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Awesome...Simpsons quotes!
SIMPSON FAMILY MEMBERS QUOTES (in alphabetical order of name and also of first word) – this file also contains ‘brain-talk’ (when people talk to their brains – usually Homer) at the end
Last updated Nov. 14, ‘01
Note: when multiple characters are involved in a quote, I have tried to classify the quote under the most prominent character in the scene as much as possible.
Bart
Bart: And I'll start smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good job son, giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Here’s a dollar.
Lisa: But dad, he didn’t do anything!
Homer: Didn’t he, Lisa? Didn’t he? Wait a minute, he didn’t do anything, give me back my dollar!
Bart: Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Bart: As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy! You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches! Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo! Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches!
Bart: How did a lion get riches?
Homer: It was the olden days!
Bart: Oh!
[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!
Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
(Bart, about to audition to become Mr. Burns' heir) "Dad, I don't want to do this. And besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should be keeping an eye on."
Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.
Bart: Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No, really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are we all laughing about?
Homer: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways...
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Bart: "Hey Homer, this house sucks."
Homer: "Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me daddy."
Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.
Homer: How 'bout it, Bart? Would you like a backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can ALL burn evidence in it.
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Marge: I can’t believe you kids are so lazy!
Bart: We’re not lazy mom we’re just…finish my sentence, Lise.
Lisa: Finish your own damn…(snore)
[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.
Bart: "I wanna follow in your footsteps."
Homer: "Do you wanna change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju!"
Bart: "I'll get back to you."
Bart: "I'm not calling you a liar but....I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."
[After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.]
Bart: It's craptacular.
Homer: Just win that race...I'll deal with those murderous trolls!
Bart: What?
Homer: Oh…I mean…I'll deal with those murderous trolls!
Marge: "Kids can be so cruel."
Bart: "We can? Thanks, Mom!"
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poisoned milk to school children.
Bart: "Look behind you Radioactive Man!"
Marge: "Why are you talking like that?"
Homer: "And who are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?"
Bart (on blackboard, on season premiere of 13th season): “Nobody reads these anymore"
Bart: "Oh, Jessica... Her IQ's 106, she reads on the 5th grade level... and her hair smells like fruit loops...ahhhhh."
Lisa: "Well, I eat fruit loops for breakfast!"
Homer: "Oh, no!! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?"
Bart: "I could take up smoking."
Homer: "You damn well better."
Bart: (looking at a globe) "So you mean, in countries like Argentina, or…Rand McNally, the toilets flush backwards?"
Lisa: "Yes, Bart…as a matter of fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people!"
Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.
Homer: Son, let me tell you a story...when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my father wouldn't buy me one. So I held my breath until I turned blue, blacked out and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor said there might be brain damage!
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories!
Homer: "There, there. Shut up, boy. We'll just get you a new dog!"
Bart: "I don't want a new dog! I want Santa's Little Helper!"
Homer: "Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back! Unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!"
Bart: "You're right. I'll do it!"
Homer: "Rats. I almost had him eating dog food."
(Simpsons are watching an East Indian movie with Apu that makes no sense)
Bart: This sucks.
Homer: No it doesn’t – it’s funny. His clothes are different from my clothes. Heh heh! Look what he’s wearin’!
Homer: Well, here we are. The whole family. All together, sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family can. Why, we're more than a...
Bart: Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on.
Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah.
Marge: Well if Milhouse jumped off a bridge, would you –
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a bridge? I’m there! (leaves)
Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.
Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding…
Bart: What do you need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he'd had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.
Bart: Will the owner of a great big butt…please move it out of my face?
Bart(while watching Noah’s Ark the movie): Wow, God is so in your face.
Homer: Yeah, he's my favourite fictional character.
Bart: Wow! Pogo stilts! These are banned in 49 states! (he gets on them and they fly off)
Homer: (screaming in pain off-screen) Ow! Owwww! What happened?
Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!
Grandpa
Grandpa (letter): Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Marge: Grandpa, are you sitting in the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so.
Marge: Grandpa, why are there only 49 stars on that flag?
