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You know, when I first came to this club 11 years ago, things were mighty different, I mean we had a gun A grade side before they all got married and had their testicles put up on the mantle piece, I had a standard bat and didn't spend a few hundred to maybe a gorilla on a new bat every time the whim took me...it was strange times.

Worse than that was when I went to get my first beer at the club, the barman ( who I should point out is the sucker who walks behind the bar) asked me what I would have and I asked what did they have. The reply was pretty deflating, Carlton Draught, Carlton Dry and VB. Strangely enough, I have the most issue with Carlton Dry, a beer that promotes itself as low carb is something that should absolutely not be in a cricket bar...but it was.

Anyways, I struck up a conversation with the guy who stocks the bar and said: "can I make a request for some different beers"? I am sure it was more to amuse himself he said yes and I said: "can you get two beers in, one is Coopers Pale Ale and the other is Boags Premium". Now this is 11 years ago and it is a country town but they had never heard of Boags Premium. The reaction in the club was probably close to what I'd assume was me outing myself as a member of the rainbow wristband brigade (not that I'd care if they did).

So the week after when I turn up to training, guy behind the bar says I got your beers and I grabbed a Boags ( actually not a huge fan of pale ale but I couldn't understand why such a popular drink state wide wasn't in the club. So I worked out, that I train twice a week, play on Saturday, I'd be through the Boags in a month, all will be sweet with these bumpkins...all to turn up to the next practice session and see the *ers have drunk all the Boags...go figure but it is apparently better than the s**t they have been drinking, so 11 years down the track, I have taken over the bar and no longer do we see VB on the menu, something I am a bit pleased about.

The first game of the season last week, against the champions from last year and to make things harder, we can only manage the ten men, you know which kinda makes it a bit difficult. We get to bat first and get off to a quick start reaching 25 in the first four overs. From there it is a steady loss of wickets with the fat guy finally failing with the bat scoring one run. I walked off the field thinking "this is how other guys must feel when they get out"

The highlight of our innings was from a player coming back to the team after a few years away. He said he didn't have a bat so I gave him my old Hitman bat to use and Sammy asked if the bat was any good and I replied that it was the second best bat in the club. Sam looked at me and asked who had the best bat in the club and I said: "yeah, that's the other one in my bag mate".

Sam is noted as a bowler more than a batsman but he went off with the Hitman and scored 66 of about 40 deliveries, some of the hits were just monstrous, the biggest hits I have seen in years of cricket. So we ended up with 150, not batting out our overs which was a bit disappointing but that is on the top 6 to bat better.

We all bowled well and fielded strongly but a day of cricket can be mighty hard with just 10 on the field. As the day went on, the oppos started to work the gaps and peel 4 or 5 an over just from singles, sadly passing our score with a few overs to spare. The positive in the field this year is we have a genuine gun covers fieldsman. 16 years of age, about 160cms...if he has lifts in his shoes but I reckon he probably runs 100 in 12 seconds. He was fielding covers to my bowling, I get cut behind point, past the fielder, it looks like a 4 until I notice the young fella running. Seriously quick, he got it 5 inside the boundary and took a boundary back to 2.
 
We have had an old cash register in the bar since the time that well...time forgot. I mean it is electric, not one of those classic registers with a whole bunch of peg buttons that you push and some sign would come up saying "Farmers Beer" or maybe "Boags" or "Wild Turkey" but the days of it not working had long passed it. At the end of last year, to open the register, you has to turn it on its side to get the drawer release button if you wanted to open the register, which was a huge pain in the arse given how heavy it was.

So at the start of this season I thought, * this s**t, lets get another register, then I saw how much new registers cost and once again I thought...* that s**t. Like I guess it really isn't that bad but it was coming out of my pocket and when I am not spending money on my family, or causes I believe in...well you'd have a fair case to ask if my last name ended with BERG.

So they do sell just cash drawers, lockable, does the same thing as a register, just no button to push to make the drawer open, you just use a key. I thought to myself, good enough, that will sort us out well. JFC, the complaints that came from the purchase that was out of my own pocket "but it isn't a proper register" "where is the total button" "I want to push a button to make it open". It was pretty rich stuff from a bunch of people who are quite aware that I am not above using a cash drawer as a weapon to prove a point that it is indeed better than a whole cash register.

