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Articles you probably won't read in 2001

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Adelaide: The Crows Pose - Put 'Em Through Their Paces, No Ayres Or Graces

New Crows Captain Mark Riccuito has spoken out against the performances the Crows have been producing this year. Riccuito believes that the Crows would be better suited to play the tough, hard, attacking football that he has always produced. He stated "While I have the upmost respect for our coach and his football knowledge, I think this club has two equally viable alternatives as far as playing strategy goes. We can play my honest hard working tough as teak style or we can carry on with Gary's 'namby pamby' shit-for-brains style!" The football world is holding its breath waiting to see which option the Crows take.
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Essendon: I Hird That! Don't Get Sheedy With Me!

Sources within the Bombers club have added weight to the claims of a recent difference of opinion between coach and captain of the reigning premiers. After losing three of their last four matches, the master of rewriting odds Sheedy publicly gave his star thoroughbred a serve saying he needed to add some steel to his leadership and should act more like a rogue stallion and less like a high priced gelding! Hird when told of the remarks later retorted, "Easy for him to say, It's easier to lose the ball than it is to get it back!"
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Carlton: Optus Oval Renamed Great Brittain?

In an effort to heighten his profile and get his players to respect him, Blues coach Wayne Brittain has created an uproar by proposing that Optus Oval could change its name to 'Great Brittain' as a tribute to him. When the smoke had cleared, John Elliott responded by saying "Yes of course, and we could rename the corporate boxes 'Wayne's World' and serve nothing but Pig's Arse." Latest reports suggest that Brittain has abandoned his plans.
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North Melbourne: Calthorpe Sacrificed In Pagan Ritual

Incensed at an apparent lack of fitness in the club after a recent loss, Roos coach Denis Pagan ordered fitness assessments on all his players. In a planned annual ritual Pagan likes to call 'trimming the fat of the lamb', the result of the assessments has seen David Calthorpe sacked from the club. The departure may have come soon enough to salvage the clubs season but it did not come soon enough to console former player, Mick "The Galloping Gasometer" Nolan who has lost his much cherished weight record.
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Collingwood: Malthouse In Outhouse With Buckley's Chance Of Getting Out

The battle of the egos is on in earnest at Victoria Park. When club Captain Nathan Buckley suggested the other players were not pulling their own weight and that he should be Vice-Captain as well as Captain, he then stormed out of the ground when Coach Malthouse allegedly replied, "The Moose is slow but the squirrel is dead!" The conflict was partially resolved when President Eddie McGuire gave Malthouse an ultimatum, a 50/50 win loss record for the season or you're gone. When McGuire offered Buckley a lifeline, he refused because he had no hope of phoning a friend.
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Melbourne: I see your Schwarz is as Big As Mine!

While preaching from his podium in the club dressing rooms, about the ever expanding dimensions of the teams forward line satellite, the demons own space station, Joseph Gutnick came crashing down to earth when he slipped and fell to the floor. Club officials and players came rushing to his aid as soon as they had pocketed all of the loose change that had fallen out of his pockets. When the President recovered consciousness, he was asked if he had more money to hand out to those who had missed out on the loose coins. When Mr Gutnick produced unsigned I.O.U slips, citing a lack of funds, he was promptly bundled into a taxi, without money and sent to Geelong.
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Richmond: One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four!

To arrest the recent slide in form at Tigerland, coach Danny 'Spud' Frawley has instructed his players to emulate his tough no-frills playing style exhibited during his semi-illustrious career. Frawley said that he would stop short of genetic cloning but would not rule it out in the future. When reminded that cloning would increase the amount of Kellaways he had to tell apart, double the suspensions for Rory Hilton and team injuries he had to endure, Frawley said he would go back to the drawing board. He could handle the injuries and suspensions, he just couldn't face finishing 9th twice in one season.
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Geelong: Ding Dong Dell, the Pussy's Are In The Well. Who'll Pull Them Out? That Sammy Newman Lout?

Geelong's total lack of direction and strategy this season has forced them to take a good hard look at themselves. Former captain Barry Stoneham has suggested that maybe the Cats could do with the occasional abusive roasting from the likes of former club great Sam Newman after all.
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Fremantle: Can You Hear The Drum Fernando?

It appears that the recent trend of straying from the coaches game plan at Freo is due to the fact that the Docker players can not hear their coach Damian Drum addressing them pre-match, ¼ Time, ½ Time, ¾ Time, post-match or anytime at all. Drum himself puts it down to constant background noises drowning him out everytime he tried to speak. He advises that the noise had not been present at the last team session and also that Ric Charlesworth was not present at the session for the first time this year because of car trouble.
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Hawthorn: Horrid Hawks Need To Be Schwabbed

After yet another unfathomable reversal of form on the football field, the Hawthorn hierarchy has insisted that regular drug tests be conducted on all players. The Hawks coach Peter Schwab believes that it is inexcusable that a side with so much potential can produce performances that fluctuate so wildly from one week to the next. Club Captain Shane Crawford insists that the problem has been blown out of proportion. He states "What people need to realise is that potential really means that we suck big time right now but it needn't always be that way!"
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West Coast: Judge Not, Lest You Be Judged

