Best Jokes during Corona Lockdown

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dogwatch

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While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. '
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, 'says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress .. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. '
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '


The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning .....
Today you voted.
 

Wocka

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Scott Morrison is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to the words 'accident, great loss and tragedy' and their meanings. The teacher asks ScoMo if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy.

ScoMo asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says ScoMo, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains ScoMo. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
ScoMo searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a Qantas flight carrying you, Dan and Gladys was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims ScoMo, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
 

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dogwatch

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Footy quotes.
Some of these were definitely tongue in cheek (like Wallace) while some were just plain embarrassing.
I think Dermie is the clear winner, while Barry Hall made a couple of valuable contributions from fewer opportunities. Not enough David King though.



'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games
'It's basically the same, just darker.'

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
(Mark Williams).

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'
(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'
(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL
but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of
a lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
(Dermott Brereton).
 

Arkangel

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Footy quotes.
Some of these were definitely tongue in cheek (like Wallace) while some were just plain embarrassing.
I think Dermie is the clear winner, while Barry Hall made a couple of valuable contributions from fewer opportunities. Not enough David King though.



'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games
'It's basically the same, just darker.'

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
(Mark Williams).

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'
(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'
(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL
but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of
a lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
(Dermott Brereton).
Hate to ruin it, but I’m pretty sure I saw variations of most of these attributed to US sportspeople on usenet about 25 years ago...
 

dogwatch

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Hate to ruin it, but I’m pretty sure I saw variations of most of these attributed to US sportspeople on usenet about 25 years ago...
Good chance. Still funny though. I reckon most would have been genuinely candid comments (from whoever) at some stage.
Things like the Barassi/Cowton one seem pretty contrived IMO. David King definitely needs to be in there.
 

Optimistic Dog

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Oct 11, 2014
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Hate to ruin it, but I’m pretty sure I saw variations of most of these attributed to US sportspeople on usenet about 25 years ago...
This one is true maybe not exact words. Peter McKenna commenting on a Army Reserve Cup game. Russell Tweedale is a red head I wish all players were redheads so it would easier to identify one player form the other. :)
 

footscray1973

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This one is true maybe not exact words. Peter McKenna commenting on a Army Reserve Cup game. Russell Tweedale is a red head I wish all players were redheads so it would easier to identify one player form the other. :)
Maybe he meant (or even actually said) "I wish more players were redheads..." as that sort of makes sense in a general way. Of course these days. between variety of hairstyles, coloured boots and body art, he probably wouldn't have too many issues!
 

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