Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Grave Danger]

 

[portfan36]

 

[bomberclifford]

A ghost walks into a a bar.
The bartender says: “What do you want?”
The ghost says: “I’m here for the boos.”

 

[Grave Danger]

A ghost walks into a a bar.
The bartender says: “What do you want?”
The ghost says: “I’m here for the boos.”

Spirit drinker presumably?

 

[Quadzilla]

I went for a job on a building site.

The foreman said “Can you make tea”? I said “Yes”.

He said “Can you drive a forklift”? I said “How big is the bloody tea pot”!?!?

 

[Contested Marx]

I had a job interview recently and was asked how well I perform under pressure.

"Not very well," I replied, "but I can do a pretty good Bohemian Rhapsody."

 

[philreich]

99% of the world's population is really dumb. Thankfully I'm part of the 3% that's really smart.

 

[Ford Fairlane]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them s**t in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird s**t?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook'

 

[raman]

“Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend”

“You can do better”

“Thanks Dad”

“I was talking to your girlfriend”

 

[Freak Dodgeball Accident]

Husband: I got fired from the pickle factory today.

Wife: What?! You worked there for 20 years, why did they fire you?

Husband: I finally got the nerve to stick my penis in the pickle slicer.

*Wife checks husbands penis and there's nothing wrong*

Wife: What happened to the pickle slicer?

Husband: She got fired too!

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[davesnothere]

Not many people know that Gene Pitney died only one single day before his new electric car was being delivered.

He was only twenty four hours from Tesla.

 

[Quadzilla]

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?!!"

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Harlott]

 

[Portology]

When my doctor told me there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse...


On iPhone using recycled electrons, via BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[Contested Marx]

When my doctor told me there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse...


On iPhone using recycled electrons, via BigFooty.com mobile app

When my optometrist told me I was colourblind, I was shocked. This news came right out of the green.

 

[Portology]

When my optometrist told me I was colourblind, I was shocked. This news came right out of the green.

well I passed Service NSW's mandatory-for-age eyesight test just the other day so no driving glasses for me just yet

 

[Grave Danger]

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered.


What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.


What would Santa be called if he went down a chimney with the fire going?
Crisp Kringle.


How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.


What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

 

[philreich]

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered.


What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.


What would Santa be called if he went down a chimney with the fire going?
Crisp Kringle.


How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.


What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

In late news, I sadly must report the untimely death of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, aged 53. Santa's sleigh was flying over Madrid, when it was clipped by the wing of a passing plane. Tragically, Rudolph and a couple of the other reindeer couldn't be saved. The police report contained the following statement:

The reindeer in Spain were hit mainly by the plane.

 

[proman_x]

• If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
• 
  
• "What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
• 
  
• "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
• 
  
• "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."
• 
  
• "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
• 
  
• "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
• 
  
• "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
• 
  
• "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
• 
  
• "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
• 
  
• "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
• 
  
• "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
• 
  
• "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
• 
  
• "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
• 
  
• "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"

 

[bomberclifford]

 

[philreich]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boland.

Boland who?

Boland de Poms out for bugger all.

 

[Troopsy]

I know a lot of unemployment jokes.
But none of them work.

 

[Shaucob_Burjan]

What does a Muslim boxer do?

Hijabs