Media A Message To You Rookie

TJASTA advice surprised me.
Was much more serious and helpful than I anticipated
Maybe he answered it while he was still in his positive forces/energy mode
I miss that TJASTA
But even this escaped from juvvie TJASTA has a thoughtful side :)
There was a shout out /kind things thread a season or two ago which made an impact
Ned_Flanders has taught him well
 
I try to find Wacky Tiger, however it seems as though the theatre has a rodent infestation and Wacky’s under the stage planting dynamite. Hope he knows what he’s doing!
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Whoops!!!
 
Gumbies FFC
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There is a snail trail of bright green slime leading away from the old theatre. I follow it down the road, but the trail is too long for me to continue by foot.

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‘Finding’ another skateboard, I hitch a ride on the back of a car until the snail trail comes to a stop, and sure enough it leads me to the DeWhorean. It’s parked outside of a two-storey suburban house, so I detach myself from my conveyance and walk inside.

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When I get inside the house I find a box full of toys. I pick up the top two, a cowboy and a spaceman. I pull the cord on the back of the cowboy and he starts speaking. “Howdy rookie, how y’all doing?” I ask him where I am and where Doc is. “Don’t you go fretting about your partner none. Now why don’t you tell ol’ Woodybran -” I pull his cord again. “-what brings you round these parts?”

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As I tell him my journey of discovery I pull the cord on the back of the spaceman who then begins talking into some kind of intercom system: “ beez Lightyear to Gumby Command, come in Gumby Command… Gumby Command come in, do you read me?” He then looks up at me and says “There seems to be no signs of intelligent life anywhere”.

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Picking up a cowgirl now, I start spinning the rude spaceman around by his feet, and he starts squealing excitedly. I drop him and the others onto the ground, then tip up the rest of the cardboard box.

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Lots of different toys fall out and land on the floor which seems to activate them, as they come alive as soon as they hit the ground. As well as the cowfolk and spaceman there’s a dinosaur, a dog with a slinky body, a pig, a robot, two Irishmen, a horse, some aliens, a genuine frontiersman and a green Plasticine shepherd girl.

gumbies 13.jpg


Woodybran introduces me to the group of toys, who are known as the Gumbies. They are a team that are well used and have seen a lot of love, but now are not quite right. The box they were in had the word ‘Salvos’ written on it, so it seems as though they are on the verge of finding another home. I tell them that I hope that my releasing them form the cardboard box will allow them to stay in the house that they so love, with my only request in return being that they take a few minutes to assist me with my journey of discovery. They agree, so I ask them to close their eyes, reach back in time to their younger selves, and give themselves advice on what to do in the SFA.

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Woodybran is the first Gumby to speak. A hirsute man who’s seen his share of glory days, he’s now happy to just be stayin’ alive. His advice to his younger self is just as short…

“You win the EKA and join forces with the person who gets you over the line. Don't change a thing.”

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I feel as though there’s something in that for me, so I thank Woodybran for his time and look to haydo, who seems to be the source of the snail trail. Looking equally enticing and grotesque, haydo is the sort of person that can keep a flock in the one place. And like fellow captain Woodybran, haydo is sparing with their word use…

“To not trust TheCoach16 and anything he says”.

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beez Lightyear walks up to me with the sort of delusional swagger that only somebody with a media award named after them is allowed to use. His advice belies his swagger however and tells a cautionary tale…

“Dear beez,

Remember when ClarkeM introduced yourself to the board and then abandoned you without a second thought? Never forget that. If you live by the mantra, "Do the opposite of whatever ClarkeM does", you'll be fine.

Signed beez.

PS. Run. Run far, far away. If you get stuck on this board you'll never be able to escape.”


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The cowgirl named Taylor is the next Gumby to sidle up to me. She strikes me as somebody with an inherent authority, however she has an aura of familiarity that has a settling effect on me. Her advice to her younger self follows a familiar theme however…

“Oh Taylor, sorry Tayl0r, you stupid girl. They don't care. Just let it all flow, don't listen to FrankstonRover like he is actually trying to hurt your feelings.

Enjoy the wins more, that first flag will feel like a lucky cake walk at the time but a fluke in the long run.

Lean into smart arse jokes more, someone out there will get it, eventually.

Continue to ignore the haters.

You've got some real bad stuff coming in real life. Brace yourself.”


I then turn to Rodney Dangerfield, and expect something special from him. He is known for having an outstanding turn of phrase, yet at the same time he strikes me as somebody who has a chip on their shoulder for not receiving either the respect or the esteem that they so constantly crave, which shines brightly in his advice to his younger (much younger) Rodney…

“I would tell myself to embrace the w***er within and just make it all about me. Demand I play in the best positions, seek attention as much as I could, spit the dummy when I didn’t get it and so forth.
If you want to be really s**t at this game take the approach I did and just sort of feel your way in, show respect and earn your stripes the old school way.
If you want to be good come in like a real ******* upstart and the sim will embrace you.”