After the dust had settled after their last dismal loss, West Coast Coach Ken Judge turned his frustration on to his players saying it was their fault that his revolutionary tactics were not working and they made him look bad. He then came up with a severe disciplinary action. The players had to allocate points in a number of skill and intelligence categories to the rest of the team. The player with the lowest tally would be made an example of and be sacked from the club. When the votes were tallied, it was Judge himself who was given his marching orders by the players. Sources claim that Judge began to trudge off but then turned to protest that he wasn't included in the voting but someone had locked the door behind him.
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Brisbane: Lethal Lapses Lie Lions Low

The Brisbane Lions have been desperately searching for the reason why their multi-talented team just can't produce the results when it really needs to. After much consultation with specialists, the club is thrilled to find the answers to their frustrating problem. It seems that most of the club is suffering from the debilitating disease, Chronic Ego Syndrome. It seems the condition manifests itself immediately after a spectacular win and renders the players unable to perform the following week. Club veteran Alastair Lynch is currently trialing a new drug to combat the illness.
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Western Bulldogs: More Bull Than Dogs!

Widely criticised for their 2001 strategy of all style, no substance that has coach Terry Wallace lamenting that he should have recruited players with style first, the Western Bulldogs have given extra responsibility to Tony Liberatore to return the club to its fearsome best. The club has not revealed its full plans as yet, only stating that Libber's involvement is merely scratching the surface.
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Sydney: Sickly Swans More Like Ugly Ducklings

From a city with so much to be proud of in September last year, the contrast in mood is immeasurable. Their beloved Sydney Swans have had a dismal season so far and the club has no idea what has gone wrong. From the opening bounce of the season, the Swans performances have steadily declined every week. The players have appeared fragile and almost ill on the field. Worried Coach Rodney Eade believes the problem is part mental and part physical. He has vowed to step up the training regime he implemented at the start of the year. More swimming drills at Bondi Beach and more camps at Homebush.
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Port Power: A Port In Any Storm

After their most recent interstate thrashing the Power have turned to NRL club, Melbourne Storm, to instill some toughness into the side. After the hefty loss, coach Mark Williams quipped "I don't understand it, they can run like whippets but they don't have any tackle!!" When asked if he was referring to their poor defensive record, Williams snapped angrily "Don't twist my words, you heard what I said!"
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St Kilda: You Would Have To Have The Patience Of A Saint

The Saints struggling for ideas to try to improve their abysmal record of one flag in 104 seasons are open to ideas from anywhere. "Where can we find the secret ingredient" asks the legendary player, coach and one and only Blight on the game. "We have looked up high, down Loewe. We've even looked out the back of Burke." He went on to say that they even left a suggestion box out the front of Waverley Park but got no responses! What are they doing wrong?



[This message has been edited by The Old Dark Navy's (edited 13 January 2001).]
 
Go ODNs!
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Well Done ODN's.

Now, tell us......did you make it up yourself, or did you cut and paste it from somewhere?

I suppose it doesn't really matter because it is entertaining reading anyway, but I was just curious.
 

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  • #5
I came up with it myself while driving from the Gold Coast to Brisbane and back earlier today. Had a couple of ideas that made me smile and just became obsessed with the idea. Tiger Tank's recent postings inspired me a little to come up with something.
 
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Originally posted by Grendel:
Very good ODN, the only thing wrong is that i think your wrong. There will be some hack journo who will probably steal a few of your headlines now that they have been published! Get a copyright going, quick!!

Thanks Grendel. Forget copyright. With fine upstanding members of the community on these boards to verify that they saw it here first
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Originally posted by The Old Dark Navy's:
I came up with it myself while driving from the Gold Coast to Brisbane and back earlier today.

Typing away at the laptop while you were driving, huh?

Does everyone drive that in Queensland?

Hope you didn't kill anyone.



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**floreat pica**
 
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No Alf, It was all swimming around my head, I had to grab a pen at each end of the journey to get it all on paper as soon as I could. Some of us still use pen and paper you know! I know it may not be so with the latest generation but we once learned to form letters ourselves instead of the computer doing it automatically
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Still doesn't change the fact that my mind was a little preoccupied on things other than pedantic road rules
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so I let my other half drive. She was automatically suspicious because I never let her drive!
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and when I started jotting little notes with that solitary pen we keep in the car that barely works on an old envelope, she thought I was making notes on her driving
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Well, ODN. All I can say is I'm relieved to know that!!!

Actually, I'm a member of the pen and paper generation myself ... some would probably accuse me of being more like the chisel and stone generation, but anyway ...

I spend a lot of my time on the computer these days and I find that it actually feels really strange to use pen and paper now.

But pen and paper is a great way to get your ideas down quickly, especially when your typing skills are as bad as mine.

I also grew up in an era when typing was considered to be a girl's skill. So I've never really learned to type properly. As a result, I'm as slow as Sav Rocca on valium ... and I always have to go back and correct all the mistakes. Very annoying.

And as for the road rules ... uggghhhhh. I actually have to sit for my learner's permit test on Thursday. I'm a dedicated public transport user ... but my new job, which I'll be starting soon, involves a lot of touring ... and I'll be expected to help with the driving. So, I'm stuggling through the VicRoads booklet ... and my head is just swimming with all the pedantic crap that drivers have to know about.

Gawd strewth. No wonder there's so many car accidents ... driving is just so bloody complicated!!!

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**floreat pica**

[This message has been edited by AlfAndrews (edited 14 January 2001).]
 

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