Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[philreich]

A cricket club was advertising for new players. A horse reads the advertisement, and rocks up at the club. He says to the manager, "I saw your ad in the paper, and I'd like to try out for the team."

The manager composes himself for a moment, and then says, "But you're a horse."

The horse says, "So? Where in your constitution does it say that horses can't play cricket?"

The manager says, "OK you got me there. All right - come to training on Tuesday, and we'll see what you've got."

So the horse arrives at training on the following Tuesday. He's clearly keen to impress, because he already has his pads on when he gets there. He gets into the nets, and he starts smashing the ball to all parts. Everyone agrees that they have a potential superstar on their hands, and the manager says to him, "Right - you're opening the batting on Saturday!!!.

Game day arrives - the horse's team wins the toss, and without hesitation, the skipper says," We'll have a bat." Minutes later the horse and his bemused partner (presumably he'd never batted with a horse before) stride to the wicket. The horse whispers in his ear, "I'll take the first over - you just stand and admire."

So the first ball is bowled. It's a long hop, and the ball disappears over the bowler's head for 6. The bowler - obviously peeved by this, bowls a vicious bumper. But the 4 legged Bradman is into position in a flash, and the ball disappears over square leg for 6. Whatever the bowler tries, the horse is equal to the challenge, and after an extraordinary first over, the score is 0 for 36.

Then the other batsman faces the first ball of the second over. It's a good ball on off stump. The batsman treats it with respect, bunts the ball into the off side, and calls for a single. To his horror, the horse is leaning on his bat at the non striker's end. He turns around in a vain attempt to regain his ground, but is run out by several metres. As he's trudging off the ground, he says to the horse, "Why didn't you run?"

The horse says, "Mate if I could run, I'd be in the Melbourne Cup."

 

[sobrave]

A cricket club was advertising for new players. A horse reads the advertisement, and rocks up at the club. He says to the manager, "I saw your ad in the paper, and I'd like to try out for the team."

The manager composes himself for a moment, and then says, "But you're a horse."

The horse says, "So? Where in your constitution does it say that horses can't play cricket?"

The manager says, "OK you got me there. All right - come to training on Tuesday, and we'll see what you've got."

So the horse arrives at training on the following Tuesday. He's clearly keen to impress, because he already has his pads on when he gets there. He gets into the nets, and he starts smashing the ball to all parts. Everyone agrees that they have a potential superstar on their hands, and the manager says to him, "Right - you're opening the batting on Saturday!!!.

Game day arrives - the horse's team wins the toss, and without hesitation, the skipper says," We'll have a bat." Minutes later the horse and his bemused partner (presumably he'd never batted with a horse before) stride to the wicket. The horse whispers in his ear, "I'll take the first over - you just stand and admire."

So the first ball is bowled. It's a long hop, and the ball disappears over the bowler's head for 6. The bowler - obviously peeved by this, bowls a vicious bumper. But the 4 legged Bradman is into position in a flash, and the ball disappears over square leg for 6. Whatever the bowler tries, the horse is equal to the challenge, and after an extraordinary first over, the score is 0 for 36.

Then the other batsman faces the first ball of the second over. It's a good ball on off stump. The batsman treats it with respect, bunts the ball into the off side, and calls for a single. To his horror, the horse is leaning on his bat at the non striker's end. He turns around in a vain attempt to regain his ground, but is run out by several metres. As he's trudging off the ground, he says to the horse, "Why didn't you run?"

The horse says, "Mate if I could run, I'd be in the Melbourne Cup."

the build up was better than the punchline which was quite a groaner. good solid dad joke

 

[Duck Farmer]

philreich owns this thread

 

[philreich]

An Australian, an Englishman and a Jew are in a WW2 Nazi concentration camp. One day they're led into the interrogation room. In walks the Nazi officer, and without so much as a hello, he says, "I vill ask you each a qvestion - if you can give me ze right answer, you may go free." He says to the Australian, "Ze sinking of ze Titanic: in vot year did it occur?" The Aussie thinks for a moment, and then says, "1912?"

The Nazi says, "Zat is correct - you may go free." So the Australian is out of the camp before you could say, "Andrew Fagan is a liar."

Then the Nazi says to the Englishman, "Ze sinking of ze Titanic: approximately how many many men and how many vomen died?"

The Pom hesitates and then says, "About 707 men, and 816 women mate." The Nazi seems to be in a generous mood - he says, "Zat is close enough: you may go free alzo."

The Englishman is out that gate before you could say, "Taylor Walker is brain dead."

Then the Nazi looks deeply into the eyes of the Jew and says, "Vot vere their names?"

 

[pastmyprimus]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know

 

[raman]

Can someone remind me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks.

 

[philreich]

Can someone remind me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks.

This thread is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get.......