StFly is the next to respond and, true to his robotic heart, gets straight to the point…

“This is my "second phase" in the SFA, I've no real interest in telling my rookie self anything since I did a damn fine job in rebuilding the Gumbies, so if anything the rookie can tell current me to chillax a bit.”

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Making my way to DERO, he looks as if he’s trying to copy his response from somebody else, so when I ask him what he would tell young DERO he simply replied:

“Dear rookie self, in the future you will be asked to give yourself some advice. So it would be wise to use the time coming up with something good for poor Tonga Rob.”

I can’t help but agree with DERO and thank him for his input.

I then look at peterss, Jack The Godfather, okeydoke7 and Jivlain but they are laying motionless on the floor, so I leave them to recuperate.

Suddenly I hear a shout from upstairs. At first I though it was the sound of a honking goose, but then it becomes more audible. It’s the sound of Doc’s voice, calling me upstairs.

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I enter a room to find Doc with some orgasmatron contraption that looks like it’s come from the Eyrie strapped to his head. The room is a laboratory, where Doc has been up to his inventing tricks again. He’s been working on a car like the DeWhorean for the toys, which is why the toys invited him to the house in the first place.

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I ask Doc what the phone booth is in the corner of the room, and he explains that he’s taken the opportunity to make another time machine that can carry more people. He then steps into the phone booth. I ask him where he’s going now, and he simply says “K” before the phone booth explodes like the car and vanishes into the floor.

Five seconds later Doc walks back in the room with Woodybran and beez Lightyear. It’s time for them to test their new jet car.

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We take the car outside, Doc straps Woodybran & beez in and lights a fuse at the end of a rocket.

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And before you could say ‘occupational health and safety’ Woodybran and beez are shooting across the street.

gumbies 7.jpg


They hit a speed bump and the rocket shoots them up into the sky. beez Lightyear jubilantly exclaims “To infinity and beyond!” before the rocket loses power and the brave yet foolhardy duo plummet to near-certain doom. Oh, the humanity!

Anyhow, Doc is back in the DeWhorean by now and beckons for me to join him. As a walk to the car I think back to the Gumbies. A playful group who embrace living on the border between relevance and obscurity, the Gumbies are the SFA equivalent of Peter Ostrum. “Who is Peter Ostrum?” I hear you read. Peter was the child actor who played Charlie in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. After starring in that film he took his chocolates and went home, never to act again. He now plays with horses, content with his obscurity.

I get into the car and ask Doc where we’re going now and he replies simply with “Home”.

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Jun 30, 2014
29,143
34,097
The Winchester
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Tottenham Hotspur, East Side Hawks
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There is a snail trail of bright green slime leading away from the old theatre. I follow it down the road, but the trail is too long for me to continue by foot.

View attachment 880816

‘Finding’ another skateboard, I hitch a ride on the back of a car until the snail trail comes to a stop, and sure enough it leads me to the DeWhorean. It’s parked outside of a two-storey suburban house, so I detach myself from my conveyance and walk inside.

View attachment 880817

When I get inside the house I find a box full of toys. I pick up the top two, a cowboy and a spaceman. I pull the cord on the back of the cowboy and he starts speaking. “Howdy rookie, how y’all doing?” I ask him where I am and where Doc is. “Don’t you go fretting about your partner none. Now why don’t you tell ol’ Woodybran -” I pull his cord again. “-what brings you round these parts?”

View attachment 880820

As I tell him my journey of discovery I pull the cord on the back of the spaceman who then begins talking into some kind of intercom system: “ beez Lightyear to Gumby Command, come in Gumby Command… Gumby Command come in, do you read me?” He then looks up at me and says “There seems to be no signs of intelligent life anywhere”.

View attachment 880822

Picking up a cowgirl now, I start spinning the rude spaceman around by his feet, and he starts squealing excitedly. I drop him and the others onto the ground, then tip up the rest of the cardboard box.

View attachment 880823

Lots of different toys fall out and land on the floor which seems to activate them, as they come alive as soon as they hit the ground. As well as the cowfolk and spaceman there’s a dinosaur, a dog with a slinky body, a pig, a robot, two Irishmen, a horse, some aliens, a genuine frontiersman and a green Plasticine shepherd girl.

View attachment 880825

Woodybran introduces me to the group of toys, who are known as the Gumbies. They are a team that are well used and have seen a lot of love, but now are not quite right. The box they were in had the word ‘Salvos’ written on it, so it seems as though they are on the verge of finding another home. I tell them that I hope that my releasing them form the cardboard box will allow them to stay in the house that they so love, with my only request in return being that they take a few minutes to assist me with my journey of discovery. They agree, so I ask them to close their eyes, reach back in time to their younger selves, and give themselves advice on what to do in the SFA.

