Awesome...

Yianni

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Thread starter #1
Awesome...Simpsons quotes!

SIMPSON FAMILY MEMBERS QUOTES (in alphabetical order of name and also of first word) – this file also contains ‘brain-talk’ (when people talk to their brains – usually Homer) at the end
Last updated Nov. 14, ‘01

Note: when multiple characters are involved in a quote, I have tried to classify the quote under the most prominent character in the scene as much as possible.



Bart


Bart: And I'll start smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good job son, giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Here’s a dollar.
Lisa: But dad, he didn’t do anything!
Homer: Didn’t he, Lisa? Didn’t he? Wait a minute, he didn’t do anything, give me back my dollar!

Bart: Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Bart: As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy! You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches! Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo! Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches!
Bart: How did a lion get riches?
Homer: It was the olden days!
Bart: Oh!

[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!

Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

(Bart, about to audition to become Mr. Burns' heir) "Dad, I don't want to do this. And besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should be keeping an eye on."

Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.

Bart: Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No, really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are we all laughing about?
Homer: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways...

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Bart: "Hey Homer, this house sucks."
Homer: "Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me daddy."

Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.

Homer: How 'bout it, Bart? Would you like a backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can ALL burn evidence in it.

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Marge: I can’t believe you kids are so lazy!
Bart: We’re not lazy mom we’re just…finish my sentence, Lise.
Lisa: Finish your own damn…(snore)

[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

Bart: "I wanna follow in your footsteps."
Homer: "Do you wanna change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju!"
Bart: "I'll get back to you."

Bart: "I'm not calling you a liar but....I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."

[After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.]
Bart: It's craptacular.

Homer: Just win that race...I'll deal with those murderous trolls!
Bart: What?
Homer: Oh…I mean…I'll deal with those murderous trolls!

Marge: "Kids can be so cruel."
Bart: "We can? Thanks, Mom!"

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poisoned milk to school children.

Bart: "Look behind you Radioactive Man!"
Marge: "Why are you talking like that?"
Homer: "And who are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?"

Bart (on blackboard, on season premiere of 13th season): “Nobody reads these anymore"

Bart: "Oh, Jessica... Her IQ's 106, she reads on the 5th grade level... and her hair smells like fruit loops...ahhhhh."
Lisa: "Well, I eat fruit loops for breakfast!"

Homer: "Oh, no!! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?"
Bart: "I could take up smoking."
Homer: "You damn well better."

Bart: (looking at a globe) "So you mean, in countries like Argentina, or…Rand McNally, the toilets flush backwards?"
Lisa: "Yes, Bart…as a matter of fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people!"

Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.

Homer: Son, let me tell you a story...when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my father wouldn't buy me one. So I held my breath until I turned blue, blacked out and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor said there might be brain damage!
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories!

Homer: "There, there. Shut up, boy. We'll just get you a new dog!"
Bart: "I don't want a new dog! I want Santa's Little Helper!"
Homer: "Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back! Unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!"
Bart: "You're right. I'll do it!"
Homer: "Rats. I almost had him eating dog food."

(Simpsons are watching an East Indian movie with Apu that makes no sense)
Bart: This sucks.
Homer: No it doesn’t – it’s funny. His clothes are different from my clothes. Heh heh! Look what he’s wearin’!

Homer: Well, here we are. The whole family. All together, sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family can. Why, we're more than a...
Bart: Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on.
Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah.

Marge: Well if Milhouse jumped off a bridge, would you –
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a bridge? I’m there! (leaves)

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!

Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding…

Bart: What do you need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he'd had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.

Bart: Will the owner of a great big butt…please move it out of my face?

Bart(while watching Noah’s Ark the movie): Wow, God is so in your face.
Homer: Yeah, he's my favourite fictional character.

Bart: Wow! Pogo stilts! These are banned in 49 states! (he gets on them and they fly off)
Homer: (screaming in pain off-screen) Ow! Owwww! What happened?

Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!



Grandpa


Grandpa (letter): Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Marge: Grandpa, are you sitting in the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so.

Marge: Grandpa, why are there only 49 stars on that flag?
Grandpa: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

Homer: "He SPANKED you? YOU? Bart Simpson?"
Bart: I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.'
Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home.
Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions.

