Best Jokes during Corona Lockdown

The Buck

All Australian
Sep 23, 2013
692
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‘We can’t waste money on covid support’ says government that spent $9m on the COVIDSafe app

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Freshwater

Premiership Player
Oct 30, 2014
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The whole communist Dan schtick is kind of tired, ill-informed and embarrassing....

Guessing you haven't been on a shopping trip to Hong Kong recently...
If it quacks like a duck, and sounds like a duck and waddles like a duck….
 
The whole communist Dan schtick is kind of tired, ill-informed and embarrassing....

Guessing you haven't been on a shopping trip to Hong Kong recently...

Sorry mate but anyone who signs a memorandum of understanding with China in regards to the Belts and Roads initiative is gonna cop it, for the most part I agree with Dan during this covid previous two years, but signing that deal was a very big step in the wrong direction.
 

Libba39

Norm Smith Medallist
Mar 10, 2008
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Sorry mate but anyone who signs a memorandum of understanding with China in regards to the Belts and Roads initiative is gonna cop it, for the most part I agree with Dan during this covid previous two years, but signing that deal was a very big step in the wrong direction.

Agree, but that has absolutely nothing to do with covid and lockdowns and being called a communist dictator. People going around saying that we live in some totalitarian state are an embarrassment and its an insult to people living under such regimes where REAL freedoms have been taken away.

I would love to know what the protestors will be be ranting about next year when everything is opened up and back to normal, but I'm sure they'll find something to complain about.
 

Sharpiesadog

Team Captain
Sep 8, 2017
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Agree, but that has absolutely nothing to do with covid and lockdowns and being called a communist dictator. People going around saying that we live in some totalitarian state are an embarrassment and its an insult to people living under such regimes where REAL freedoms have been taken away.

I would love to know what the protestors will be be ranting about next year when everything is opened up and back to normal, but I'm sure they'll find something to complain about.
They will probably be complaining about all the Covid cases and deaths.
 

Freshwater

Premiership Player
Oct 30, 2014
4,123
8,070
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Western Bulldogs
Agree, but that has absolutely nothing to do with covid and lockdowns and being called a communist dictator. People going around saying that we live in some totalitarian state are an embarrassment and its an insult to people living under such regimes where REAL freedoms have been taken away.

I would love to know what the protestors will be be ranting about next year when everything is opened up and back to normal, but I'm sure they'll find something to complain about.
They will be bellyaching and complaining about climate catastrophes and ‘change the date’ type crap. We can all see it coming as soon as this is finished.
 
Sep 14, 2003
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LA Angels, Maple Leafs
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
 
Sep 14, 2003
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Williamstown
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
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At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a clever idea.So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
 
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
 
A middle-aged male receives a phone call from an Agent representing the Australian Taxation Office.

The Agent explains that upon review of the male’s bank statements, they have noticed frequent activity pertaining to the ongoing cycle of large sums of monies being withdrawn from his bank account, and even larger sums of monies being deposited into his bank account.

The Agent further explains that a preliminary assessment of these transactions reveal this activity has been occurring for a number of years and, as a result, their audit team has requested the male be interviewed in person.

The Agent and male agree on a time for a formal interview.

Immediately following this phone call, the male contacts his lawyer to provide an update and request his assistance. The male and his lawyer arrange to attend the ATO headquarters together for the interview.

The following day, the male and his lawyer arrive at the ATO.

The Agent greets them and introduces himself, before inviting the male and his lawyer to take a seat at the desk in his office.

The Agent asks the male, “Explain yourself. Why are there large amounts of monies going out of your bank account, and even larger amounts of monies going into your bank account?”

The male responds, “You see, I’m a bit of a gambler, and I’m quite good at it.”

The Agent has a perplexed look on his face and says, “So just to clarify, all of these transactions relate to you having gambled?”

The male replies, “That’s right, and I’m even able to prove that I’m a successful gambler and this is the reason for the unusual transactions.

“Go on, then. Prove it,” says the Agent.

“Alright then,” the male begins. “I bet you $5,000 that I can eat my eyeball.”

“Eat your eyeball?” responds the Agent. “That’s ridiculous. You can’t eat your eyeball. You’re on - $5,000 it is!

The male then removes his glass eyeball, places it in his mouth, before returning his glass eyeball to his left eye.

“You son of a bitch,” shouts the Agent, as he removes $5,000 from his wallet and hands it to the male.

