Dad jokes - add yours

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SonofSamsquanch

Rebuilding
Mar 31, 2016
8,836
18,300
Deep South
AFL Club
North Melbourne
A dying man smells his favourite oat and raisin biscuits cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the biscuits cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells, “No! Don't touch those! They’re for the funeral.”
 

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Rod Stroker

Hall of Famer
Oct 9, 2003
36,736
28,404
Singapore / 30,000 feet
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Other Teams
Eagles (NFL), Suns (NBA)
Why wife accused me of being a transsexual.

So I packed her clothes and left.
Reminds me of one of my favourite jokes (not a dad joke)

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 

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kangatime

Premium Platinum
Mar 29, 2009
12,082
19,755
kangaplace
AFL Club
North Melbourne
A moth walked into a podiatrist and sits down.
“What can I do for you?” asks the podiatrist.
“Well, you see, I can’t sleep, I’ve been feeling really depressed, and Im having suicidal thoughts” replies the moth.

“Oh my” exclaims the podiatrist, “you don’t need a podiatrist, you need a psychologist!”

“yeah I know” says the moth, “but I saw your light on”
 

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