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

Grandpa: I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I had to take the ferry to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. I had an onion on my belt, because it was the style at the time. Of course, you couldn't get white onions, because of the war. You could only get the big yellow ones. Now the ferry ride to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days, cost a nickel, but back in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Gimme 5 bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now the important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time...

Homer: Oh dad, you’re just not with it.
Grandpa: I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me.

Grandpa - (runs into Bart's room with a stake in a Halloween episode) Kill the boy!
Marge - How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grandpa - He's a vampire?

Grandpa: "My son is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a cheat, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!"

Homer's Mom: "Oh Abe! You've aged terribly."
Grandpa: "Well, what do you expect. You left me to raise the boy."
Homer's mom: "Ya, but you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!"
Grandpa: "Well it was either that, or his mother was a wanted criminal. You were a terrible wife, and a lousy mother, and I'll never, never forgive you! Can we have sex?"
Homer's Mom: (Disgusted) "Oh Abe!"
Grandpa: "Well I tried. What's for dinner?"

Homer: Okay. Bart, since you broke Grandpa’s teeth, he gets to break your teeth.
Grandpa: Ohhhh…this is gonna be sweet.

Bart: Tell us a story, Grandpa; you've led an interesting life.
Grandpa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a LOT of movies…

Grandpa: That's the Wright Brothers' plane! Charles Lindbergh flew it in Kitty Hawk in 1903 on a thimble full of corn oil! Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!

Grandpa: The lamp's running away.
Bart: That's my dog, man.
Grandpa: So long, lamp.

Grandpa: Well it all started in nineteen-dickety-six. We had to say dickety because the kaiser had stolen our word twenty. Ooh I had to chase that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-two miles!
Martin: Dickety! Ha! That's highly dubious!
Grandpa: Shut up, fatty! Too much pie, that's your problem!

Grandpa: "Why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the Queen of the old west. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did."

Grandpa: "You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place that I'm not sure I've ever been to."
Woman: "You're so sweet."
Grandpa: "Ooh..I feel all funny. I'm in loove!! No, wait..it's a stroke."

(Homer reminiscing about his childhood)
Grandpa: You’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride for some candy, I say ‘go for it’!
(Homer’s thought cloud disappears and he’s back to the present)
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood!

Grandpa: You're in luck, boy. I found a pharmacy that sells leeches. Well, it wasn't really a pharmacy. More of a bait shop!





Lisa


Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh…ooh…yeah…right, Lisa. A wonderful…magical animal.

Lisa: Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, dad? I mean a bridge did close on your head.
Homer: Nah, I'll just walk it off.

Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Lisa: (quickly) Bart and his friends rented a car with a fake ID and drove to Knoxville and then a giant tower with wigs fell on their car and they’re stranded and Bart just couried human eyeballs to Hong Kong!
(Homer's face turns red.)
Homer: Yes. That’s a real pickle. Will you excuse me for a second?
(He puts on the radiation mask and starts yelling like crazy until the mask fogs up. Then he takes it off.) Okay, I will send Bart the money to come home, and then I will murder him.

Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

Lisa: "By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away!"
Homer: "Oooh, and how does it work?"
Lisa: "It doesn't work!"
Homer: "Aha"
Lisa: "It's just a stupid rock!"
Homer: "Aha"
Lisa: "Well I don't see any tigers around here! Do you?"
Homer: "Lisa, I would like to buy your rock."

Lisa: (TV is on really loud) Can you guys turn that down?
Homer: Heh heh heh! If we wouldn’t turn it down for the cops, honey, what chance have you got?

Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You DO mean stealing, don't you?

Lisa: Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing an angel, there's no proof of that.
Homer: No-one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully, I never once used the word angel.
Lisa: What's that sign over there?
[It says Angel in big letters.]
Homer: That's a typo.

Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

(Homer chopping water softener with an axe instead of the computer that controls their evil computer-controlled house)
Lisa: Dad! That's our water softener!
Homer: Pfft! I am missing the back of my brain so cut me some slack Lisa!

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don't know.

Lisa: Don't you remember what we learned in the junior UN club? (Martin does his Finland dance) Not now Martin.

Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.