View attachment 880826

Woodybran is the first Gumby to speak. A hirsute man who’s seen his share of glory days, he’s now happy to just be stayin’ alive. His advice to his younger self is just as short…

“You win the EKA and join forces with the person who gets you over the line. Don't change a thing.”

View attachment 880827

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I feel as though there’s something in that for me, so I thank Woodybran for his time and look to haydo, who seems to be the source of the snail trail. Looking equally enticing and grotesque, haydo is the sort of person that can keep a flock in the one place. And like fellow captain Woodybran, haydo is sparing with their word use…

“To not trust TheCoach16 and anything he says”.

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beez Lightyear walks up to me with the sort of delusional swagger that only somebody with a media award named after them is allowed to use. His advice belies his swagger however and tells a cautionary tale…

“Dear beez,

Remember when ClarkeM introduced yourself to the board and then abandoned you without a second thought? Never forget that. If you live by the mantra, "Do the opposite of whatever ClarkeM does", you'll be fine.

Signed beez.

PS. Run. Run far, far away. If you get stuck on this board you'll never be able to escape.”


View attachment 880832

The cowgirl named Taylor is the next Gumby to sidle up to me. She strikes me as somebody with an inherent authority, however she has an aura of familiarity that has a settling effect on me. Her advice to her younger self follows a familiar theme however…

“Oh Taylor, sorry Tayl0r, you stupid girl. They don't care. Just let it all flow, don't listen to FrankstonRover like he is actually trying to hurt your feelings.

Enjoy the wins more, that first flag will feel like a lucky cake walk at the time but a fluke in the long run.

Lean into smart arse jokes more, someone out there will get it, eventually.

Continue to ignore the haters.

You've got some real bad stuff coming in real life. Brace yourself.”


I then turn to Rodney Dangerfield, and expect something special from him. He is known for having an outstanding turn of phrase, yet at the same time he strikes me as somebody who has a chip on their shoulder for not receiving either the respect or the esteem that they so constantly crave, which shines brightly in his advice to his younger (much younger) Rodney…

“I would tell myself to embrace the w***er within and just make it all about me. Demand I play in the best positions, seek attention as much as I could, spit the dummy when I didn’t get it and so forth.
If you want to be really s**t at this game take the approach I did and just sort of feel your way in, show respect and earn your stripes the old school way.
If you want to be good come in like a real ******* upstart and the sim will embrace you.”


StFly is the next to respond and, true to his robotic heart, gets straight to the point…

“This is my "second phase" in the SFA, I've no real interest in telling my rookie self anything since I did a damn fine job in rebuilding the Gumbies, so if anything the rookie can tell current me to chillax a bit.”

View attachment 880834

Making my way to DERO, he looks as if he’s trying to copy his response from somebody else, so when I ask him what he would tell young DERO he simply replied:

“Dear rookie self, in the future you will be asked to give yourself some advice. So it would be wise to use the time coming up with something good for poor Tonga Rob.”

I can’t help but agree with DERO and thank him for his input.

I then look at peterss, Jack The Godfather, okeydoke7 and Jivlain but they are laying motionless on the floor, so I leave them to recuperate.

Suddenly I hear a shout from upstairs. At first I though it was the sound of a honking goose, but then it becomes more audible. It’s the sound of Doc’s voice, calling me upstairs.

View attachment 880835

I enter a room to find Doc with some orgasmatron contraption that looks like it’s come from the Eyrie strapped to his head. The room is a laboratory, where Doc has been up to his inventing tricks again. He’s been working on a car like the DeWhorean for the toys, which is why the toys invited him to the house in the first place.

View attachment 880836

I ask Doc what the phone booth is in the corner of the room, and he explains that he’s taken the opportunity to make another time machine that can carry more people. He then steps into the phone booth. I ask him where he’s going now, and he simply says “K” before the phone booth explodes like the car and vanishes into the floor.

Five seconds later Doc walks back in the room with Woodybran and beez Lightyear. It’s time for them to test their new jet car.

View attachment 880837

We take the car outside, Doc straps Woodybran & beez in and lights a fuse at the end of a rocket.

View attachment 880838

And before you could say ‘occupational health and safety’ Woodybran and beez are shooting across the street.

View attachment 880840

They hit a speed bump and the rocket shoots them up into the sky. beez Lightyear jubilantly exclaims “To infinity and beyond!” before the rocket loses power and the brave yet foolhardy duo plummet to near-certain doom. Oh, the humanity!

