Best Jokes during Corona Lockdown

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I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean losing 10 kg, cutting our hair and getting used to not drinking at 9:00 am!


New monthly budget: Petrol $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries and beverages $2,799.


Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.


When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.


I stepped on my scale this morning. It said "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time."


Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 8 weeks.


It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.


I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.


They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until Christmas to see what happens to you all first.


Day 47: The rubbish man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.


The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.


People keep asking "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all the casinos and churches are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious!


Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.


Homeschool Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.


Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.


Okay the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?


Remember when we were little and we had underwear that had the days of the week on them? Yah .. that would be helpful about now.


For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself.


Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.


The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner.
 

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Q How do you confuse an opposition tagger when playing the dogs 2021 when instructed to go to the dogs best midfielder/attacking player.

A He scratchers his head and says to I go to The Bont, Jacko, Bailey, Dunks, Libba, Caleb or Treloar.
 
A scotsman, a welshman and irishman die and meet St Peter at the gates to heaven. St Peter says as christmas is upon us you will need to show me something that represents christmas before you can enter.

The scotsman looks in his pocket and finds a small torch he shines it at St Peter and says it represent Christmas Lights and Peter says you may enter.

The welshman jingles his keys and says these represent jingle bells and Peter says you may enter.

The irishman fronts up and shows Peter a bra and G string. Peter says what the F??? has that got to do with christmas. He looks at Peter and says their Caroles.
 

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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, "Bring Pizza"


Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house


It’s weird being the same age as old people

When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.


I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are...

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 
Dogs_R_Us said:
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, "Bring Pizza"


Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house


It’s weird being the same age as old people

When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.


I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are...

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Click to expand...
I can relate to way too much of this 😕
 
Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio spend a day together at the local county fair. As they are strolling around the fairgrounds they come across a tent with a sign that says 'Beauty Contest $100 Prize. Snow White says "I'm entering" and goes into the tent. Half an hour later she returns with $100 in her hands. A little further on they come to a tent with a sign that says 'Strongest Man Contest $100 prize'. Superman says "this is for me" and in he goes. Half an hour later he comes back out counting his winnings. A little further up the midway they come to a third tent with a sign saying 'World's Greatest Liar Contest $100 prize'. Pinocchio says "I got this" and saunters into the tent. Half an hour later he returns empty handed and a shocked look on his face. Snow White asks "what happened?" Pinocchio looks up and says "who the hell is Donald Trump?"
 
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Not actually a joke more a true story. Masks give married men extra protection beyond the virus . When you are dragged along to go shopping and they are looking at everything they did not come shopping for or cannot decide on that dress after trying on 10 plus you can pull faces and swear behind the mask without said missus ever knowing and not coming home complaining about it.
 
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