Lisa: "He's witty and sensitive and he sure doesn't care about looks."
Homer: "My ears are burning."
Lisa: "Umm..dad..we weren't talking about you."
Homer: "No, my ears are really burning. I tried to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip!"

Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.

Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven!
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK…eight!
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer runs into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhh!

Homer: I can see things are falling apart without me. Bart, you're man of the house. Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie becomes genius girl, dog fills in for Maggie. Marge, you're a consultant.
Lisa: Dad, have you been licking toads?
Homer: I'm not NOT licking toads.

[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.

Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I WANT TO HELP YOU, GEORGE WASHINGTON!
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.

Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart:You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart:Done.
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Bart:True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart:I'll bet.

Lisa (the family is disgusted with stretchy Muslix cereal) I'll get us out of this. Say dad do you wanna go see my project for the school science fair?
Homer-No Lisa (winks) But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy cereal (winks and runs off and pokes head in doorway and winks at Marge)

Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grandpa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.

Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax!
Lisa: That's the homeowner tax!
Homer: Well, anyway, I'm still outraged!

Homer: Lisa, Am I wearing pants?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: Perfect.

Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

[Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
[winks]

Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad's upstairs!
Homer: Ok Lisa, where do you want to go to dinner?
Lisa: Anywhere without burgers, pizza or fried chicken.
Homer: Ok fine, we'll go to Mars.
Lisa: "Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular...more so."
Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we DO believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV IS right. TV's ALWAYS right!

Homer: "The food was not undelicious."
Lisa, typing: "The food was delicious."
Homer: "(gasp) brilliant!"

Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa -- cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust—
Lisa: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her. We could go down to the casino and let her know…
Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to -- (takes a bite) -- let's go see Mom.

Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up lines like that?
Homer (on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Eh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening!
Lisa: We are not wieners!

Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.
 

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Yianni

Norm Smith Medallist
Joined
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Location
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Thread starter #2
Marge


Homer: (singing) 999 springs to flush down, 999 springs, take one out, swirl it about, 998 springs to flush down!
Marge: Homer, are you flushing those springs down the toilet?
Homer: No. 998 springs to flush down…

Marge: And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now THAT’S sarcasm.

Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Bart & Lisa: “Dad, dad, dad...can we go to Duff Gardens?”
Bart: “Oh, great. Dad’s dead.”
Marge: “(Gasp)...have you been eating that sandwich again?”
Homer: “Sand...wich.”
(Back in time, after the picnic.)
Marge: “Homer, I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.”
Homer (eating huge sandwich): “Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge.”
(After another week or so.)
Marge: “Homer, I really think you should throw this away.”
Homer: “Suggestion noted...(and he takes another bite.)”
(A few days later)
Homer: “Marge, I’d like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.”
Marge: “Are you gonna eat it?”
Homer: (pause) “Yes.”
(Present day)
Marge: “You look terrible.”
Homer: “I don’t care, I’m going to Duff Gardens…(then, he faints).”
(Later, kids are going to Duff Gardens and Homer points at sandwich)
Homer: “This is all your fault! I...oh, how could I stay mad at you?”

Marge: “Do you need a beer before going to bed?”
Homer: “Thank you, that’d be nice.”
Marge: “Do you ever hide beer around the house.”
Homer: “Do I ever...(he grabs a hidden beer from the toilet).”
Marge: “Do you ever drink to escape reality?”
(Homer starts imagining himself as being buff and he’s flexing his muscles in front of the mirror and singing the can-can song)

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself!
Homer: Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts!
Marge: Sorry, sorry!

Marge: Homer, I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: I won't. Now, I am going to go out…to stalk…Lenny and…Carl. D'oh! (runs off)

Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?

Marge: Homer, I have to go out and pick up something for dinner.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Money's too tight for steak.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Yeah sure…steak.

Marge: Homer, is that my good butter?
Homer: Quiet Marge! I'm trying to work. And now to write another delicious memo. Mmmmmmmmm...memo.

Marge: Homer, just because you were asked to be in a freak show, doesn’t mean you have to be!
Homer: Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God.

Marge: Homer, we need to talk.
Homer: But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.

Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous!
Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?
Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere.

Marge: Homer's a very complicated man.
Homer: [smashing a plate over his head] WRONG!

Marge: I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping, and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around!
Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba… [gets into bed] Eh, good-night.

Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Marge: Homer, of all the stupid things you’ve done over the years…this is somewhere in the middle.

(Homer returns home with car, car looks half-destroyed)
Marge: Homer, the car wasn’t like that when you left!
Homer: You're livin' in the past Marge, you're livin' in the past!

Marge: Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge: "Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!"
Homer: "Batman?"
Marge: "No, he's a scientist."
Homer: "Batman's a scientist."
Marge: "It's not Batman!"

Homer: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
Marge: What kooky projects?
Homer: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.

Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.
Marge: Rrrr…

Marge: I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides.
Homer: Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides: so many memories.

Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

[Homer lies in a drunken heap.]
Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
Homer: Why, what did you do?

Homer: "I've never wanted a beer more in my life"
Marge: "Here you go."
Homer: "Aww. I love you so much."
Marge: "Are you talking to me or the beer?"
Homer: "You, my bubbly, long-necked, beechwood-aged lover.”

Homer: If he didn't steal the church collection plate money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
Marge: Those were the clothes he wore to church!
Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.

Marge: It's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!

Homer: Marge, we need to talk. You're spending too much time at the casino and I think you may have a problem.
Marge: I won sixty dollars last night!
Homer: Woo-hoo! Problem solved.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: Mmmm…64 slices of American cheese…(eating) 63…(eating) 62…(much later)…2 (eating in pain)…1 (more pain)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I’m blind.
Mr. Burns (Mr. Burns and Smithers fall from ceiling): Good day to you (they run out)

Marge: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer: Marge, look! The world's best jacket. If I had this, it would show everybody! Show everybody!

Marge: No one told us how hard it was to raise kids.
Homer: Then We figured out we could just park them in front of the TV. That’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Homer: No TV no beer make Homer something something...
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don’t mind if I do!

Marge: No! Those video games cost up to and including 70 dollars, and they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork!
Bart: Mom!
Homer: Oh Bart, when I was your age, I wanted an electronic football game so bad. Until finally, one day my parents got it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, good night, son!

Marge: Oh Homer, you’re not fat -- just big-boned.
Homer: Marge, no one gains 30 pounds of bones.

(guy in Cirque de Puree audience gets picked out from the audience and flies around and he has a wire on his back) Marge: Oh, they always pick the guy with the wire.

Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Marge (After cutting off Homer’s thumb): Sorry!
Homer: Sorries don't put thumbs back on hands, Marge!

Homer: Stand aside, Marge! I'm taking the boy deer hunting! He's going to grow up straight, for once!
Marge: What? You never went hunting before, and you're perfectly straight!
Homer: Oh yeah? How long since you've had a baby?

Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.

Marge: This chair is $2,000! We could buy a whole living room set for that.
Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

Marge: This should be a time…for communication.
Homer: That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur!

Marge: "Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy."
Homer: "Ooooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!" (slams door, then opens it again) "In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic!"
Marge: Well, duh!

Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

Marge: What are you doing?
Homer: Achieving financial stability.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: (sarcastically) No, through savings and wise investments, of course with grease!

Marge: Why are you frosting that throw pillow?
Homer: I could ask you the same question.
Marge: Should I just back out of the room?
Homer: Would you?

Marge: Why do you have so many bowling balls?
Homer: Uhh... Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge.... So long!
(Homer runs out the door, slams it, and drives away)

Marge: "You are a member of a very exclusive club."
Homer: "The Black Panthers?"

Homer - "You have a gambling problem."
Marge - "That's true. Will you forgive me?"
Homer - "Sure.....Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing because YOU have a gambling problem. And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well, YOU have a gambling problem!"

Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get BEATEN UP.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.



Brain talk (this is almost always Homer’s Brain but the odd time, it’s someone else’s)


Marge: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day. [serves Homer breakfast of eggs and bacon, spelling out ``I love you'']
Brain: Special day!? Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy-talk.
Marge: [smile gradually fades from her face]
Brain: She's getting impatient! Take a stab at it!
Homer: Happy…Valentine's Day…
Marge: [rubbing his head] (*squeak*) (*squeak*) Aw, thank you, dear.
Homer: Woohoo!

Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain, brain.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: WOO HOO!