Anyhow, Doc is back in the DeWhorean by now and beckons for me to join him. As a walk to the car I think back to the Gumbies. A playful group who embrace living on the border between relevance and obscurity, the Gumbies are the SFA equivalent of Peter Ostrum. “Who is Peter Ostrum?” I hear you read. Peter was the child actor who played Charlie in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. After starring in that film he took his chocolates and went home, never to act again. He now plays with horses, content with his obscurity.

I get into the car and ask Doc where we’re going now and he replies simply with “Home”.

View attachment 880841
I think you may be Robbo.
With LSD on the flavour saver.
 
Coney Island Warriors part 1
The DeWhorean makes its way out of the explosion once again, and we find ourselves parked outside of a convenience store. I ask Doc where we are and again he just says “K”. He gets out of the car and asks me to join him.

warriors 1.jpg


I quickly see what Doc means. This is the K Corral, the number one convenience store in Coney Island. Doc has brought me home just like he promised, but the surprises didn’t stop there.

“Bob, it’s time I let you in on a secret.”

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Doc pulls a skin-tight mask off from his face to reveal that his identity is none other than my team captain and mentor TheInjuryFactory! I ask him whether he has masterminded my journey of discovery so far, and he says “I don't sit here and think I'm a genius. Clearly my fundamentals are strong and we win, but we need to improve to achieve the ultimate success.” I tell him that I’m not quite sure what he’s talking about, to which he replies “I feel like I’ve already answered that question. There’s no magic here, it’s all about unrelenting action. I’ll let the cobblers do the cobbling”.

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TIF goes on to say that my journey of discovery hasn’t ended yet. “Action builds convenience Bobby. You can’t head down to Hay Street and buy convenience, can you? There’s no convenience shop.” I tell him we’re literally standing outside a convenience shop, TIF says it’s an opinion business and walks to the other side of the car park. I follow him, baffled with his logic.

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We sit down in front of the K Corral, and I thank TIF for guiding me on my journey of discovery and that he has given me some tremendous advice in the time I’ve been in the SFA. I then ask him what he would tell his younger self, to see if there’s anything that he’s been holding out on telling me. As if he’s prepared for this question for some time, TIF looks at me with a knowing grin, pulls out an old photo and a letter from his coat pocket, and starts reading…

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“Hey TiF,

One day, you will be out minding your own business in the middle of a pandemic, when an early 80s symbol of Americana masquerading as a time machine will appear in a flash of brilliant light, and you will be approached by your star rookie and his peculiar, pedo areas ’doctor’ friend to write to yourself so he can win the EKA to give yourself some advice, so here we are.

None of that will make any sense of course, but just go with me on this.

This rabbit hole goes deep my friend, so it’s probably best if I keep it brief. I don’t want to rob you of your sense of adventure.

Here’s a few nuggets to munch on…




  • There’s a game called Werewolf on this board, you will one day quickly attain Tier 1 status and bring many melts, but you will grow tired of winning and give it away.
  • You’ve joined the best club in the competition, with the funniest, wittiest and most engaging, confrontational posters in the league. But you will never win anything.
  • One day you will become captain of this great club, and your team will be very, very bad at qooty. Terrible even.
  • Here you will meet many great people, but you will also meet many, many dickheads.
  • You will challenge the status quo, much to the chagrin of league legends.
  • You will achieve great acclaim, but mostly in mid-season surveys and not when it counts.
  • Ross Lyon will become a much loved figure once again under your dutiful patronage.
  • You will bring credibility to Fremantle posters everywhere.

But most of all, you have a lot of fun here, you'll make some new mates and you contribute to what makes the place great. At least that’s what you’ll tell yourself every night in the mirror before you cry yourself to sleep.”

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I ask TIF who exactly he meant by my peculiar pedo areas ‘doctor’ friend when he himself was the person accompanying me in my journey of discovery. His reply was as terse as I’ve ever seen from him: “That's the best question you can come up with after two minutes of quality advice? You're quite brilliant, Bob! Yep, terrific.”

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Suddenly a flash like a lightning bolt appears from the sky and lands in the other side of the car park. Once the flash subsides what is left remaining surprises me. It is the phone booth time machine from the Gumby house, and out steps a man wearing a trench coat with the head of what I can only assume to be a robot monkey. Strange things are afoot at the K Corral.

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I ask TIF who this is. He introduces me to pantsredacted, who has helped TIF to re-stump, re-wire and re-plumb the Coney Island Warriors. TIF tells me that pants is somebody that has achieved all there is to achieve, and has a badge named after him but is so good that he doesn’t need to wear it. Much like his pants.

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I say hello to pants, who tells me that he’s happy to meet. Then as if reading my mind pants closes his eyes, reaches back in time to their younger selves, and gives himself advice on what to do in the SFA.

