Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Eddie Dingle]

I found out there are people who eat animal guts and entrails.


I think that's offal.

 

[Lagooner]

Hey Dad I’m just going to get a haircut.

Which one? How about I cut it for you instead of going out into the community unnecessarily and bringing back a potentially lethal disease into this house and passing it on to me and your mother in order to get your inheritance early you selfish little prick.

 

[Shaucob_Burjan]

What's yellow and smells like bananas?

Monkey vomit.

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

 

[Smithy7]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose? asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything

I have posted this before .. but I like it LOL

 

[Grave Danger]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

 

[Eddie Dingle]

What’s the difference between sand and period blood?

You can’t gargle sand

 

[Eddie Dingle]

Wrong thread?

 

[Contested Marx]

What’s the difference between sand and period blood?

You can’t gargle sand

Trent McKenzie aka 'the Dolmio Grin' likes this

 

[Ford Fairlane]

A blonde rushes up to her boyfriend and excitedly tells him "Look, I finished my jigsaw puzzle"

Her boyfriend looks at it and asks "What's the big deal?"

The blonde replies "Well Mr Smartypants, the box says 3 to 5 years and it only took me two weeks!"

 

[Eddie Dingle]

How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is?


Give it a weigh now

 

[Port Woolwich]

What do you call a Man standing between two buildings?

Ali


What do you call a drunk man standing between two buildings?

Hammed Ali


What do you call a drunk man with a moustache standing between two buildings?

Mohammed Ali


What do you call a woman who cannot draw?

Tracy


What do you call a man with no kneecaps?

Neil


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs going for a swim?

Bob


What do you call a man who has his head stuck in a lawnmower?

Sean

 

[Eddie Dingle]

I met all the guys from the band R.E.M and got a photo with them


that’s me in the corner

 

[Eddie Dingle]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

 

[Ford Fairlane]

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

 

[Ford Fairlane]

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!

 

[Garibaldi Red]

What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

 

[Eddie Dingle]

What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no genitals?

still no ****ing idea.

 

[Eddie Dingle]

If I see a robbery at an Apple store does that make me an iWitness?

 

[Garibaldi Red]

A bloke was walking along the beach and spies a beautiful woman with no arms and no legs.
He went up to her and told her how beautiful she was.
She responded saying "none has ever said that to me before".
He then asked her if she had been kissed before, to which she responded "No"
So he laid down next to her and gave her a kiss.
He then asked if she had ever been kissed on the breasts before. Again she responded with a no.
So he starts kissing her breasts.
He then asks if she has ever been fcuked before and gets the same, but this time excited, response of "No".
So he picks her up and throws her in the sea.

 

[Papa G]

What do you call a Man standing between two buildings?

Ali


What do you call a drunk man standing between two buildings?

Hammed Ali


What do you call a drunk man with a moustache standing between two buildings?

Mohammed Ali


What do you call a woman who cannot draw?

Tracy


What do you call a man with no kneecaps?

Neil


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs going for a swim?

Bob


What do you call a man who has his head stuck in a lawnmower?

Sean

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene

What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg?

Irene

 

[Garibaldi Red]

What do you call a bloke with a spade?

Doug

 

[Magus]

View attachment 846421

Did you know you can test an ant's gender by putting it in water?

If it sinks - girl ant.

And if it floats - buoyant.

 

[Ford Fairlane]

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.