Anyways, second week in, it seems like a few people have gotten over a button dependency on an item that's button hadn't worked in at least 12 months or they had just moved their complaining to the fact that I bought "Pringles" instead of regular chips. Of course it gave me the opportunity to tell them that I couldn't fist a woman anymore because I seem to instinctively grab for a chip because of Pringles, so you know, swings and roundabouts.

Got to play the side who came second last year in the most lopsided draw in history where my team is royally screwed. Apparently, nobody in the association I play in was aware that there are computer programmes freely available to do draws based on last years results...bunch of ninnys. So we are at the home ground, surprisingly, i lose the toss again ( I am so s**t) and we get to bowl first.

At 49 years of age, I am somehow still opening the bowling, probably because I am captain, probably because everyone else seems keen to bowl cross seam so by time i get a go, there is no shine left. Still, that isn't as bad as the time a few years our opening bowler was in the nets bowling a few to warm up before we went out into the field and I'm searching around for the new ball that I left on the bar...I know people say quick bowlers aren't the smartest and you hate to say stereotypes are true but in his case.

Bowl a good opening spell and got the left hand opening bat out with a wide, full delivery and the team does pretty well to keep the oppo to 2/56 from 20. With just 15 overs left for them to bat we are in a good place though they have plenty of batters in the shed. Sadly for us, without our gun fielder who was out after punching a wall...the oppo mixed up singles with some big hitting to get the score to 150 after 35.

Definitely not impossible as for the first time in a couple of years, we bat pretty well. We got off to a decent start with our openers getting to 40 before our first wicket down in the 9th bringing Fatty McFatFat the captain into bat. There were three club legends at the ground, all life memebers and I really wanted to bat well. Two overs in and faced 5 balls for ten runs when the next bowler ran in and bowled what can only be termed a very long, long hop. My eyes lit up and I planned to put it over the club house only to have the ball come off the sticker above the splice on the bat. The ball flew high in the air and as I saw a guy running to get into position, I hoped that he would muff it, he had to run 20 metres, though he could have strolled given how high I hit it...and he caught it.

So angry, so very angry. I had not moved my feet at all and all I could do was replay it in my mind, either open my stance with my front foot and go to cow with the shot, of bring my back foot across and tug it behind square but there I was cement footed spooning the ball deep...well not deep enough.

At least one of the young kids valued his wicket and played the anchor for the rest to bat around but the best hitters in the side all got out to dumb, dumb shots. We were never really in the run chase but somehow never really out of it and with 2 overs left we somehow only needed 17 to win the match. I was out umpiring at this stage and I was imploring our number 9 and 10 just to run on everything...at least that is what I thought I said, maybe not, they just wouldn't risk a run out because a draw in one day cricket is very valuable...so we sadly lost by 14 runs in a game we should have won, that we were never in, that slipped through our fingers.

I'd like to say I am going to get into the nets and get some practice but I am too old for net sessions, I'll just have to try and bat for some time and see if that works
 
I can remember a time I actually used to enjoy cricket training. Getting to the nets, having a bowl and a chat with team mates, maybe doing some fielding drills...hell there was a time I trained twice a week, working on aspects of my game. Now, I seriously just can't be bothered/am too sore to even contemplate it.

There is no point doing fielding drills, I can't really bend down that well, it hurts to throw and my days of hitting the just one stump from 20 metres has long, long gone. I came to the realisation a couple of years back that as soon as I could get one decent bat in the middle, there was little point batting in the nets anymore, it just ruined your technique. When you bat in the nets, unless you use it for judging where your off stump is, practising your defence and making sure you get something on a leg side delivery then it is a waste of time, you become tunnel visioned and invariably end up hitting the last five shots over the bowlers head trying to get some distance on the ball.

