Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

At the end of the tax year, the ATO sends a tax inspector to audit the books of the local hospital. While the taxman is auditing the books, he turns to the executive of the hospital and says, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little to be of any use?"

"Good question", says the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage factory, and every now and again, they send us a free roll."

"Oh", says the taxman - somewhat disappointed that his unusual question resulted in a practical answer. However he is now firmly mounted on his favourite hobby horse, and ready to be critical. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over, after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah yes", replies the executive, who actually didn't have a clue, but rising to the challenge, he says, "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer: every now and again they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my - an answer for everything", responds the auditor, who also fancies himself as a bit of a sharp wit. "So what do you do with all the remains from circumcision surgeries?"

Without batting an eyelid, the executive says, "Here also, we have no wastage. What we do is, we save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
 

Smithy7

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A man kills a deer, and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both the man and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what type of meat it is, but they'll give them a clue and let them guess what it is.

The kids are keen to know what they're eating, so they beg their father for the clue. Their father says, "It's what your mother calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams and says, "Don't eat it - it's a f***ing ****hole!!!!"
 
Adolf goes into a country service station to pay for his petrol.

He approaches the counter and says “Pump number 3, thanks. Can I also get a Deluxe car wash, a footlong meatball sub, and a dozen Krispy Kremes?”

The guy behind the counter says “Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler, if you think we’re On The Run?”
 
Jun 21, 2014
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Adolf goes into a country service station to pay for his petrol.

He approaches the counter and says “Pump number 3, thanks. Can I also get a Deluxe car wash, a footlong meatball sub, and a dozen Krispy Kremes?”

The guy behind the counter says “Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler, if you think we’re On The Run?”

Welcome back from your holiday
 
Rumours abound that a Crows loving husband and wife drove to the debacle against Gold Coast, but left their membership cards in the car. To their horror, when they returned to the vehicle, they discovered that it had been broken into, and there were now 6 Crows membership cards on the front seat.
 
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Chicken, please.'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
 
Whilst many of the guests at a wedding reception were having fun dancing, the groom interrupted proceedings by grabbing the microphone. He began by stating how ecstatic he was to have met such a loving and compassionate partner with whom he could spend the rest of his life. Overcome with romantic inspiration, the groom then felt it his duty to encourage every man in the room to embrace the feelings he was currently experiencing. He thus made the following statement, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
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Pear1870

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A man was explaining to his friend about a work team building exercise that required everyone to do a parachute jump from a plane. He explained how petrified he was and asked to be last person to jump. As each person jumped, he became more and more nervous until it was his turn and he just couldn't do it. The instructed them told him if he didn't jump, he was going to f*** him up the a***. He mate asked "did you jump? ". The guy responded, " yeah, a little at first".
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An Irishman is in court, charged with a felony. When it's his turn in the witness box, he's asked the inevitable question, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

The Irishman hesitates, before saying, "Gee I don't know - I'm not sure."

The judge interjects, and says angrily, "Now look here. Those who do not tell the truth in a court of law may be found guilty of what is known as purgery, and anyone found guilty of purgery may be liable to a jail sentence of up to 2 years."

The Irishman's eyes light up, and those who are present in the court room can see his mind ticking over. After a few moments, he says to the judge," Your honour, did you say 2 years?"

The judge nods, and the Irishman continues," Well in that case, I'm going to commit purgery."

The court room is stunned, including the judge, who says, "How on earth do you come to that conclusion?"

The Irishman says with a smile, "It's quite simple your honour. If I commit purgery, I get locked up for 2 years. But if I tell the truth, I'll get put away for at least 10."
 
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