Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[shewho]

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?

A. A toilet doesn’t follow you ’round when your finished with it.

 

[Eddie Dingle]

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?

A. A toilet doesn’t follow you ’round when your finished with it.

that’s racist

 

[raman]

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?

A. A toilet doesn’t follow you ’round when your finished with it.

Everything I've learned online about the current hookup scene tells me this works better with genders reversed.

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Garibaldi Red]

Guy gets wheeled into a pub, he has no arms and no legs.
After a couple of beers he challenges another patron to a game of darts.
The patron looks at him and asks how can he play darts.
The guy in the chair says, "just put the darts in my mouth".
He complies with the request still a bit bemused, then he hears "now throw the dart board at me"

 

[Grave Danger]

Guy gets wheeled into a pub, he has no arms and no legs.
After a couple of beers he challenges another patron to a game of darts.
The patron looks at him and asks how can he play darts.
The guy in the chair says, "just put the darts in my mouth".
He complies with the request still a bit bemused, then he hears "now throw the dart board at me"

 

[haveago]

I know your avatar is Wayne Harms, but Christ it could be Ron Jeremy.

Had to look him up, interesting fellow but could he take a hanger and kick a 70m torp?
Seems like he has done just about everything else

 

[bomberclifford]

Little Jonny comes running into the kitchen yelling, “Mum, Mum! There’s a flat dog on the road!” Jonny’s Mum says, “Oh no, that’s terrible! Did it get hit by a car?”

Jonny says, “I don’t know but there’s another dog trying to pump it up.”

 

[snozulu]

 

[snozulu]

An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar. I know because they told me.

 

[snozulu]

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

 

[crafty_bernardo]

 

[Teal Plums]

I think Raman's Dad was Bevan Spencer Von Einem.

What has hit more balls than Sir Donald Bradman's bat?

Von Einem's chin

 

[manureid]

I hope some of you aren't Dads.

 

[philreich]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Jew walk into a restaurant early one morning (this was obviously before the outbreak of the virus), sit down and start eating. They keep eating for the rest of the morning, and well into the afternoon. Finally around 4pm, they can't fit another morsel into their bloated bodies, and they call for the bill. The waiter hands the bill to the Englishman, who nearly faints when he reads, "$650." The Scotsman says, "I'll pay for that."

Next morning, the front page of the paper reads, "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND DEAD BEHIND RESTAURANT."

 

[NEGAN]

View attachment 846653

 

[philreich]

Walked up to a hot looking chick in a bar the other night and said to her, "I'd give you one." If looks could kill, I'd now be pushing up daisies - she said to me, "You disgusting pig: I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man alive."

I replied calmly, "Calm the farm fatty - I was merely giving you a score out of 10."

 

[bomberclifford]

This belongs here

 

[GremioPower]

Many word-plays have escaped me. :-(

 

[Contested Marx]

My go-to joke at the kids was always:

How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and put a pea next to it, then when he comes to take a pea...

You kick him in the ice-hole.



Probably better verbally than written

 

[portfan36]

I'm not sure this is the correct thread to post this but I thought you should all have a look at this as it really shows the best of human generosity in these current crazy times:

 

[EskimoPAFC]

How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a woman?


s**t in her campaigner

This is like the exact opposite of a dad joke.

 

[bomberclifford]

This is like the exact opposite of a dad joke.

Depends on the dad.

 

[philreich]

A fanatical Crows fan goes to every home game, and he takes his dog with him each week. The dog is clearly emotionally involved in the game - every time a Crow takes a mark, he wags his tail, and after every Crows goal, he barks excitedly.

At the end of this particular game, the final siren sounds, and his beloved Crows are ahead when it matters most. The dog jumps into his owner's arms, and licks his face lovingly. An opposition supporter leans over and says to the owner, "Well done on the win today. But I couldn't help noticing your remarkable dog. If he behaves like this after a win, what's he like after the Crows win the flag?"

The owner looks stumped. He thinks for a moment, and then says, "Dunno - I've only had him for 20 years."

 

[EskimoPAFC]

Alright I'll throw in the ultimate love/hate joke.


A bloke walks in to a bar and half of his head is an orange.

He goes to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, "yeah sure, but can I ask you something? Why is half of your head an orange?"

The bloke says "Well, to be honest it's a long story, it all started a few weeks ago... I was walking along the beach and I came across an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I thought it might be worth something so I picked it up and gave it a rub to polish it.

Suddenly, a genie popped out!

The genie looked at me and said 'I am the genie of the lamp. By rubbing the lamp I will now grant you three wishes'

I was a bit taken aback, but soon realised this was my lucky day.

'Ok Genie, with my first wish, I want a thousand bucks!'

'Your wish is my command' said the genie as he clicked his fingers...

And as soon as he did, the beach was suddenly flooded with a thousand ducks! They all came at me flying and quacking loudly!

'Genie that's not what I meant! Get rid of them!!'

'Sorry master, I must have misunderstood' the genie said as he waved his hand and the ducks disappeared. 'Unfortunately, you still only have two wishes left....'

I thought about my second wish a bit more, I wanted to make sure that there couldn't be another mistake.

'Ok genie, with my second wish, please be careful with this one... I want a giant house, right here on the beach!'

'Your wish is my command' said the genie as he clicked his fingers...

But a house didn't appear, instead a giant mouse suddenly appeared next to us. I started running away and yelled 'Not what I meant not what I meant!!'

The genie again apologised and with a wave of his hand got rid of the mouse. 'Well, you have one wish left master, I will be very careful this time.'

So I thought about my last wish hard. I wanted to make sure it was something this genie couldn't possibly mess up. I even got out a pen and paper and wrote it down so that he could read it as I said it...

'Genie. Listen and read this very carefully. This is my last chance. Do not screw this up.'

'With my third and final wish, I wish that half of my head was an orange.'"