Worse than that is bowling, I implore my team mates to work on their defence but they see it as an opportunity to swing wildly at an old ball and all I can think is "it would be three balls with a ball in this condition before I had your wicket, one with a ball with any shine on it". Of course, I hate bowling off any run up in the nets, I need to save that energy for the weekends match but that presents a new dilemma...bowling spin in the nets. Now when I face a spinner in the nets, I realise that they need to practice their flight and landing the ball, so I will come out of my crease...and block the ball, any long hops I will put into the side netting. Unfortunately, I am in the minority on this one as people see it as an excuse to see how far they can hit the ball over the bowlers head.

So yeah, can't be bothered even bowling spin, no matter how many times you tell the usual suspects that anyone can slog a ball but lasting 15 to 20 overs is a bigger reward, there will be no practising of defence or trying to play shots in the nets that on't have them out third ball.

Enough of my whinge though but I am an old man...

So, two day game against South and in a shock to the system, I won the toss...and I didn't know what to do. Why I asked a batsman what we should do is beyond belief as it was overcast and going to fine up and I just didn't know what next Saturdays weather would be. Had I known that next Saturday would be cloudless and 22, I'd have bowled first. Had our opening bowler mentioned he had a wedding in week 2 and wouldn't be playing that week...I would have bowled first.

So we batted and I watched our two openers get out for * all playing dumb ******* shots. My pre match speech about it being 60 overs, we have plenty of time, you will make half your runs in the last 20 fell on deaf ears as both openers felt they were in the throes of a T20 game and got out spooning catches to mid on, like a pair of * wits.

I came in to bat on the third week of my virus not feeling great, no energy and no strength but determined to hang around. With some pretty handy bowling going on, I took time to work on my defence, using shots that both the openers must have thought were illegal. Grass in the outfield was a little long and the surface was slow so to combine that with my inability to run, I was turning 2s into 1s but I hung out 23 overs making a completely boring 20 that only impressed one person...me. I spent time in the middle so I think I should be fine now, fingers crossed the next bowlers I face will cop a pasting.

Sadly, the rest of the bats seemed keen to just walk out, walk in by getting out quickly and it wasn't long til we were 9-70, which of course, made my decision to bat even more pleasing and the fact 5 players had been caught at mid off, all the more reason why you should not bat in the nets. Funnily enough, the one guy who has listened to the idea of blocking in the nets took that out onto the field and with our number 6 still in built a very handy partnership, almost doubling our score to 133.

With 14 overs left before stumps, we did OK getting the opposition 2-29.

The Shittest Friday Afternoon Ever

I get home from work to see a few texts, from players unable to play tomorrow. The fast bowler with the wedding, the gun fielder with tonsillitis, the opening bat with his testicles on the mantle piece, it just put me in a great mood on Friday night because as any cricketer will tell you, trying to convince your mates to come out and field for an afternoon is usually met with stony silence.

And so it was, we grabbed a mates son for 2 hours and one of the opposition kids came out to field for us. It was a long, long hard day and many boundaries were hit against us. I really hope our players took note on how easy it is to hit runs when you have seen off the first 20 overs without being 6 down but you know, maybe not.

I have noted that I am so old now I bowl in three over spells, four at a pinch but usually three and I am done, maybe it is the virus, maybe it is because I am old, maybe both but three over spells it was after my initial super long four over spell. It was refreshing though to have an independent umpire as I managed to get 3 leg before decisions which whilst were all out, were nowhere near as close as the decisions that were turned down from my bowling in the last two weeks.

I actually had a go with the wind, which was nice and even got the confidence up to bowl with the ball at the end of my fingers, allowing for later swing and of course, LB decisions. In the end I took 5-49, which was pretty good I guess, excellent when you look at others figures but it meant little, we were smashed.

You get those games though, they just happen. What irks me about the season so far is we have much better players than last year but we are not quite gelling as a team yet though when we do, we might be a pain in the arse to face up to but that will require us to gel before finals are long gone.
 

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So last of the two day games until the new year at home and I can't make the first week due to having to go to my Sister In laws engagement. Usually this would have been a no go but I am getting old, a week off is a treat, not the punishment it would have been years ago. So as I had mentioned before, bid and won an auction on a Mercedes for the weekend and kudos to the dealership when I picked up the car on the Friday, an E400 sedan, V6 twin turbo fire breathing piece of work.