“Probably not much I would change from my rookie season, I am still happy I chose to play with the Roys, I won the EKA, I secured a prime spot on the team and I did a little media. I was probably the biggest spammer of the season or at least close but who gives a fu** about that, I would think I was quite the s**t poster as well, if I had any regret it was probably not finding the board sooner. So a message to a younger pants, kiddo, you're ******* amazing.”

I begin to thank pants for his advice, but he isn’t finished…

“I'll add as well that a good rookie will get offers from other teams. I left the Roys fairly early and returned that same season during trade week, you get the idea that things can only be more fun elsewhere but that's not always the case, when weighing up whether to stay or go really take a look at your current surroundings and see if you see yourself advancing where you are or fast tracking an advancement elsewhere, but also don't be scared to tell your current team what you want or would like.”

I quickly thank him before he cuts me off again, still grateful for his advice. I tell him that he has been like the big brother I’ve never had have had but never saw have had and saw lots of in real life and got into all sorts of adventures with. He says “Happy to brother”.

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I start telling TIF & pants that my journey of discovery must surely be over now, when all of a sudden another flash descends from the heavens, and a second phone booth appears! Once the fireworks stop the phone booth opens and, to my astonishment, there’s a s**t ton of people inside. Two figures step out and before I can say ‘this is pretty f**ked up right here’ I’m looking at another TIF and another me!!! I ask the original TIF what the hell’s going on with these other versions of us. He says “He’s like Might and Power – just give him a tickle on the ribs and away he goes”. Not knowing exactly what he means once again I start giving myself a tickle on the ribs, and the others follow suit. Guitar music plays from out of nowhere as we riff on our air guitars for a good 30 seconds.

warriors 9.jpg


The other Bob looks at us and says “Listen other Bob and TIF, you don’t have much time. Collect the Wazzas, get the advice and save the lignum mulieris meretrices!” I turn to the original TIF with a confused look on my face and he whispers “Whore Tree” into my ear. The other TIF then points to pants and says “Listen to this robot monkey thing, he knows what he’s talking about!” They talk with pants in private and re-enter their phone booth before it falls into the ground somehow in a pile of sparks.

I really f**ken hate sparks by now!

warriors 10.jpg


pants then steps inside the remaining phone booth, picks up the handpiece and starts dialling in a number in the keypad. As TIF ushers me in I ask where we’re going, to which he replies “Anyone, anywhere, anytime”. The outside of the phone booth erupts in a now-familiar explosion as we start on hopefully the final part of my journey.

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Looking out of the phone booth while it’s taking its roller coaster ride through time, I start to think back on the season that’s been, my first in the SFA. This gives me a sense of belonging during a turbulent voyage, but before too long we’re brought to a sudden halt as we land back on ground.

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Our first stop is back in the Wild West. As TIF opens the phone booth door pants excuses himself, saying something about having a boys club meeting to attend. So TIF and I make our way to a saloon that I recognise as being The Ant & Wig. I look for the Wonders but are unable to find them, apparently they secured a last-minute invitation to an online tournament. I go to ask TIF about it but he just shakes his head and says “Failure is feedback Bobby”.

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Just then a cowboy stands up and says “Lookin’ for a qooty player partner? Well look no further, harry000 the Kid at your service”.

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Harry walks over to us. TIF asks him to join our team, and Harry says “If you beat me in a game of cards then I’m in”. TIF replies that we’re a no excuse qootball club so that will be fine.

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Well Harry is a gun card player and TIF is pretty good as well, but I had a trick or two up my sleeve. Literally. When Harry called Uno I threw down a Wild Draw Four card. Harry lifts his head back and laughs. “You got me, I’m in. You’re cold blooded Bob! I like you. You remind me of me when I was a rookie. I remember it as if it was yesterday.” He then starts giving me advice as if I’m a younger Harry the Kid. Harry the Infant if you will…

“Dear rookie harry000

Don't listen to Barrybran you can post as little or as much as you like and still be a legendary little devil.

Also, if the whore tree isn't satisfying your needs the gals over at the Furies are the easiest WAGs in the competition. If you're feeling something a little classier head up Mt Buller and bring the cocaine instead of the K. Doing lines in a ski resort hot tub off of a rich WAGs cheese platter IS LIVING.

Stay away from TJASTA he is a weird stalker and will take residence in your wheelie bin if you give him attention.

Cheers

Older more awesome harry000”


warriors 16.jpg


The three of us make our way back to the phone booth. There’s a note left behind by pants that says “Don’t wait for me. See you back on the Island”. So we get into the phone booth and TIF dials us to our next destination.
 