(Homer receives the telephone bill)
Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Brain: Quiet, it might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.
Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Homer: [out of breath] Here's your package, Mr. Burns.
Burns: [sputters] My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate. Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Brain: Oh, I've worked here for ten years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's gonna change right now!
Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp -- ow! [Burns pushes a red button; a 1000g weight falls on Homer] -- son.
Burns: [muttering] Hmm, sounded large when I ordered it. [sighs] I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.


Homer: "Hey Bart, you didn't eat your spaghetti and Moe balls!"
Homer's Brain: "Shut up you fool! They can be ours!"
Homer: "Run boy! Run for your life…boy!"

Marge: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. [reads a list] Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world
domination –
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
Brain: Mental note: the girl knows too much.

(Skinner has just revealed his biggest secret, everybody's shocked)
Brain: Keep looking shocked, and move slowly towards the cake.

(At home, knowing Bart will ask him to go to the rafting trip)
Bart [to himself] Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him and he'll say "No." Then it'll be his fault.
Homer: [to himself] I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, "Yes!"
Homer’s Brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
Bart : [through clenched teeth] Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me.
Homer: [through clenched teeth] Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you.
Both : D'oh!

(After Homer crashes the family's two cars)
Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar! Ahhh! But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Brain: Heh heh heh. I woulda never thought of that.

Big Brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam)
Pepe: "You don't have a big brother for me yet? Aww... I'll just come back in an hour..."
Homer: "Awwwww....I'll take him! Do you have him in blonde?"

Homer: [singing] Oh Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking, but I sent you Ben Gay. Oh Andy, you kissed me and stopped me from something, and I -- [sees Lisa watching] Uh oh.
Lisa : Dad, why are you singing?
Brain: Tell a lie, tell a lie.
Homer: Um, because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start.
Brain: Bravo. [sarcastic clapping]

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh, my God!
Brain: No, the other secret!
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Oh, Homer…but that doesn’t explain why you ate my soaps…or maybe it does.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer’s Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer’s Brain: Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer’s Brain: My God! He <is> coming onto me!
Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle] [wink]
Homer’s Brain: Aaaaaagh!
Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Homer: (as his dog chases George Bush) Well I'd say that dog is barking up the wrong bush!
Homer's Brain: Good job, Homer. That’s the cleverest thing you’ll ever say and no one was around to hear it.
Homer: D’oh!

Flanders: Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson! How long have you been here?
Homer : Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.
Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise -- [shows Homer a card] season pass! It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella',
you've got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here... [Homer's brain gets bored]
Brain : [moans] You can stay if you want, but I'm leaving.
[brain floats away; Homer is now staring blankly]
Flanders: ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. [Homer collapses]
Flanders: Oh, my! I'd better get you some cider.

Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing. [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything] Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: [panicky] I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: Aah! [Runs off]

Burns: Who the devil are you?
Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
Brain: D'oh!

(At Lenny's house, Homer, Lenny, Carl, Barney and Moe are playing poker)
Lenny: You want another card or not?
Homer: Huh? Oh, OK. I'll take three. [Moe deals them] D'oh! D'oh!
D'oh! I mean...woo hoo.
Moe : I'm in. [tosses a chip into the pot] Let's see your cards.
Homer: Oh, I was bluffing. [shows them]
Moe : Ha ha. Come to papa -- wait a minute! You have a straight flush, Homer! You do this every time, you -- oh, you -- oh! Gah! I'm choking on my own rage here.
Carl : Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just 'cause he's a little slow...
[Homer gasps]
Brain: Something was said...not good. What was it? "Don't yell at Homer!" No, that's OK. What was it? ...Slow! They called you slow!
Homer: [stands up, yells] How dare you call me that! I -- huh?
[Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing night cap]
Lenny: [opens fridge] Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you ARE slow.
Brain: Something said...not good.
Lenny: Get the hell out of here!

Erin: Hey, I like your hat.
Lisa: A compliment!
Lisa's Brain: Scanning for sarcasm... it's clean! Go!

Lisa : Look, there's only one way to settle this. Rock-paper-scissors.
Lisa's brain: Poor predictable Bart. Always takes `rock'.
Bart's brain: Good ol' `rock'. Nuthin' beats that!
Bart: Rock!
Lisa : Paper.
Bart : D'oh!
 
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