Of course, it wasn't me I needed to be worried about, my wife is a petite little blonde girl with a science PHD ( so a proper one, not one in the arts or some bullshit) who is 2 steps away from entering in Bathhurst. So, she gets into the car, starts it up, reverses back out of the driveway and goes "rear wheel drive, that's good" and then proceeds to take it to an industrial estate that has roads set up as a race track, uses the paddles for the gears and scares the living s**t out of me and the kids. There was a video a while back with Cam Smith getting pranked by a V* Supercar driver...yeah, that's how I felt. Still, she is an absolute gun driver and it was never in doubt but still, frigging maniac.

In saying this, I have never understood why someone would spend so much cash on a car but let me just say, if you have a lazy 150k burning a hole in your pocket, you could do worse than look down on the rest of the world in your Mercedes. Getting back into my cars really put things in perspective...they are s**t, very functional, never break down but yeah, not in the same league. Best thing about that weekend was my Mother in Law in the back seat complaining about how fast my wife drove when overtaking but there is a difference between putting your foot down in a Mercedes, kind of like that s**t the Millennium Falcon used to do.

Sister in Laws Engagement was cool, Cucina in North Adelaide, upstairs, free alcomohol and the meal was pretty good, so I was OK missing the first week.

Now, I left a guy ( the wicky) in charge of the team first week, explicit instructions " we have a really good bowling attack, if you win the toss bowl" he won the toss and batted. Everyone got a bat and we batted out our overs to score 206, so even though it was heavily overcast and we had a really good bowling attack, we still managed a fairly decent score.

Imagine how stoked I was to see the weather forecast three days out saying 30 and sunny, like pefect batting weather. Luckily for the wicky who was a fair chance at a punch to the back of his head, the weather sped up a bit and got overcast...and low cloud too by time we started. As we had two players drop down from the higher grade, I opened with them and I was fairly happy that we had three down for 30ish when they had bowled 12 overs between them.

I came on to bowl and after a 5 for last match, I was expecting a fair bollocking because that is just how cricket works. Still, the guy I was bowling first too was swinging a little to happily so I stuck mid on and off back 15 and bowled in widish and full outside off and thank you very much, one ball, one wicket.

With 4 down, they had their two best bats at the crease and one edged my next delivery between the keeper and first and then the one we really wanted to get out spooned the ball up to mid off, where I had put my best fielder.

campaigner dropped it

So, that made the game far harder than it needed to be. If we were in the position of winning the game by 30 overs, I was going to say nah to batting again, just drink beers and get pizzas but that ship had sailed. Could have been gone for 4, he instead hit 64.

Game ticked along, we got a couple of more wickets, had tea break ( which is now a drinks break so we can finish the day quicker, drink beers and still tell our wives we finished at 6 and had a quick beer...not that we finished at 4.30pm had a few beers, talked bollocks, had fun and then came home.

Straight after tea it rained ad with 18 overs left and 80 runs for victory, the keeper said " you should bowl mate but take the pace off it, just bowl spin". Well, I never need to be asked twice to bowl most the overs, especially when I am bowling spin. So I bowled off spin mixing the pace up a bit and some outswingers ( spin out swingers...well swing pies but you know...)

So fatty McFat Fat took another 5 for, this time for 41 off 17 overs. Can't hit a run but taking wickets and we won by 42 runs so the beers were extra good tonight. Strangely, I took 4-13 off nine overs bowling spin...not that my usual bowling is that fast but I guess it is food for thought and far easier to bowl.
 
After the last match of the year being thankfully rained out halfway through the one dayer because we were being bollocked by the opposition. Obviously this was greatly helped with all of the dropped catches we did ( not me, somehow I caught my two) but we must of dropped 20 catches in 35 overs, a remarkable effort bu you just have one of those days.

So we halved that game and started the new year with a new attitude and a training regime...actually on the oval, so yeah it was much more fun and surprisingly we had 2 teams picked by 7pm Thursday. We also honed our sledging at practice which was just fine even if my sledging got a little physical with the 1sts captain but geez, he needs to learn.

