An Irishman is in court, charged with a felony. When it's his turn in the witness box, he's asked the inevitable question, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
The Irishman hesitates, before saying, "Gee I don't know - I'm not sure."
The judge interjects, and says angrily, "Now look here. Those who do not tell the truth in a court of law may be found guilty of what is known as purgery, and anyone found guilty of purgery may be liable to a jail sentence of up to 2 years."
The Irishman's eyes light up, and those who are present in the court room can see his mind ticking over. After a few moments, he says to the judge," Your honour, did you say 2 years?"
The judge nods, and the Irishman continues," Well in that case, I'm going to commit purgery."
The court room is stunned, including the judge, who says, "How on earth do you come to that conclusion?"
The Irishman says with a smile, "It's quite simple your honour. If I commit purgery, I get locked up for 2 years. But if I tell the truth, I'll get put away for at least 10."
A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers. He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit, and she asked him if there was anything he could do. The undertaker told the widow that he would do what he could and to come back in three days.
When the widow returned three days later, she found her husband in his coffin, wearing a stunning blue suit. She was overcome with gratitude and asked the undertaker how he'd managed this. The undertaker replied, not half an hour after you left, a lady brought in her late husband, who was wearing a blue suit. She told me how he'd always wanted to buried in a grey suit, but she couldn't afford a new one, so I told her I'd see what I could do and to return in three days. After she'd left, I checked and he was about the same height and build as your husband so I swapped the heads.
Betty goes to church every Sunday, praying fervently, desperately to her God that she might win the lottery.
“Oh God, please, God... let me win the lottery”
After ... some months of this, one Sunday morning Betty is down on her knees at prayer yet again... “Oh God, please, God...” when suddenly she hears a distant roll of thunder and a deep voice booms out...