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I received a very similar PM from KohPhi in season 23. He mocked me when I informed him my playing days were over and that I wouldn’t add much.It is with great sadness and much nostalgia that I write this tribute to one of the SFA's greats.
KohPhi has announced he will be retiring from the SFA at the end of this season having begun his career in Season 21 at the Baghdad Bombers. From memory HaroLad recruited him.
My SFA mentor and great friend has decided to hang up the keyboard at the conclusion of the S32 season, fittingly a one club player.
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Where do we start? He began in Season 21 and has gone on to carve out one of the great careers in the SFA. Club captain, two hundred games, 2 time premiership player, All SFA representative, a darling of the beez and a media giant there is very little this bloke has not achieved.
One of the great SFA talent spotters and recruiters, his list of players that he attracted to the SFA reads like an honour role. I can't recall nor can I be f’ed going back to look them all up so you will have to take my word for it.
On January the 10th, 2017 I received this PM from the great man.
Hey TL,
Just touching base to see if you would be interested in joining a fantasy footy league called The Sweet FA. Not sure if you've seen this on BF but in a nutshell, I "play" for the Baghdad Bombers against various other teams in randomly simmed matches every Sunday. To be honest, the games are secondary to the banter which occurs between teams during the week.
The banter is a pisser at times and we have far more leeway to hang sh*t on each other than any of the main BF sites or team threads. You can be as active as you like or just post sporadically. You have the posting style and humour that would fit in brilliantly.
Check out the Sweet FA forum in the Fantasy Football and Games site on BF and if you are interested, drop me a PM and ill explain it in more detail..
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From here the great team of KohPhi TheCoach16 Tony Lynn 15 and ctacp was born. Sadly curlier than a catoggio's pube finished up too soon but this great threesome went on to dominate the competition and also become very good mates away from the board. The first ever catch up for Dumplings was a very amusing day as was the first ever catch up for coffee in a Yarraville cafe.
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He has a great wit, a penchant for GIF's and animal pr0n. He is an SFA giant and one the league will be worse off for leaving. The past few seasons on a personal note have been challenging for KohPhi and sometimes there is more to life than the SFA.
Anyway mate, thanks for the memories, the laughs, the advice and most of all the friendship. You will be bloody tough to replace but I am sure we can pick up an inactive in the off season to carry on your on field work. Run wild mate and run free.
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Please feel free to leave your fondest memories of KohPhi in here as we count down to the final stages of his career. Be great for the SIM team to manipulate the results and have him go out a 3 time premiership champion.
Pugsley will be able to give you a discount at KFC
I received a very similar PM from KohPhi in season 23. He mocked me when I informed him my playing days were over and that I wouldn’t add much.
After twenty minutes of laughing at me, he went on to explain that I literally didn’t need to do anything other than hang sh*t on opposition posters. He then said that he thought myself, he, and Tony Lynn 15 could potentially become a strong trio. I said “who the fu** is Tony Lynn 15 ?”
Anyway, as they say, the rest is history. Not sure there’s been a better triple act. Apart from this show I saw once with a pony, chicken, and a midget.
Over the journey, I began to feel like a KohPhi alt. We discovered we had a lot in common. We were both with partners at the time that were twenty plus years younger than us. We both worked security in our younger days, and turns out we worked at the same place at one time. We’re both one testicle short. We both won best first year poster on the Carlton board, and we frequented the same bars in our twenties. We bonded over these things, until I said, “please don’t tell me you’ve had someone ask you to sh*t in their mouth too!”… He blocked me for a while.
During the infamous “Coach to Wonders prank”, KohPhi was holidaying poolside, on a Greek island. Meanwhile I was having heart failure over my decision. KohPhi put his island holiday on hold, and magically turned what I saw as a crisis, into the best thing that ever happened to me in the SFA. He was calm, brilliant, and devious.
I think I can speak for Tony Lynn 15 when I say, KohPhi ’s mentoring and leadership made us into the trio we are. But more so, he set a standard, an identity, and a culture, at the Bombers that today has people loving and hating us. It was his vision, and his goal. With Tony Lynn 15 and I, as his wingmen, he accomplished precisely what he set out to do.
His “videos” in our PM are disgusting, perverted, sickening, and grotesque. The favour and leniency he receives from the mods is nauseating. And the universal love for this sick sick man is excruciating! (#sickofit )
But there’s no doubt, he is a true great, and a legend of this league. And an absolutely quality human. The league will be a worse place without him. We’ll miss you big man.
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I'm game if the mods allow it.Surely we need to bring back Rednesday for that match thread?