So with a beautiful day of 25 and nary a cloud in the sky, the fat captain won the toss and shouted, "batting boys". Now with the way our season has gone this would have meant us pissing away wickets early being all done by tea and ultimately fighting back when out in the field with 20 overs left but today, people put value on their wickets and by tea we had only lost 3 wickets for 160, leaving time to cash in after tea and we did cash in ending up on 309 for 8 at days end.

It was a really good day and one that I was proud to captain and lead from the front. If we played like this all the time, we'd be shitting games in and not be one win and a draw from 5. In the end our wicky got his first 50 of the season, finishing on 65. The highlight was the two Douglas brothers having a "who can hit the biggest 6 competition. 7 boundary clearers in about 5 overs and the younger brother won the biggest hit but the older brother with 5 maximums probably won the day.

As to the fat captain, he is back in form though fell before he had a chance to get himself his maiden ton for the season. 74 was a far better effort than the s**t I have produced and I guess it was just being tired in the end. If I had stayed in the way I was batting, I would have cost the side at least 50 runs as there is no way I can hit a ball like the brothers.

So, without being cocky, we should win this game
 
So yeah, we won. It wasn't the best of days as the oppo seemed to baulk at our invitation to chase down over 5 an over for victory, which quite frankly was bullshit. So it was that it took us 45 overs to get them out for just 83 runs. Just when I was going to shake hands with the oppo captain and say "lets ditch the last 15 overs and just have beers, our substitute player and club stalwart asked whether we could still make finals.

Now this is the part where I let my team down, I should have said we were no ******* chance, non at all but I answered truthfully that we were like not much of a chance but still an outside one.

So he revved us up and we batted, he said what about an extra point, lets try and get 100 off the last 15.

And so we did, thanks mainly to Dan, a guy who has shoulders so big he could take up tree chopping next week and probably be Aus champ inside four weeks who hit his first ever 50, off about 22 deliveries. See, I'd love to hit sixes like he hits, for the old timers, it is reminiscent of Lance Cairns, just seems to hit through the ball, not overly quick swing, heck, not even sure he middles it but geez, they go a very long way. Sadly, his mishits go further than my from the middle of the far more expensive bat shots...actually gives me the shits if I am honest.

So, I know regular readers of the thread will think "what's going on, been at least 4 matches since you bought a new bat, maybe 5, have you lost your bottle son?"

So obviously, I haven't lost m bottle. As much as my Hitman bat is the s**t, it has developed a crack in the toe. So I taped the but up but couldn't quite help but think, sure others think the bat has a few more years but they spend money on stupid things like their kids.

I have now bought a Blue Dog Sports Wizard. Basically it is a sporting goods company who have put their name on some players willow. So, I had a chat with them and they were confident it had the Hitman covered, it had the Laver and Wood covered, and the Fisher covered, so I bought it.

Reckon they are right too, have knocked the bat in ( remembered what I like about knocking bats in...nothing) and took it down the nest yesterday, absolute ******* cracker of a bat. The bat is better than that (ex) test players bat I got too. The only reason I kept going knocking it in was the middle kept getting bigger and bigger. So, can't wait to use this in a match, maybe I'll hit a six...maybe
 
So, this season I have stepped up to the ones on the thought that I won't have to bowl, because we have better, I am happy to field fine leg to fine leg and bat wherever...happy to be 11.

This has worked out great, I can walk the next day, play with the kids and don't whine to the wife about how much I hurt. Sadly, I do bowl a variety of deliveries, knuckle, back of hand, pies, so I have stepped up to bowl in the second half. I am so old, that I was brought on due to the captain mucking up the bowling set up in a one dayer so on I came, we needed 3 wickets, they needed 14 runs off 3 overs...Jumbo, 1 over, no runs, 3 wickets...and I struggled to walk the next day, like struggled.

As the season has gone on, we have moved onto turf pitches and I forgot all that I love about turf pitches...they make my bowling look good and the ball moves way too much when I am batting to get an edge on it when I am batting. We did start off badly as a team, losing our first three games, two by bugger all but one game, we lost to a crap side who had a guy score 90 in a one dayer to take his team across the line...reckon he has scored about 7 in the next 8 matches, that day he was a mix of Bradman and ABD.

