Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Duck Farmer]

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When he saw the levee he forgot to brake.

 

[Papa G]

Ran into this crazy Christian Anti Homosexuality campaigner the other day. He said to me God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Magpiespower.

 

[Grave Danger]

When he saw the levee he forgot to brake.

cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do no good

 

[philreich]

Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship. I just wish I knew if it was my wife or my girlfriend!!!!!

 

[philreich]

My mother in law bought a talking parrot. After a week she took it back to the point of sale and said that the parrot hadn't said a word. "I haven't had a f ***ing chance!!!!", said the parrot.

 

[Power Plus]

My wife left me because she thinks I'm old fashioned. I'll wager a shilling she's courting a coloured chap.
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A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The man leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The man leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." Again, the man leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
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Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat. My nan had one. She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did * all.

 

[bomberclifford]

 

[wannabejack]

The police came to my house last night.
They asked me if I was familiar with the letters HR?
I said, "No I'm not". They said "How about SA?"
I said "No I'm not! Am I a suspect or something"?
They said "No, these are just initial enquiries."

 

[Tredz]

The police came to my house last night.
They asked me if I was familiar with the letters HR?
I said, "No I'm not". They said "How about SA?"
I said "No I'm not! Am I a suspect or something"?
They said "No, these are just initial enquiries."

 

[philreich]

 

[philreich]

I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he's had. He started counting, and then fell asleep.

 

[Garibaldi Red]

Not sure what the missus was watching last night but I heard her laugh and then she relayed this joke to me.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

 

[Grave Danger]

What rhymes with orange?




















No it doesn't.

 

[Power Girl]

What rhymes with orange?




















No it doesn't.

The worst part about that joke it took me about 30 seconds to work out. I’m going to sit in the corner now

 

[68vette]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

So a bear walks into a bar and the barman says what’ll ya have? And the bear says “I’ll have a gin...





and Tonic”

Barman says “why the big pause?”

and the bear says “I dunno.. my dad had em”

 

[sobrave]

 

[raman]

 

[Sober_Rich]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

[Portology]

Well after 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion - and why, during this terrible time?? He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money.

A genuinely nice bloke and a brilliant vet.

 

[raman]

Well after 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion - and why, during this terrible time?? He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money.

A genuinely nice bloke and a brilliant vet.

This worked gangbusters on me because I wasn't aware what thread I was in while I was reading it.

 

[philreich]

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?

To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.

 

[Pear1870]

Three inmates, Smith, Wilson and Cohen, were to received ten lashings for breaking strict prison rules but because it was close to Easter, the warden wanted to show leniency with the punishment. "I'll allow each person to have something applied to their back" said the warden. Smith decided grease would be a good idea and although the whipping hurt it was better than having no grease at all. The warden then asked Wilson who replied he didn't want anything on his back and took the ten lashes, one at a time without flinching. Before Cohen received his punishment, the warden asked what he wanted on his back to which Cohen replied "On my back, I want Wilson"
.
.

 

[philreich]

 

[Ford Fairlane]

The worst part about that joke it took me about 30 seconds to work out. I’m going to sit in the corner now

http://www.jokeexplainer.com/2017/09/what-rhymes-with-orange.html