Grandpa: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!
Homer: "He SPANKED you? YOU? Bart Simpson?"
Bart: I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.'
Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home.
Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions.
Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.
Grandpa: I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I had to take the ferry to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. I had an onion on my belt, because it was the style at the time. Of course, you couldn't get white onions, because of the war. You could only get the big yellow ones. Now the ferry ride to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days, cost a nickel, but back in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Gimme 5 bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now the important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time...
Homer: Oh dad, you’re just not with it.
Grandpa: I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me.
Grandpa - (runs into Bart's room with a stake in a Halloween episode) Kill the boy!
Marge - How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grandpa - He's a vampire?
Grandpa: "My son is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a cheat, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!"
Homer's Mom: "Oh Abe! You've aged terribly."
Grandpa: "Well, what do you expect. You left me to raise the boy."
Homer's mom: "Ya, but you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!"
Grandpa: "Well it was either that, or his mother was a wanted criminal. You were a terrible wife, and a lousy mother, and I'll never, never forgive you! Can we have sex?"
Homer's Mom: (Disgusted) "Oh Abe!"
Grandpa: "Well I tried. What's for dinner?"
Homer: Okay. Bart, since you broke Grandpa’s teeth, he gets to break your teeth.
Grandpa: Ohhhh…this is gonna be sweet.
Bart: Tell us a story, Grandpa; you've led an interesting life.
Grandpa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a LOT of movies…
Grandpa: That's the Wright Brothers' plane! Charles Lindbergh flew it in Kitty Hawk in 1903 on a thimble full of corn oil! Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!
Grandpa: The lamp's running away.
Bart: That's my dog, man.
Grandpa: So long, lamp.
Grandpa: Well it all started in nineteen-dickety-six. We had to say dickety because the kaiser had stolen our word twenty. Ooh I had to chase that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-two miles!
Martin: Dickety! Ha! That's highly dubious!
Grandpa: Shut up, fatty! Too much pie, that's your problem!
Grandpa: "Why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the Queen of the old west. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did."
Grandpa: "You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place that I'm not sure I've ever been to."
Woman: "You're so sweet."
Grandpa: "Ooh..I feel all funny. I'm in loove!! No, wait..it's a stroke."
(Homer reminiscing about his childhood)
Grandpa: You’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride for some candy, I say ‘go for it’!
(Homer’s thought cloud disappears and he’s back to the present)
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood!
Grandpa: You're in luck, boy. I found a pharmacy that sells leeches. Well, it wasn't really a pharmacy. More of a bait shop!
Lisa
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh…ooh…yeah…right, Lisa. A wonderful…magical animal.
Lisa: Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, dad? I mean a bridge did close on your head.
Homer: Nah, I'll just walk it off.
Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Lisa: (quickly) Bart and his friends rented a car with a fake ID and drove to Knoxville and then a giant tower with wigs fell on their car and they’re stranded and Bart just couried human eyeballs to Hong Kong!
(Homer's face turns red.)
Homer: Yes. That’s a real pickle. Will you excuse me for a second?
(He puts on the radiation mask and starts yelling like crazy until the mask fogs up. Then he takes it off.) Okay, I will send Bart the money to come home, and then I will murder him.
Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Lisa: "By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away!"
Homer: "Oooh, and how does it work?"
Lisa: "It doesn't work!"
Homer: "Aha"
Lisa: "It's just a stupid rock!"
Homer: "Aha"
Lisa: "Well I don't see any tigers around here! Do you?"
Homer: "Lisa, I would like to buy your rock."
Lisa: (TV is on really loud) Can you guys turn that down?
Homer: Heh heh heh! If we wouldn’t turn it down for the cops, honey, what chance have you got?
Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You DO mean stealing, don't you?
Lisa: Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing an angel, there's no proof of that.
Homer: No-one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully, I never once used the word angel.
Lisa: What's that sign over there?
[It says Angel in big letters.]
Homer: That's a typo.
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
(Homer chopping water softener with an axe instead of the computer that controls their evil computer-controlled house)
Lisa: Dad! That's our water softener!