So we had to win the last two matches of the year to get into the finals and we have done it, not sure if we have come second, third or fourth at this stage, waiting on results.

Big two weeks ahead, we have some damn good players...and me, so hopefully, those damn good players pull their weight :)

On the positive though, one of my mates has a son playing district who got a new bat because his had a "massive crack" in it. His bat with a crack was a 2 pound eight L&W Reserve. He asked me what he should do with the unwanted bat and sight unseen...I said I'd give him a hundred for it. Kinda figured I would have to send it off for repair and I'd be 250 down with a nice bat or I was down a hundred with an unusable bat.

Had to keep a very straight face when I saw the bat...normal wear and tear, bat has got years in it and a really sweet middle. So, I made my first top flight 50 last weekend with the bat, it may be the last time I beat my age with the bat, I am getting old...

So, if you are in finals, good luck, may you not get out to arsey one hand catches, get a dubious LBW against their gun bat when you are bowling and catches hit to you are dead set dollies.
 
So, we ended up second, not a bad effort but the side that is third is the side I would pick to win if we don't...this semi final decides the winner...I hope. The side we are going to play, played a one day match and scored 342 off their 35 overs, which is obscene but it was on hard wicket on a school sized oval but still, you have to score them. Hopefully, the theory of double ton one week, duck the next holds true for the oppo star bat.

Should be an interesting game, far more interesting if we don't bowl me and score the runs before I have to bat
 
Drugs Are Bad Mackay? said:
Are finals one day affairs?
Click to expand...

I could only wish, both two dayers, Saturday/Sunday. On a slightly amusing note, I called the captain to tell him I couldn't make training on Thursday and said " I can't play Saturday and Sunday...and train.

On the positive, I have just seen the team we have picked, 10 brilliant cricketers and me rounding out the 11. When you consider that last match I was in second drop and this game, after bagging a 50* I am now 5th drop...and there is no way I could complain at the demotion. Definitely should not get a bowl and hopefully not a bat, particularly if our gun under 15 state player does his stuff ( you know that 14 year old who just makes the game look soooo easy and you think "why am I here...maybe just to spectate..."

*When I walked off the ground after the 50, one of the spectators watching, stopped me and said my batting reminded him of the time he watched Michael Clarke score his triple ton. Frankly, comparisons with Michael Clarke embarrass me, firstly, I'm not scared of the short stuff at my ribs and secondly, I know how to make a relationship work
 

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Into the final boys. Thank god we have 10 decent cricketers in the side to make up for me. :)

So our gun 14 year old comes in at first drop and I swear he hit two, maybe three shots to the fielders, everything else was into the gap. On a field that was a bit slow and probably cost us 50-60 runs, he tonned up looking every bit the champ as he did it. We had a few other players chime in to get us to 235 in our 70 overs. Sadly, I was out to one of the worst LB decisions the game has seen...nah, I have a bat, did myself no favours missing the ball, got my front foot out to far to a top spinner and paid the price.

Anyways, as good as they are, 235 is a decent total and on a pitch with a bit of green, low clouds and humidity, we were in the drivers seat. To be honest their batters mis read the game a bit, they had the opportunity to cement a few partnerships but just didn't and suddenly 2 for 70 became 8 for 85 and the game was long gone for them.

Anyways, they have a whole long weekend ahead of them next week
 
Last edited:
Mutineer said:
jumboprince
This should be right up your alley....no cheating

www.wisden.com

Quiz! Batters With 5000 Test Runs To Average Over 50

Name the 28 men who hold the special distinction of 5000 or more runs and a 50-plus average in the game's longest format, in this quiz!
www.wisden.com www.wisden.com
Click to expand...
Bradman
Ponting
Waugh S
Smith S
Chappell G
Hussey M
Hayden
Border

Gower
Cowdrey C


Tendulkar
Gavaskar
Sehwag
Azzarhudin


Kallis J
Smith G
Pollock S

Crowe M

Richards IVA
Greendige G
Lloyd C
Richardson R
Kallicharan A
 
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