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Pear1870]

A Frenchman, a German and a Jewish man were walking through the desert for hours.
The Frenchman says "I am hot, I am tired, I am thirsty, I must have ....I must have...French champagne." They all kept walking and after a few more hours, the German says " I am hot, I am tired, I am thirsty , I must have....I must have......German beer". They all kept walking and after a few more hours the Jewish man says "oi, am i hot, am I tired, am I thirsty, I must have...I must have..... diabetes."
.

 

[Pear1870]

A 98 year old Jewish man went to a lumber yard to apply for a tree felling position.
The manager couldn't believe the application, the guy was too old and too frail for such a demanding physical job. He looked like he could not lift an axe let alone fell a tree with it. But he didn't want to dismiss the applicant so asked if he had had any tree felling experience.
"Sure" said the man "for many years I worked in the Sahara Forrest"
"Sahara Forrest ??? It's called the Sahara Desert mate" said the manager.
........ "Well it is now"

.
.

 

[Pear1870]

A man in his 40s met the woman he wanted to marry and was to introduce her to his Jewish mother. Rather than one woman he brought three women to the house to see if his mother could pick the woman of his dreams.
After the introduction and idle chit chat, he lined the women up and asked his mother to select who she thought was the one.
She selected the middle one and her son was amazed.
"You selected the correct person mama, how did you know after such a short time?"
The mother said "she's the one I don't like"
.

 

[Grave Danger]

A 98 year old Jewish man went to a lumber yard to apply for a tree felling position.
The manager couldn't believe the application, the guy was too old and too frail for such a demanding physical job. He looked like he could not lift an axe let alone fell a tree with it. But he didn't want to dismiss the applicant so asked if he had had any tree felling experience.
"Sure" said the man "for many years I worked in the Sahara Forrest"
"Sahara Forrest ??? It's called the Sahara Desert mate" said the manager.
........ "Well it is now"

.
.

Whenever I see something about tree fellers I think it's going to be an Irish joke...

 

[wannabejack]

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle," he says.
"Who's on your back?" someone asks.
"That's Michelle."

 

[Ford Fairlane]

I don't get it?

Have you learned nothing from Woody Allen movies?

 

[Magus]

 

[raman]

 

[Duck Farmer]

View attachment 875067

Prefer Striders on the Storm.

 

[Pear1870]

A man went to the doctor notifying that he suffered from silent gas emissions.
The doctor required more information so the man explained he had played bridge a few nights previous and had about 8 or so of the silent gas emissions, again on a bus trip to the Riverland but because they were silent it wasn't such a big deal. He also notified the doctor he had had about 6 or so silent gas emissions since the start of the consultation. He asked the doctor if there was anything the doctor could suggest. The doctor said " yes, I suggest you make an appointment with a hearing specialist".

 

[Alberton Proud]

Who can drink 5L of petrol without getting sick ?

Jerry Can !

 

[Alberton Proud]

A man went to the doctor notifying that he suffered from silent gas emissions.
The doctor required more information so the man explained he had played bridge a few nights previous and had about 8 or so of the silent gas emissions, again on a bus trip to the Riverland but because they were silent it wasn't such a big deal. He also notified the doctor he had had about 6 or so silent gas emissions since the start of the consultation. He asked the doctor if there was anything the doctor could suggest. The doctor said " yes, I suggest you make an appointment with a hearing specialist".

Why isn't the man Jewish ?

 

[Pear1870]

Why isn't the man Jewish ?

We don't fart ☺

 

[Pear1870]

But the doctor was

 

[pastmyprimus]

Husband : Oh no, our neighbour died
Wife : Who, Ray
Husband : I don't think cheering is appropriate

 

[Portwon]

One of my favourite old dad jokes. Liked it when I was nine.It is pretty bad though.

So dooodah was a bus conductor on one of the old red double decker buses in the UK that had an entrance and stairs at the back.

He used to watch the passengers get on snip the ticket and shout out "right you are bob" to the driver as he hung off the pole half out the bus.

Now bob and dooodah worked together for years and liked to finish right on time so they used to race back to the depot right before six each night and take the last turn really fast causing dooodah to fall off roll a couple of times dust himself off get back on and call out right you are bob and they would continue in and clock off right in time.

One night bob was running really late so took that turn extra fast and dooodah rolled but didn't get up. Bob waited but "no right you are".

He got off to have a look but his old mate was gone. Had passed. No longer with us.

Bob thought how do I handle this. Who is going to tell the family?.

Long story short Bob decides it's got to be him so drives over to tell his old mate wife still not sure how to do it.

He walked up to the door still unsure what to. The door opens so he starts to sing.....

Guess who died on the bus today....

Not as bad as the old joke about the the guy who played captain kirk stopping his lingerie line cos Shatner panties weren't selling well.

 

[philreich]

I'm finding lately that the first 5 days after the weekend are often the hardest.