Homer: Pfft! I am missing the back of my brain so cut me some slack Lisa!
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don't know.
Lisa: Don't you remember what we learned in the junior UN club? (Martin does his Finland dance) Not now Martin.
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
Lisa: "He's witty and sensitive and he sure doesn't care about looks."
Homer: "My ears are burning."
Lisa: "Umm..dad..we weren't talking about you."
Homer: "No, my ears are really burning. I tried to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip!"
Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.
Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven!
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK…eight!
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer runs into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhh!
Homer: I can see things are falling apart without me. Bart, you're man of the house. Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie becomes genius girl, dog fills in for Maggie. Marge, you're a consultant.
Lisa: Dad, have you been licking toads?
Homer: I'm not NOT licking toads.
[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.
Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I WANT TO HELP YOU, GEORGE WASHINGTON!
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.
Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart:You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart
one.
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Bart:True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart:I'll bet.
Lisa (the family is disgusted with stretchy Muslix cereal) I'll get us out of this. Say dad do you wanna go see my project for the school science fair?
Homer-No Lisa (winks) But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy cereal (winks and runs off and pokes head in doorway and winks at Marge)
Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grandpa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax!
Lisa: That's the homeowner tax!
Homer: Well, anyway, I'm still outraged!
Homer: Lisa, Am I wearing pants?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: Perfect.
Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
[Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
[winks]
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad's upstairs!
Homer: Ok Lisa, where do you want to go to dinner?
Lisa: Anywhere without burgers, pizza or fried chicken.
Homer: Ok fine, we'll go to Mars.
Lisa: "Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular...more so."
Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we DO believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV IS right. TV's ALWAYS right!
Homer: "The food was not undelicious."
Lisa, typing: "The food was delicious."
Homer: "(gasp) brilliant!"
Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa -- cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust—
Lisa: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her. We could go down to the casino and let her know…
Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to -- (takes a bite) -- let's go see Mom.
Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up lines like that?
Homer (on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Eh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening!
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything
Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.
SIMPSON FAMILY MEMBERS QUOTES (in alphabetical order of name and also of first word) – this file also contains ‘brain-talk’ (when people talk to their brains – usually Homer) at the end
Last updated Nov. 14, ‘01
Note: when multiple characters are involved in a quote, I have tried to classify the quote under the most prominent character in the scene as much as possible.
Bart
Bart: And I'll start smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good job son, giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Here’s a dollar.
Lisa: But dad, he didn’t do anything!
Homer: Didn’t he, Lisa? Didn’t he? Wait a minute, he didn’t do anything, give me back my dollar!
Bart: Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Bart: As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy! You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches! Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo! Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches!
Bart: How did a lion get riches?
Homer: It was the olden days!
Bart: Oh!
[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!
Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
(Bart, about to audition to become Mr. Burns' heir) "Dad, I don't want to do this. And besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should be keeping an eye on."
Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.
Bart: Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No, really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are we all laughing about?
Homer: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways...
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Bart: "Hey Homer, this house sucks."
Homer: "Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me daddy."
Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.
Homer: How 'bout it, Bart? Would you like a backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can ALL burn evidence in it.
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Marge: I can’t believe you kids are so lazy!
Bart: We’re not lazy mom we’re just…finish my sentence, Lise.
Lisa: Finish your own damn…(snore)
[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.
Bart: "I wanna follow in your footsteps."
Homer: "Do you wanna change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju!"
Bart: "I'll get back to you."
Bart: "I'm not calling you a liar but....I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."
[After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.]
Bart: It's craptacular.
Homer: Just win that race...I'll deal with those murderous trolls!
Bart: What?
Homer: Oh…I mean…I'll deal with those murderous trolls!
Marge: "Kids can be so cruel."
Bart: "We can? Thanks, Mom!"
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poisoned milk to school children.
Bart: "Look behind you Radioactive Man!"
Marge: "Why are you talking like that?"
Homer: "And who are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?"