“So that’s how you make your money, being a wise guy,” the Agent says.

“Yes, but I’m a reasonable guy,” the male says. “I’m willing to give you your money back, plus a little bit extra. I’ll bet you $7,500 that I can eat my other eyeball.”

The Agent has a bit of a think, before responding “I didn’t see you walk in here with a Guide Dog, or a walking assistant. There’s no way you can be blind in both eyes. You’re on - $7,500 says you can’t eat your other eyeball.”

With that, the male removes his false teeth and moves them towards his right eye to snap away at his right eyeball.

“You mother *er,” shouts the Agent, as he removes $7,500 from his wallet and hands it to the male.

“Alright, alright. I’ll tell you what,” the male says. I’m more than reasonable. I feel bad that I’ve taken $12,500 off you, and that’s why I’m now prepared to offer you $15,000 if you’re prepared to take me on for a third and final time.

Intrigued, but also frightened, the Agent asks, “Now what?”

The male says, “I want you to pick up that small bin and place it in the corner of your office. I’m going to stand up from my chair and piss all the way across the room into that bin. I bet you $15,000 that I can get all of my urine into that bucket, some ten metres away, without spilling a single drop anywhere.

The Agent has a bit of a think and believes this task is surely impossible. The Agent replies, “You’re on - $15,000 it is.”

With that, the male stands up from his chair, lowers his pants to his knees, grabs hold of his penis and begins pissing all over the Agent’s desk.

The Agent, delighted, starts jumping up and down, fist pumping the air and cheering as though he’s just won Division 1.

Meanwhile, the Agent notices the male’s lawyer is resting his forehead in his hand, looking very upset and distressed.

The Agent asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, sir. I can’t help but notice you appear quite upset. Why are you upset?”

The lawyer replies, “You see, on the way over here, my client bet me $100,000 that he could piss all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”
 

Sharpiesadog

Team Captain
Sep 8, 2017
482
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There is a lawyer who constantly gets drunk after work to the point where he returns home after having vomited on himself.

Finally one night his wife tells him that if he does this again, she's going to leave him. She is sick of the mess and the clean up and dealing with him coming home drunk. The lawyer promises his wife he will never do this again because he loves her.

After a few weeks of impeccable behaviour, the lawyer wins an important case and goes out to celebrate. Sure enough, he gets absolutely hammered and vomits on himself on the train on the way home.

'Oh no, my wife is going to leave me!' he says to his mate sitting beside him, and explains his problem.

His mate says 'Don't worry, I have the solution. Take this $50 note, and when you get home, tell your wife someone else threw up on you, and gave you $50 to pay for the dry cleaning.'

'Brilliant!' says the lawyer and makes sure he has the cash in his wallet.

When the lawyer gets home, his wife takes one look at him, covered in vomit and holding 2 $50 notes, and tells him she is leaving.

'No, no!' cries the lawyer, 'Don't leave, it wasn't me. Someone threw up on me and gave me $50 to pay for the clean up.'

'Hmmm,' says the wife with suspicion, 'What's the other $50 note for?'

'Well,' replies the lawyer 'That was given to me by the man who shat in my pants.'
 
There is a lawyer who constantly gets drunk after work to the point where he returns home after having vomited on himself.

Finally one night his wife tells him that if he does this again, she's going to leave him. She is sick of the mess and the clean up and dealing with him coming home drunk. The lawyer promises his wife he will never do this again because he loves her.

After a few weeks of impeccable behaviour, the lawyer wins an important case and goes out to celebrate. Sure enough, he gets absolutely hammered and vomits on himself on the train on the way home.

'Oh no, my wife is going to leave me!' he says to his mate sitting beside him, and explains his problem.

His mate says 'Don't worry, I have the solution. Take this $50 note, and when you get home, tell your wife someone else threw up on you, and gave you $50 to pay for the dry cleaning.'

'Brilliant!' says the lawyer and makes sure he has the cash in his wallet.

When the lawyer gets home, his wife takes one look at him, covered in vomit and holding 2 $50 notes, and tells him she is leaving.

'No, no!' cries the lawyer, 'Don't leave, it wasn't me. Someone threw up on me and gave me $50 to pay for the clean up.'

'Hmmm,' says the wife with suspicion, 'What's the other $50 note for?'

'Well,' replies the lawyer 'That was given to me by the man who shat in my pants.'

Is this really a joke, or a true story about Tim Smith?
 
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