 7 tons in his first 8 have been followed by only 2 in his last 6 after Dimma decided to challenge Shorty into doing something he hasn’t done for his entire life – win his own pill. He's worth considering trading sideways if you’re lacking some of the true DEF premos, while I won’t say anything else about Judson Clarke than to say he continued the theme of all 2022 rookies dropping an absolute turd in their third game out.

Nobody should own anyone from West Coast after both Greg Clark and Alex Witherden were dropped – although I suppose Brady Hough exists for those who kept his corpse on the bench for 10 weeks. Nic Naitanui, a man who was ridiculously KOTD before CD decided they had a hard-on for anything over 6 foot 5, is planned to return this week and may actually break the system if CD apply the same love to him on top of his usual. One to watch.


GWS vs HAWTHORN
What is the easiest position to play in AFL football? What is the one role that can turn someone from utter SuperCoach irrelevancy to premium status? Harry Himmelberg is another bog-average forward who decided he’d have much more fun chasing kicks in D50, averaging 63 SC points in his previous, respectable role and a whopping 120 in the 5 weeks since as a seagull. He has rapidly flown up to 548k and the only concern is his coach – in true GWS tradition, the senior coach must love inexplicably moving the magnets and Spike McVeigh is no exception. Stephen Coniglio is another that has benefitted from a position tweak, more midfield time helping Cogs to also have a 5-round average north of 120. Josh Kelly’s run of averaging 130 seemed to only last 4 weeks this year and he’ll probably bottom out at 550k next week for those who are prepared to cop the inevitable soft tissue injury come finals.

However, in a week dedicated to burnmen, I could not finish talking about GWS without talking about these 2 flaming specimens. Braydon Preuss has managed to get all of suspended (twice!!), injured and dropped so far this season, while Lachie Whitfield owners are suddenly rejoicing after he finally started to look like a footballer following an utterly horrendous average of 78 for the first 9 weeks of the year. Only pain will you find with these two…

Speaking of failed forwards who decided to get cheap kicks behind the ball – James. F@rking. Sicily. After 11 rounds of absurd lipstick service (including 150s from 24 touches in 11 goal losses… seriously **** off Campaigner Data you cheating flogs), the powers that be have decided it best to try and lull us all into a false sense of security by scoring James “normally” in the past 3 weeks. 2 scores under the ton in his last 3 have seen the SicDog fall behind KOTD Witts in the race for the KOTD player of the year award, but I would expect normal service to resume sooner rather than later.

View attachment 1435644
CD generously applying the goods before every outing


FREMANTLE vs PORT ADELAIDE
Sometimes the trends on the BF SC board are inspired. Sometimes they are… not so. One subpar performance from Will Brodie in the presence of Nat Fyfe scared a few into flicking the Gold Coast reject, but he promptly returned to form with 36 touches and 129 against the Blues. Sean Darcy was solid without being spectacular against Carlton and should enjoy similar freedom against… whatever Port’s ruck division is, while Andy Brayshaw had his colours lowered last week and will look to bounce back. Nat Fyfe still doesn’t look right and isn’t really SC relevant at this point.

Dan Houston is a hard player to read in a SuperCoach sense, with more than half (8) of his scores this season being under 100 yet an average of 106 suggesting he either goes hard or doesn’t go at all. Ollie Wines has shown no ill effects following an early season scare yet hasn’t quite hit the heights of his Brownlow year, and he’ll be hoping to get some support this week from a potentially returning Zak Butters. Butters is fast approaching official Burnman status – 5 scores under 70 for the year and injuries seemingly every week paint Zak as the kind of bloke you wouldn’t really mind not having in your team. He may not get much of the pill this week anyway if Kent Hinkley decides again that it’s not worth playing a ruck..




This time of year is a bit like the honeymoon period – we’re all happy with our “completed teams” and then by Round 18 we’re all looking at them with disdain, thinking about the premos we’ve missed and what might have been. Enjoy the ride, enjoy the melts, and here’s to the Burnmen. ****ing campaigners. :moustache:

Absolutely brilliant. I have no idea what you do in real life, but I hope it's something that allows you to showcase your obvious talents.
 

Loose at HB

Professional Melter
Apr 20, 2018
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Absolutely brilliant. I have no idea what you do in real life, but I hope it's something that allows you to showcase your obvious talents.
My real life is about as far removed from creative writing as it gets! I actually wanted to be a journalist when I was much younger but I realised the profession is rife with nepotism, as well as generally in the toilet these days from a quality perspective. Social media has absolutely destroyed it IMO

BF is the only place I do this sort of stuff. I'm just glad that people seem to enjoy it :moustache:
 

Riviat

Yes
Feb 5, 2017
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My real life is about as far removed from creative writing as it gets! I actually wanted to be a journalist when I was much younger but I realised the profession is rife with nepotism, as well as generally in the toilet these days from a quality perspective. Social media has absolutely destroyed it IMO

BF is the only place I do this sort of stuff. I'm just glad that people seem to enjoy it :moustache:
How much do you charge for uni assignments?
 
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