Best Jokes during Corona Lockdown

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Sharpiesadog

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Sep 8, 2017
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This is an old joke told by Clement Freud, a prominent broadcaster and MP in the UK during the 70’s and 80’s.

He was the grandson of Sigmund Freud.

Turns out he was revealed as having committed sexual abuse on some unfortunate girls during his lifetime that he got away with. I just found this out. Appalled.
 

dogwatch

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Jun 17, 2009
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Some tips for today's card at Flemington:

Race 1 - go the CHF quinella - Brereton and Quinlan. Highland Harley won't get near them.

Starts in a few minutes so I'll post that one now and give you a chance to get on.
 

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dogwatch

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Race 2 - wide open this one. Just don't go near Accountability. Lot's of talk about it but won't be in the picture when the whips are cracking. Same applies to Good Idea - usually gets overruled by the Team Captain. So I think we'll go for Team Captain.

Race 3 - standout bet for the day is the quinella - Naval Envoy and Standoff. Don't so you weren't told! (Not sure how to translate that into French).

Race 4 - can't find anything I can place any faith in here. But it's the Furphy Plate so maybe that's why. Head to the bar instead.

Race 5 - maybe stick with the submarine theme and have a little dabble on Ocean Beyond. Could sink without a trace though.

Race 6 - Can't go past the favourite here. Profiteer captures not only the money but also the zeitgeist. Load up.

Race 7 - The Melbourne Cup. Got a hot tip from department of PM&C on this. It's The Chosen One from Grand Promenade and then Miami Bound. Daryl Maguire suggested Twilight Payment.

Race 8 - This is the Net Zero Plan Stakes. The one they can't stop talking about is Promise of Success and to take it in a quinella with Energy Within but personally I reckon Need New Friends will be the story of the day.

Race 9 - It's the goodies versus the baddies here. I'm hoping All So Clear gets up (at very long odds mind you) but the challenge is definitely coming from In The Darkness.

Race 10 - if you need a get-out winner in the last I suggest it's time to go home instead. There are so many chances here, headed of course by Pandemic but Ranting, Express Pass and Prime Candidate are all topical. I might just have a saver on Bons Abroad though.

Happy punting and good luck! We're all going to need it.
 

dogwatch

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Here's the wrap-up. The moral of the story is to shop early (3 winners from the first six) then enjoy the spectacle of the Cup and go home.


Some tips for today's card at Flemington:

Race 1 - go the CHF quinella - Brereton and Quinlan. Highland Harley won't get near them. Brereton won at $5.60. Quinlan finished last.

Starts in a few minutes so I'll post that one now and give you a chance to get on.
Race 2 - wide open this one. Just don't go near Accountability. Lot's of talk about it but won't be in the picture when the whips are cracking. Same applies to Good Idea - usually gets overruled by the Team Captain. So I think we'll go for Team Captain.
Team Captain won at $7.60. Accountability (2nd) and Good Idea (3rd) were relegated to the subordinate placings as predicted!

Race 3 - standout bet for the day is the quinella - Naval Envoy and Standoff. Don't so you weren't told! (Not sure how to translate that into French).
Naval Envoy finished half a length second ($6) and Standoff ($9) was third.

Race 4 - can't find anything I can place any faith in here. But it's the Furphy Plate so maybe that's why. Head to the bar instead.

Race 5 - maybe stick with the submarine theme and have a little dabble on Ocean Beyond. Could sink without a trace though.
Yep, Ocean Beyond sank without a trace.

Race 6 - Can't go past the favourite here. Profiteer captures not only the money but also the zeitgeist. Load up.
Profiteer ($2.10) made it three wins from six races.

Race 7 - The Melbourne Cup. Got a hot tip from department of PM&C on this. It's The Chosen One from Grand Promenade and then Miami Bound. Daryl Maguire suggested Twilight Payment.
No joy here, but hey It's the Melbourne Cup.

Race 8 - This is the Net Zero Plan Stakes. The one they can't stop talking about is Promise of Success and to take it in a quinella with Energy Within but personally I reckon Need New Friends will be the story of the day.
Looks like Promise of Success was scratched. That's pretty symbolic! So Energy Within finished midfield and Need New Friends was stone motherless last. How appropriate.

Race 9 - It's the goodies versus the baddies here. I'm hoping All So Clear gets up (at very long odds mind you) but the challenge is definitely coming from In The Darkness.
No good in this one.

Race 10 - if you need a get-out winner in the last I suggest it's time to go home instead. There are so many chances here, headed of course by Pandemic but Ranting, Express Pass and Prime Candidate are all topical. I might just have a saver on Bons Abroad though.
Prime Candidate ran third but the rest weren't sighted.

Happy punting and good luck! We're all going to need it.
Postscript: I meant to mention Sirius Suspect in the last - just for Dogs_R_Us - but I was in a hurry ...

It came in second at $41. Paid $9.70 the place. Would have been a good each way bet if you just happen to live on the Dog Star. :think:
 
Last edited:

Leon

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Jan 13, 2004
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Harry's Heroes
Everyone in the story is far too intelligent to be Tim Smith. He was interviewed by Virginia Trioli last week, she ran rings around him without even trying. I think even she was shocked by how stupid he actually is.


Tim Smith is one of the biggest assholes you’ll ever meet.

Had an excellent laugh when I saw what happened to him.

Love also how he gobs off endlessly at every politician who screws up, yet so far has been too pissweak to face the music.
 

The Buck

Team Captain
Sep 23, 2013
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For wordsmiths:


Grammar



iJust how ‘grammarly’ are you?
An Oxford comma walks into a bar…
  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
 

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Dogs_R_Us

Space Traveller
May 3, 2001
18,805
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For wordsmiths:


Grammar



iJust how ‘grammarly’ are you?
An Oxford comma walks into a bar…
  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Love it 😄
 

Arkangel

Team Captain
Jun 8, 2007
582
1,257
Internet City
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
For wordsmiths:


Grammar



iJust how ‘grammarly’ are you?
An Oxford comma walks into a bar…
  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre, so he gave her one.
 

Sharpiesadog

Senior List
Sep 8, 2017
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Times New Roman font walked into a bar and the barman said ‘We don’t serve your type here.’

A priest, a rabbi and Donald Trump walk into a bar and the barman says ‘Is this some kind of joke?’
 

Sharpiesadog

Senior List
Sep 8, 2017
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A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre, so he gave her one.
On a similar theme:

I get so sick of charity collectors knocking on our door asking for donations. Tonight it was a woman asking for donations to the sperm bank.

Boy did I give her a mouthful!
 

footscray1973

Premiership Player
May 17, 2004
3,197
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For wordsmiths:


Grammar



iJust how ‘grammarly’ are you?
An Oxford comma walks into a bar…
  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Many made me chuckle, the malapropism made me laugh.

If BF was a grammatical bar, "could of", "would of", "should of" and "they're/there/their" would be the barflies!
 

The Buck

Team Captain
Sep 23, 2013
594
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Did you hear about agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He used to lie awake at night contemplating the existence of Dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshiper? He was obsessed with Santa.
 

Sharpiesadog

Senior List
Sep 8, 2017
286
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A horse walks into a bar and the barman says ‘Why the long face?’

The horse replies ‘My alcoholism is destroying my family.’
 

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