Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[raman]

Norm MacDonald at the Bob Saget roast telling 1960s roast jokes.

 

[Smithy7]

Billy Connolly .. best joke teller ever ..

 

[Doctor Feel]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

What do you call a man with a small penis?


Justin

 

[Ford Fairlane]

Man goes for a round of golf. The course is busy and another guy there asks if it's ok if he plays his round with him. Man says sure and away they go.

After a while they get to talking and the first guy asks the second what he does for a living. He says I'm an accountant. He asks the other guy what he does and he says I'm a hitman. Seriously? asks the the accountant. Yeah really says the hitman, have a look in my golf bag.

The accountant looks and sure enough there is a dismantled rifle and telescopic sight. That's incredible says the accountant. He takes out the sight and is looking around at surrounding buildings. Suddenly he gasps and says Bloody Hell!

What's the matter asks the hitman. The accountant replies I can see my wife and she's naked with another man in that apartment.

Then he says to the hitman What do you charge for a hit? The hitman replies $10,000 a hit. Right says the accountant, I want you to shoot her in the head and him in the balls. I'll pay you $20,000.

No worries says the hitman. He assembles the rifle and sights and lines up the shots. He spends the next few minutes sighting. The accountant gets frustrated and asks What's taking so long? The hitman replies, I feel sorry for you so I'm trying to save you 10 grand.

*courtesy Billy Connolly

 

[Marat]

A horse walks into a pub and sidles up to the bar. Barman turns to him and says - why the long face?

 

[Prison bar Pete]

A horse walks into a pub and sidles up to the bar. Barman turns to him and says - why the long face?

Of course: the quintessential Dad joke. Surprised it took so long to come up!

 

[raptalia]

In a early sixties shortly after French President Charles De Gaulle retired from public life he and Mme. De Gaulle were feted at a State Banquet hosted by Her Majesty The Queen.

When asked what she expected to find in retired life Mme De Gaulle stunned the gathering by answering in a strong French accent, 'a penis'.

The Queen was the first to twig and said, 'Oh you mean happiness'.


Some of us might find a penis but I hope we all find happiness after we are through this.

 

[Schulzenfest]

A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

 

[philreich]

Two gay golfers are out on their local golf course one day. They've just arrived at the 12th hole, and the winner of the previous hole is about to tee off, when suddenly a stray ball lands in front of them. One of them immediately has an evil thought, and he relays it to his friend, "I say Cyril - I've got an idea. Why don't you lie on the ground, and when the owner of this ball comes to hit his next shot, we'll tell him that his ball hit you in the head, and we're gonna sue him for every cent he owns."

So Cyril does as he's told, and seconds later the ball's owner appears. He approaches the ball, and is about to hit his next shot when the gay guy says to him, "Look what your ball did to my friend: we're gonna sue you." He scoffs at the notion, and says, "Yeah? Well you can kiss my arse."

The gay guy rushes over to his prostrate friend and says excitedly, "Cyril get up - he's gonna settle out of court."

 

[Eddie Dingle]

Dyslexic man walked into a bra

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa

Dyslexic bloke love pr0n. His favourite was Debbie Does Salad

 

[Duck Farmer]

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa

He was the best mate of the dyslexic athiest who didn't believe in Dog.

 

[bomberclifford]

I just lost it in Chemist Warehouse...

Saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!! I called him a selfish a-hole, and gave him a low down about the elderly, mums, and people who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself!

He said: “Are you done? Cause I really need to get back to restocking the shelves now.”.

 

[Tredz]

Roses are red;
Violets are blue;
I'm schizophrenic;
And so am I.

 

[Brian McGee]

In a early sixties shortly after French President Charles De Gaulle retired from public life he and Mme. De Gaulle were feted at a State Banquet hosted by Her Majesty The Queen.

When asked what she expected to find in retired life Mme De Gaulle stunned the gathering by answering in a strong French accent, 'a penis'.

The Queen was the first to twig and said, 'Oh you mean happiness'.


Some of us might find a penis but I hope we all find happiness after we are through this.

Haha. If you haven’t seen it look up super troopers 2 the key to life scene.

 

[Grave Danger]

Roses are red;
Violets are blue;
I'm schizophrenic;
And so am I.

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
So goes the age old rhyme
But I know that Rose's are blue
And Violet's are red
Cos I've seen them hanging on the line

 

[Contested Marx]

i used to tell this really good joke about a ceiling.

it's not the best joke i know but it's up there

 

[Contested Marx]

so a policeman pulls over a bloke for speeding and the policeman says, "I notice that your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking?"
the driver gets stroppy and replies, "I couldn't help noticing that your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

a man has been stealing the wheels off police cars, the police chief said, "our officers are working tirelessly to catch him."

police arrested two blokes yesterday. one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
they charged one and let the other one off.

 

[Tredz]

Several trucks loaded with Viagra were hijacked recently;
Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.

 

[raman]

Several trucks loaded with Viagra were hijacked recently;
Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.

Ah yes the Two Ronnies model.

A man with a meat cleaver has been terrorising a nudist colony. An undercover police offer has received a tipoff, but he expects to be back on duty on Monday.

 

[Contested Marx]

re. nudists

How can you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?



It isn't hard

 

[bomberclifford]

Did you hear about the Sommellier who was banned from Maslins?

He was walking around with a Sémillon.

 

[manureid]

My poem about a Grandmothers knickers (courtesy of my favourite show, 8 out of 10 cats does countdown)

Roses Are Red
Violets are Blue
Ethel's are Green.

 

[Ford Fairlane]

Not really a dad joke but this tweet did amuse me ... I feel like it should be titled Life of a Moderator

 

[Forzaport]