Bart (on blackboard, on season premiere of 13th season): “Nobody reads these anymore"
Bart: "Oh, Jessica... Her IQ's 106, she reads on the 5th grade level... and her hair smells like fruit loops...ahhhhh."
Lisa: "Well, I eat fruit loops for breakfast!"
Homer: "Oh, no!! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?"
Bart: "I could take up smoking."
Homer: "You damn well better."
Bart: (looking at a globe) "So you mean, in countries like Argentina, or…Rand McNally, the toilets flush backwards?"
Lisa: "Yes, Bart…as a matter of fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people!"
Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.
Homer: Son, let me tell you a story...when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my father wouldn't buy me one. So I held my breath until I turned blue, blacked out and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor said there might be brain damage!
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories!
Homer: "There, there. Shut up, boy. We'll just get you a new dog!"
Bart: "I don't want a new dog! I want Santa's Little Helper!"
Homer: "Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back! Unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!"
Bart: "You're right. I'll do it!"
Homer: "Rats. I almost had him eating dog food."
(Simpsons are watching an East Indian movie with Apu that makes no sense)
Bart: This sucks.
Homer: No it doesn’t – it’s funny. His clothes are different from my clothes. Heh heh! Look what he’s wearin’!
Homer: Well, here we are. The whole family. All together, sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family can. Why, we're more than a...
Bart: Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on.
Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah.
Marge: Well if Milhouse jumped off a bridge, would you –
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a bridge? I’m there! (leaves)
Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.
Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding…
Bart: What do you need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he'd had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.
Bart: Will the owner of a great big butt…please move it out of my face?
Bart(while watching Noah’s Ark the movie): Wow, God is so in your face.
Homer: Yeah, he's my favourite fictional character.
Bart: Wow! Pogo stilts! These are banned in 49 states! (he gets on them and they fly off)
Homer: (screaming in pain off-screen) Ow! Owwww! What happened?
Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!
Grandpa
Grandpa (letter): Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Marge: Grandpa, are you sitting in the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so.
Marge: Grandpa, why are there only 49 stars on that flag?
Grandpa: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!
Homer: "He SPANKED you? YOU? Bart Simpson?"
Bart: I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.'
Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home.
Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions.
Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.
Grandpa: I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I had to take the ferry to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. I had an onion on my belt, because it was the style at the time. Of course, you couldn't get white onions, because of the war. You could only get the big yellow ones. Now the ferry ride to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days, cost a nickel, but back in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Gimme 5 bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now the important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time...
Homer: Oh dad, you’re just not with it.
Grandpa: I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me.
Grandpa - (runs into Bart's room with a stake in a Halloween episode) Kill the boy!
Marge - How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grandpa - He's a vampire?
Grandpa: "My son is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a cheat, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!"
Homer's Mom: "Oh Abe! You've aged terribly."
Grandpa: "Well, what do you expect. You left me to raise the boy."
Homer's mom: "Ya, but you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!"
Grandpa: "Well it was either that, or his mother was a wanted criminal. You were a terrible wife, and a lousy mother, and I'll never, never forgive you! Can we have sex?"
Homer's Mom: (Disgusted) "Oh Abe!"
Grandpa: "Well I tried. What's for dinner?"
Homer: Okay. Bart, since you broke Grandpa’s teeth, he gets to break your teeth.
Grandpa: Ohhhh…this is gonna be sweet.
Bart: Tell us a story, Grandpa; you've led an interesting life.
Grandpa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a LOT of movies…
Grandpa: That's the Wright Brothers' plane! Charles Lindbergh flew it in Kitty Hawk in 1903 on a thimble full of corn oil! Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!
Grandpa: The lamp's running away.
Bart: That's my dog, man.
Grandpa: So long, lamp.
Grandpa: Well it all started in nineteen-dickety-six. We had to say dickety because the kaiser had stolen our word twenty. Ooh I had to chase that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-two miles!
Martin: Dickety! Ha! That's highly dubious!
Grandpa: Shut up, fatty! Too much pie, that's your problem!
Grandpa: "Why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the Queen of the old west. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did."