Coney Island Warriors part 2
warriors 17.jpg


We land at an ancient marble temple, where somebody that looks suspiciously like Bloodied52 is talking to a group of other robed people named Morganashlee, candiehappy and Papa Juggs. TIF tells me that this is zackah, and we have arrived in the middle of a Wazzas history lesson. In fact, it seems as though zackah is telling the others the same advice that he would give his younger self…

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“little zackah it is with great pleasure that I write to you as one of the out and out superstars of the competition. You will be pleased to know you regularly receive offers to join rivals clubs in return for sexual favours. Your career is filled with highs and lows including such highs as being awarded a fisting award in your rookie season...calm down you little degenerate not that type of fisting...to multiple pwned trophies and terrible lows such as being on the receiving end of the greatest cheating scandal in SFA history robbing you of a rightful premiership in just your second season. And despite years of sharing a whoretree and locker room with Freofalcon you somehow manage to stay disease free.

But if there was just one piece of advice from my wisdom I can part to you I recommend that you...and I cannot stress this seriously enough you little flog...do not, I repeat DO NOT get drunk and post finger selfies at midnight in your team thread.”


warriors 20.jpg


After a brief discussion with the others, TIF escorts zackah to the phone booth. We get in and kick this bastard love child between Telstra and Doctor Who into action. It starts getting a bit cramped in there, and the velocity of the travel throws us around a bit.

warriors 21.jpg


We next land on a city street. A horse and carriage is making its way past us as a figure in a grey suit carrying a cane walks towards us. TIF recognises this as Sigmund Freofalcon and, like the others, he instinctively knows that I am after his advice to his younger monkey god.

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“To my dearest younger Falc.

There is going to come a day when you will be beach fishing, on a lovely Sunday morning, with RU_ and he is going to mention participating in an online game known as the SFA. He is going to excitedly explain how much fun it is talking gobshite all week. You will explain that’s what the bay if for. It’s better than the bay he will reply. On a Sunday some computer algorithm simulates a game of footy and you all sit on the edge of your seats waiting for a result. You’re going to think to yourself why you would want to. Sounds like something a bunch of basement dwellers who like the taste of their own bellybutton lint would do. But you will give it a crack and you will join a team called the Roys.

Fast forward a season of doing fu** all as it’s all a bit s**t really, you will get the call up from the Wazzas. You will join and be a part of a wonderful group of posters. No one takes this thing too seriously and we can all take the mick out of each other and of ourselves. You are going to meet some people through this thing and you will always be appreciative about that.

There’s not really much more I can tell you. Besides the handful of good people you will be acquainted with, the rest of it is like watching a Freo game. Yep, Freo are still s**t. Don't get your hopes up. The SFA does kill a few minutes a day but then again so does having a s**t.

Oh and by the way, you be asked to go and get Nandos one night in the not too distant future. Do not leave your wallet and phone on the roof of your car when you drive off, you twat.


Love you long time.

Older, fatter and greyer Falc”


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harry000 the Kid has had enough of this psychobabble bullshit so he lassoes FreoFalcon into the phone booth, and away we go again.

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The next place we go to is what looks like the set of some period drama you find on SBS at 11pm. Really decadent areas.

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And holding centre stage is Dinsdale, where he’s reciting his advice to his rookie self to the audience…

“Dinsdale! wake up when you're talking to me.
This is your future self, writing back to me at the start of your rookie season in SFA.
Some info for you to have a hopefully better season than I did/do/will.
- The Warriors are undoubtedly the best side in the comp, you won’t regret joining them instead of all the others who were/are/will be after you.
- the sim is reported to be purely random, it doesn’t take into account...well…anything really, when deciding outcomes. but a certain RJB pointed out that true randomness can only come from the quantum level and you already know/will knew this, so their random generator is compromised.
- don’t spam the game match threads, it will get you nowhere but annoyed.
- your team will start with 3 good wins, but then crumble in a heap, don’t worry, a premiership will come soon, don’t ask you how me knows.
- some players to keep an eye on. TJASTA is a positive PAI. The Bombers are the spammiest. Harry000 will disappear in mysterious circumstances.
- start a competition based on the SFA, it will be the best, much better than tipping or anything, call it Margin Mania.
- don’t go near anyone with a cough or sore throat, and get enough brewing supplies to see you through about 6 months of not being able to go to the pub, so 3 tonnes of grain etc.
- when you try out the time machine be careful, it only works once.
- sorry I'm not giving you any lotto numbers, that would make life too easy.

Cheers
You/Me.”


Dragging Dinsdale away from his fan base takes a lot of effort but we finally get him into the phone booth, and the journey continues.

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We next find ourselves in an old church. Somebody is praying on their knees, saying “I said God, I said Lord, I said God, I said love…” They introduce themselves as comewhatmay, and say to me…

“It’s not real.”

I offer my hand and drag them into the phone booth, before TIF gets it going again.