What I want to know is why KohPhi didn't put this in CAPITAL LETTERS ?And lastly, you will have an opportunity to recruit a brash young rookie called @WaynesWorld19 from the Dragons. Do it, he will be the greatest leader of men and woman the SFA has ever seen.
What I want to know is why KohPhi didn't put this in CAPITAL LETTERS ?
I should say that KohPhi recruited me from the Dragons ....and has been a huge part of my time in the SFA
Apart from being a brilliant poster and one of the funniest .....his advice behind the scenes was always listened to ....in fact you can blame KohPhi for who I became ........a beloved folklore character of the SFA (insert modest smile)
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In person, Kophi is an even better bloke ......all the best mate, time to devote some time to RL ....and thankyou for allowing me to get to know you personally
Hey KohPhi
I remember in my rookie season I asked a bunch of people to give their rookie selves some advice, and you were one of the first to respond. Here's the link in case you forgot, but rest assured I didn't.
Anyway, this is what you said which might not only jog your memory but may in turn inspire the current batch of rookies:
“Hi S.21 KohPhi.
This is you, S.29 KohPhi.
Hey kid! How are you? I hope you're understanding things in the SFA well enough at this early stage of your Qootball career, because trust me, it only gets weirder as you go -- it's totally worth it all in the end though. Upcoming Premierships, adulation of the masses and Yemeni whores at your doorstep (seriously, the homeless wenches sleep there every night since Daddy cut off the electricity to the Elizabeth end of Baghdad).
I'm not an SFA expert by any means, but I feel like some things need to be said here. First of all, don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone nice and early. If you don't, you'll sit on the fence for years, being as boring as bat sh*t (speaking of bats, do yourself a favour and stop eating the f***ers now,) until one day you wake up and change your name to AceAndy.
Let me tell you that the best thing that I ever did is step out of my comfort zone early doors. I broke into beez's cupboard and stole his stash of Breezers on my second night at the Club and short sheated Itsmyshow's bed. The fellow rookie you are sharing a cell at Abdu Prison with, @WFL. You guys will have some crazy, wacky times in your first season…
Don't let him join the Dragons.
At the end of your first or second season, just about every club will demand your services. Your mind will be as busy as a Boys Club chat. Seriously, you will change your mind 197,000 times over that 12 month period wondering if you want to stay at the Bombers or go elsewhere. Trust me, stay with Baghdad.
What? Who are the Boys Club you ask?
Oh my young Padawan, some things are better off being a surprise. You'll see through the bluff and bluster pretty quickly, and along with future superstars Tony Lynn 15 and TheCoach16, will be a thorn in their side for many seasons. Glorious battles await.
I know what you are thinking, the Bombers in S.21 are a rabble. Yes, you may be stone motherless last right now with a future that seems as desolate as a thought in NaturalDisaster head, but stay the Bomber cause you hot hunk of spunk. Team and individual glory awaits.
Just on the individual stuff, you'll be runner up in the beez Medal one season to a poster who will one day, be banned for posting two bears *******, and I'm not talking the animal type.
When you become skipper in S.24, push hard in the Committee for banned posters to be stripped of all awards and next placeholders to be moved up a spot.
"Why would they listen to me?" I hear you ask. My answer to that is just wait until you talk yourself out of numerous shenanigans to keep a Premiership. Trust me, you won't have earned the name 'Teflon KohPhi' for nothing.
Finally, a couple of key points my friend..
When TheCoach16 says he wants to join the Wonders, trust me... say YES!
When HaroLad asks you if he should post Star Wars spoilers, don't say 'why not mate, what's the worst that can happen'.
Re-think the chicken video.. actually don't, it's a cracker.
Break the expansion Westgate Trolls expansion bid story. You will cop some flak initially, but be vindicated later when the League realises what a sh*t list you saved them from having to banter with.
Elton Johns Wig will beg to join the Bombers in S.26. Don't do it, he's a flog.
For the love of God, don't send CazC30 dick picks.
And lastly, you will have an opportunity to recruit a brash young rookie called WaynesWorld19 from the Dragons. Do it, he will be the greatest leader of men and woman the SFA has ever seen.
That's all of the sage wisdom that I can really pass on to you, young KohPhi. Just always remember, this place is like a big game of cops and robbers. Good guys, bad guys, fall guys, teaser ponies, bit part players and walk on extras. Pick a part, play it well, play the persona and not the person and never ever take anything seriously.
Oh.. and lose the Vince Colisomo perm real quick.
Love
S.29 KohPhi”
Go well mate, you're free to get the perm going again.
Cheers,
Bob.