Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Butters Made Me Do It]

All right, a lot of you are in close quarters and your families are sick of your dad humour...but you gotta get it out!! Or be at risk of social distance within your own home...

Relax. Here's a place where you can drop your chortleworthy remarks instead, and then go back to your family to act like a normal human being.

I'll start you off:

Hi, I'm starting a thread.

 

[Ant Bear]

philreich, in here, mate.

 

[Interstater]

Where in the supermarket does Arnie Schwartzenegger get his toilet paper.

Spoiler

Aisle B, back

 

[Interstater]

What do you call someone with custard in one ear and sponge cake in the other?

Spoiler

A trifle deaf

 

[Ford Fairlane]

Man and wife are checking out of a hotel. The man notices the bill includes a $50 fee for use of the swimming pool. He tells the hotel clerk they didn't use the pool. The clerk replies, That's not the issue sir, it was there all the time for you to use.

OK says the guy and proceeds to pay the clerk $100 less than the bill. The clerk says, Wait a minute sir, this amount is $100 short. No it's not said the guy, I'm charging you $100 for having sex with my wife.

The clerk is shocked and says, Sir I can assure you I did not have sex with your wife.

The man replies, That's not the issue, she was there all the time.

Boom tish.

 

[Eddie Dingle]

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet?



Cos the p is silent

 

[Eddie Dingle]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him off at school?



Bison.

 

[philreich]

Saw a sign outside a pub the other night:

TOILET PAPER IS NOW A CURRENCY - 8 ROLLS = 1 PIZZA.

 

[Shaucob_Burjan]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

 

[chachi11]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

 

[Ford Fairlane]

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.



DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-da...oogle&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

 

[Ford Fairlane]

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

[GremioPower]

Here, it is "uncle joke."

I love this kind of jokes. I am even on the "Dad's Jokes" Facebook group. I am always doing those jokes for my kids. They hate it...

 

[PowerBaz]

Had symptoms for 5 days and got tested 3 days ago
Thankfully all good

 

[PowerBaz]

When I go to a check-out and the person behind the counter goes 'hey' - I always say, 'Horses eat that'...... (I actually do)...

 

[raman]

Hi, I'm starting a thread.

Hi Starting a Thread, I'm raman.

 

[Eddie Dingle]

How does NASA organise a party?


They planet

 

[Eddie Dingle]

when you have a bladder infection




urine trouble

 

[Eddie Dingle]

My best dad joke was wasted in the other thread......

There was a busker playing ABBA songs really loud in the mall the other night



You could hear the drums from nandos

 

[simba_]

you're only as old as the woman you feel

idk if this is a dad joke but i did the old "did you hear that actress got stabbed... reese.." "witherspoon?" "no with a knife" to my mum like 10 years ago and it still haunts her

 

[raman]

True story, I once asked my Dad what "pasteurised" meant on the milk carton, and he must've been waiting for this moment since I was born.

He said "They put all the milk on a conveyor belt and a guy just stands there and looks at it as it goes past"

 

[GremioPower]

Jesus! I love you all. My belly aches, and my wife is sure I have gotten mad! Best. Thread. Ever!

 

[Grave Danger]

What do you call a Mexican who's had his car stolen?


Carlos

 

[Ford Fairlane]

What's yellow and smells like bananas?

Monkey vomit.