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Now the next stop in my journey of discovery is a bit far-fetched, but go with me on this. We land in front of the Saint Helena Island Bowlarama. We go inside where it seems as though NaturalDisaster is enjoying his exile a bit too much. He’s on his way to a score of 270, and letting the local kids know all about it.

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In between bowling he’s throwing in advice to the kids, believing that somebody on this remote island may be able to take over his legacy…

“Alright S22 ND, listen up.

Your posts are awfully cringey and horrible, get better.

You don’t get the league now, but eventually you’ll get to know the stories, the history, the people. Have some patience.

Do not take s**t personally or serious. Everything said should be taken with a grain of salt, see that guy
Noobz0r? He will try to get under your skin, don’t give in!

Be nice to
fumbler
, he will be your captain one day.

Oh and, if you’re going to request an account ban, let your captain know you inconsiderate *******, and don’t do it only hours before team sheet submission deadline.

Do these things, and one day you might be something.”


We approach ND and explain that by taking him with us he will no longer be in exile. He responds by throwing a bowling ball at the kids and shouting “SO LONG LOSERS!” and before too long we have another Wazza in the phone booth.

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The phone booth now lands in an office where there’s an open door to a second room. Inside that room two men are talking. TIF says that one of them is BEEG, who he describes as a straight-shooter who doesn’t stray too far from goal. I squeeze out of the phone booth and overhear what BEEG is telling the other man…

“My main advice is try to be a character who is similar to yourself, find a couple of senior posters and learn from them how they post etc.

That's my main advice and obviously don't take yourself to seriously.”


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I grab him and give him the Tokyo subway treatment into the phone booth. TIF’s having trouble dialing in the next destination but gets there in the end.

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We next find ourselves in a North Korean yurt, where a Warrior of old is talking to a group of women…

“Firstly, how the hell am i still a notable poster? Is the league really that bad?

I would tell myself to not join the SFA.”


TIF tells me that this is DapperJong. He is handy with weapons of all sizes, from baseball bats to missiles.

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I tempt him to join us in the phone booth by dangling a Mandu in front of him.

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By now the phone booth is pretty chockers. TIF admits that he’s no longer fully in control of it, saying “It’s never as good and never as bad as it seems”, so we all collectively push it through the space-time continuum.
 
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Coney Island Warriors part 3
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The phone booth lands next in a forest near a castle. The clean air fills our lungs after being cooped up in the phone booth. That is until the waft of a native fart permeates the air.

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I begin to blame the fart on zackah before the real culprit waddles in our direction – a rare fat-arsed wombat. TIF tells me that this the Frankston Rover, a legendary creature whose advice I would do well to take in. I nervously approach Frank, thinking that somebody with such a storied history would have no time for a rookie like me. On the contrary however, he generously plays along with my request to give his joey self with wisdom gained over many seasons…

“Dear Frankie,

Congratulations on your debut. The Koalas are a fantastic club, one that I'm sure you'll love being a part of for many years to come.

Just kidding, they fold in about 12 weeks, a giant steaming mess of a club. You'll then create the Sharks, who are an underrated club that deserved better.

You'll become a premiership player at the Hawks and then, after a brief hiatus, you'll produce your pièce de résistance, the Coney Island Warriors.

It's a wild ride but please try and remember these three Frankston rover Top Life Lessons:
Lesson 1: The sim is a campaigner but the sim is always right.
Lesson 2: Don't take it too seriously. You will though.
Lesson 3: If it's not fun, don't do it. It'll still be here when you want to come back.

As for regrets, none really except my behaviour in a certain Royal Rumble. Sorry
fitzroybowiedog.

Regards,

Future Frankston Rover
Hall of Famer and General Big Deal


Pretty soon TIF poaches Frank into the phone booth before walking towards the walls of the castle with me, where pantsredacted approaches us. He tells us that it’s time to pick up the women. We ask which women he’s referring to, he says “Why, Wooshette and Cadaver of course. Here they come now.”

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Pants goes on to tell TIF & I that the advice provided by Wooshette & Cadaver is best expressed as a vindaloo – fiery, full of fresh ingredients, can make you sweat, are better if prepared properly rather than being rushed, and has the potential to make you s**t yourself if you’re not used to them.

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We introduce ourselves to the women. They ask us if we like vindaloo and we reply by saying that we love it, but TIF asks them to leave the coriander out as it is the Kanye West of herbs. Wooshette tells him to “put up with it, flog”. TIF says that “It’s not ideal, we support the person and challenge the behaviour” and eventually agrees. Cadaver then says that to come with us on our journey of discovery, we need to obtain the approval of the lord of the castle, so we go inside to find him.

