Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Doctor Feel]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Cuzz09]

I don't get it?

Haha me either

On SM-G925I using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[philreich]

Three blondes are all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looks at the three of them and says, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nod.The detective gets up, opens a file drawer, and pulls out a folder.Sitting back down, he opens it, pulls out a picture, and says, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So he sticks the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdraws it after about two seconds.

"Now," he says, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately says, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shakes his head and says, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hangs her head and walks out of the office.

The detective then turns to the second blonde, sticks the photo in her face for two seconds, pulls it back, and says, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective puts his head in his hands and exclaims, “Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant? This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashes the photo for a couple of seconds and withdraws it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowns, takes another look at the picture, and begins looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looks up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

 

[Doctor Feel]

 

[pastmyprimus]

A man was robbed by 6 dwarfs.

Not happy

 

[philreich]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Garibaldi Red]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Smithy7]

 

[philreich]

A man kills a deer, and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both the man and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what type of meat it is, but they'll give them a clue and let them guess what it is.

The kids are keen to know what they're eating, so they beg their father for the clue. Their father says, "It's what your mother calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams and says, "Don't eat it - it's a f***ing ****hole!!!!"

 

[philreich]

A skunk and a rabbit are walking in opposite directions one day, and they bump into each other. They both apologise for their clumsiness, and then the rabbit tells the skunk that he's been blind since birth. The skunk says, "So have I. Hey I've got an idea - why don't we feel each other's features: that way, we can work out what we are." The rabbit approves, so the skunk says, "OK - my idea, so I'll go first. Right: you've got long ears, a little cotton tail, and you smell like carrots."

The rabbit says excitedly, "Wow - I must be a rabbit. OK my turn. You've got a flat nose, and you smell TERRIBLE!!!!"

The skunk says excitedly, "I must be a Collingwood supporter!!!"

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Butters Made Me Do It]

 

[philreich]

My boss told me that there are no problems - only opportunities.

I told him, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."

 

[Tredz]

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex. It was the most horrifying 20 minutes of my life.




Edit: [Note - In reality I've never smoked or drank alcohol.]

 

[philreich]

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex. It was the most horrifying 20 minutes of my life.




Edit: [Note - In reality I've never smoked or drank alcohol.]

It's been suggested that I overdo it with the wine, women and song. So I've decided to stop singing.

 

[Grave Danger]

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex. It was the most horrifying 20 minutes of my life.




Edit: [Note - In reality I've never smoked or drank alcohol.]

 

[philreich]

In late news, Australia Post has announced that they were planning to release an Adelaide Crows postage stamp, to coincide with the club's 30th year in the AFL. However they had second thoughts, after someone suggested that Port fans wouldn't know which side to spit on.

 

[Contested Marx]

"My wife had a sore throat and a fever so she went to the doctor"

"Influenza?"

"No she pretty much went of her own volition"

 

[pastmyprimus]

A wife left her husband because of his obsession with pasta.

He's now feeling cannelloni

 

[philreich]

Geez women do NOTHING but complain. The missus bails me up for nicking $50 out of the kids piggy bank. Then the prostitute went mental when I paid her in 10 and 20 cent pieces.

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[philreich]

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should have stopped when I got to her.