Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[bringbackbucky]

A teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely...

 

[El Zorro]

A teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely...

This is one is gold. Very classy.

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[RussellEbertHandball]

 

[philreich]

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 23rd time.

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.​

 

[Grave Danger]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.​

Did she get ribbed?

 

[Eddie Dingle]

Did she get ribbed?

Only by the other spinsters

 

[Grave Danger]

Only by the other spinsters

I googled 'spinster'...

 

[Eddie Dingle]

So there’s this little inflatable boy who goes to an inflatable school with an inflatable head master and one day the little boy runs amok with a drawing pin

pfft, pfft, pfft popping everything

He gets called into the headmasters office for a telling off and the headmaster says to him

“you’ve let yourself down, you’ve let me down, you’ve the whole school down”

 

[philreich]

A fanatical Port fan has been to every match and every single training session since the inception of the club, and for some obscure reason it's starting to affect his marriage. He comes home 3 hours late from a training session one night, and his extremely irate wife is ready for him as soon as he opens the front door, "POWER, POWER. HONESTLY - I RECKON YOU LOVE PORT MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME."

The man replies coldly, "Woman: I love the Crows more than I love you."

Divorce proceedings are now underway.......

 

[proman_x]

A joke from Ken Hinkley.

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's is no menu: You get what you deserve.....

 

[raman]

A guy gets his fiancee's name, Wendy, tattooed on his dick while in an aroused state... don't ask me how that happened, presumably drugs were involved. In default mode all the penis tattoo says is "WY".

Anyway, they get married and take a Caribbean tour for their honeymoon. Standing at a urinal, old mate notices that the local gentleman beside him also has "WY" on his utensil, and says "Your missus is a Wendy too, huh?"

"Oh, no, it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, I hope you enjoy your stay'."

Sorry not sorry.

 

[philreich]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

Santa Claus goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I think I’ve got a mince pie stuck up my bottom". The doctor looks and says "oh dear, you do indeed have a mince pie stuck up your bottom. But you’re in luck – I’ve got some cream for that".

 

[Garibaldi Red]

View attachment 867915

I will have to remember that one on Sunday

 

[Duck Farmer]

A guy gets his fiancee's name, Wendy, tattooed on his dick while in an aroused state... don't ask me how that happened, presumably drugs were involved. In default mode all the penis tattoo says is "WY".

Anyway, they get married and take a Caribbean tour for their honeymoon. Standing at a urinal, old mate notices that the local gentleman beside him also has "WY" on his utensil, and says "Your missus is a Wendy too, huh?"

"Oh, no, it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, I hope you enjoy your stay'."

Sorry not sorry.

Reminds me of the joke about when the West Indies were touring Australia and Michael Holding and Joel Garner were taking a piss off of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Holding turns to Garner and says "Hey mon, the water's not too cold". Garner replies "It's not that deep either."

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Eddie Dingle]

I was walking past a pet shop this afternoon and noticed a sign on a cage in the window, it read "Pedigree Netherlands Cat for Sale" I didn't believe it could be from Holland so I went in and asked....

"How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"

 

[GremioPower]

I will have to remember that one on Sunday

My wife's birthday is May 3rd. I thought the same thing!

 

[Eddie Dingle]

I will have to remember that one on Sunday

Mothers days not this week is it?

 

[GremioPower]

Mothers days not this week is it?

Second Sunday of May, if you follow the US and Brazil.

 

[GremioPower]

My 7 y.o. has just gotten out of the bathroom, with his pants down:

— We are all Australians now... We are out of toilet paper. We will start fighting to the death for them...

 

[Garibaldi Red]

Mothers days not this week is it?

No, the week after, but it is her birthday this week. I will have to wheel the bed to the stovetop two weeks in a row.

She won’t know what hit her, but I will know who hit me