Grandpa: "You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place that I'm not sure I've ever been to."
Woman: "You're so sweet."
Grandpa: "Ooh..I feel all funny. I'm in loove!! No, wait..it's a stroke."
(Homer reminiscing about his childhood)
Grandpa: You’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride for some candy, I say ‘go for it’!
(Homer’s thought cloud disappears and he’s back to the present)
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood!
Grandpa: You're in luck, boy. I found a pharmacy that sells leeches. Well, it wasn't really a pharmacy. More of a bait shop!
Lisa
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh…ooh…yeah…right, Lisa. A wonderful…magical animal.
Lisa: Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, dad? I mean a bridge did close on your head.
Homer: Nah, I'll just walk it off.
Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Lisa: (quickly) Bart and his friends rented a car with a fake ID and drove to Knoxville and then a giant tower with wigs fell on their car and they’re stranded and Bart just couried human eyeballs to Hong Kong!
(Homer's face turns red.)
Homer: Yes. That’s a real pickle. Will you excuse me for a second?
(He puts on the radiation mask and starts yelling like crazy until the mask fogs up. Then he takes it off.) Okay, I will send Bart the money to come home, and then I will murder him.
Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Lisa: "By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away!"
Homer: "Oooh, and how does it work?"
Lisa: "It doesn't work!"
Homer: "Aha"
Lisa: "It's just a stupid rock!"
Homer: "Aha"
Lisa: "Well I don't see any tigers around here! Do you?"
Homer: "Lisa, I would like to buy your rock."
Lisa: (TV is on really loud) Can you guys turn that down?
Homer: Heh heh heh! If we wouldn’t turn it down for the cops, honey, what chance have you got?
Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You DO mean stealing, don't you?
Lisa: Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing an angel, there's no proof of that.
Homer: No-one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully, I never once used the word angel.
Lisa: What's that sign over there?
[It says Angel in big letters.]
Homer: That's a typo.
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
(Homer chopping water softener with an axe instead of the computer that controls their evil computer-controlled house)
Lisa: Dad! That's our water softener!
Homer: Pfft! I am missing the back of my brain so cut me some slack Lisa!
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don't know.
Lisa: Don't you remember what we learned in the junior UN club? (Martin does his Finland dance) Not now Martin.
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
Lisa: "He's witty and sensitive and he sure doesn't care about looks."
Homer: "My ears are burning."
Lisa: "Umm..dad..we weren't talking about you."
Homer: "No, my ears are really burning. I tried to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip!"
Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.
Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven!
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK…eight!
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer runs into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhh!
Homer: I can see things are falling apart without me. Bart, you're man of the house. Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie becomes genius girl, dog fills in for Maggie. Marge, you're a consultant.
Lisa: Dad, have you been licking toads?
Homer: I'm not NOT licking toads.
[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.
Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I WANT TO HELP YOU, GEORGE WASHINGTON!
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.
Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart:You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Bart:True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart:I'll bet.
Lisa (the family is disgusted with stretchy Muslix cereal) I'll get us out of this. Say dad do you wanna go see my project for the school science fair?
Homer-No Lisa (winks) But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy cereal (winks and runs off and pokes head in doorway and winks at Marge)
Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grandpa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax!
Lisa: That's the homeowner tax!
Homer: Well, anyway, I'm still outraged!
Homer: Lisa, Am I wearing pants?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: Perfect.
Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
[Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
[winks]
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad's upstairs!
Homer: Ok Lisa, where do you want to go to dinner?
Lisa: Anywhere without burgers, pizza or fried chicken.
Homer: Ok fine, we'll go to Mars.
Lisa: "Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular...more so."
Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we DO believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV IS right. TV's ALWAYS right!
Homer: "The food was not undelicious."
Lisa, typing: "The food was delicious."
Homer: "(gasp) brilliant!"
Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa -- cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust—
Lisa: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her. We could go down to the casino and let her know…
Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to -- (takes a bite) -- let's go see Mom.
Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up lines like that?
Homer (on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Eh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening!
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything
Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.