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We soon find Lord roo2macca, and after greeting him in the traditional rib-tickling manner, explain our journey of discovery. With alcohol on his golden breath, he tells us that he’d be happy to help and, tilting his head back and roaring with laughter, he provides some advice to himself…

“Dear rookie2macca,

Haha, get it? I made a pun on your name by adding kie to the end of roo!... moving on then.

You've come a long way since your first season back in 18. A club hopper, a utility, being part of a leadership group but there's a few regrets you will make. The Dragons with the S20 NWO was great value and it give you a flag (albeit a tainted one) but the quality would go their own ways and you'd be stuck with alcoholics and posting pics of redheads on Wednesday. You needed to leave them sooner!

Then there was the Demons. Not too shabby. Then a leader at the Gumbies who constantly missed team submission deadlines. Wake up!

All in all, a good time will be had but out of the Dragons you will be glad. Nice rhyme! I've had some beers though speaking of...

Maybe It's the beer talking but you got a butt that won't quit, they got these big chewy pretzels yfrerddd l ui 8 tdds what $5? Get outta here.

P.S I am gay”


As pants leads Lord roo2macca and the women back to the phone booth, TIF feels compelled to head down to the basement. I let him go ahead of me, thinking he needs to use the toilet. He calls for me to follow however, saying that he’s found somebody else. “Besides,” he continues, “I don’t flush anything down the toilet”. Weird flex but OK.

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We walk into a dimly-lit basement with a large table in it. At the far end is sitting Smoooothy, a jovial figure despite his menacing appearance. He says that the basement is locked and to escape we need to defeat him in a game of Qattleship. I open the basement door and tell him that he’s full of s**t, but TIF says “there’s no witch-hunt here” and tells me to stay as Smoooothy has some advice to share…

“smoooothy old mate, there is one valuable piece of advice I would give your younger self - don't join the bombers. the culture was awful and it wasn't a good fit for you. be lured to the whore tree my friend

(smoooothy played 1 cracking season for the bombers back in around season 15, finished 7th in the BF and should have won the team rookie of the year award but was passed over for Shermy from memory - not that I’m dirty about it)


hope that’s suitable”

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Thankful for the advice given, I agree to play Qattleship. It turns out Smoooothy isn’t a very good Qattleship player. He just kept calling “B-4” each turn he had, and TIF would keep replying “I feel like I’ve already answered that question”. After the game reaches its inevitable conclusion, we convince Smoooothy to join us.

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When we get back to the phone booth it looks as though Dinsdale is giving the others some pills of dubious origin, for which there is an eager customer base. He tells TIF and I that the pills will help with coping with the turbulence of time travel. I ask TIF whether this is true, and he tells me “I left my crystal ball at home.” We cram back into the phone booth and leave the castle.

We land in a shopping centre car park, and once everybody piles out of the phone booth I quickly recognise where we are. I see the K Corral, and behind that Van Cortlandt Plaza. We’re back in Coney Island! TIF, pants & I head to the Whore Tree while the rest of the Wazzas make their way into the shopping centre.

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Making the short walk to Van Cortlandt Park, we get to the Whore Tree just in time to see another tree run away.

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Looking at the Whore Tree itself, it seems to be weary. It has lost its leaves, its bark is pale and there’s some sap dripping down to the ground. I ask TIF and pants whether the Whore Tree is alright. Pants says “Absolutely! In fact I think you’ll find that thanks to the gENTleman visitor that just left, our Whore Tree is now with sapling!!” I turn to TIF to ask whether he condones this behaviour, and he replies by saying “I sit here very comfortable with my integrity and my honour”.

Assured that the Whore Tree is safe, we check back with the rest of the Wazzas in Van Cortlandt Plaza, and it seems as though they’re enjoying themselves…

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TIF gets the Wazzas together, thanks them for helping me with my rookie year and sends them away to start their off season training. They all laugh collectively before waving goodbye and head to the Coney Island Arms for a night of Wooshette's vindaloo and Dinsdale's homebrew.

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As this is happening, TIF takes me aside and asks me what my thoughts are on the Coney Island Warriors as a team. I tell him that we are in some ways a contradiction. Our history is individually diverse yet collectively shared. We can be turbulent, and like coriander not to everybody’s taste initially, but with a bit of time (and some of Dinsdale's pills) there’s nowhere else you’ll want to be. And with the Whore Tree expecting, the future’s looking bright.

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I tell TIF that that there’s one last stop for me to make before I finish my rookie year, so as we say our farewells with some aggressive air guitar* TIF throws me the keys to the DeWhorean. “Make us proud, Bobby” he tells me. As I step into the car for one final spin I reply that I’m just taking it one post at a time.

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[*EDITOR'S NOTE: I am merely a padawan when it comes to making pictures. TheInjuryFactory is the GOAT, as this gif shows]
 
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