Dad jokes - add yours

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QueenslandRoo

Club Legend
Aug 3, 2009
1,381
3,020
Qld
AFL Club
North Melbourne
A man who has dedicated his entire life to making money becomes incredibly sick and learns he has just days to live.

He tells his wife: "If I'm dying, there's no way I'm leaving all my money behind. I'm taking it with me!"

She insists: "You can't take your money with you when you pass from this world to the next."

He replies: "Just you wait and see! I've stuffed pillow cases full of cash and put them in the attic right above my bed so then when I die and my spirit floats upwards, I'll reach out and grabs the bags of cash and take them with me."

Sure enough, a few days later, the rich man dies.

After weeping over his corpse, the wife remembers his plan about taking the cash and decides to check if he was successful.

She climbs up into the attic where the pillow cases stuffed with cash are unmoved, exactly as he had left them.

"Stupid fool," she muttered under her breath. "I told him to put them in the basement!"
 

roomagic1984

All Australian
Jun 4, 2011
638
1,630
Melbourne
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Finally was able to go out for dinner with the wife after months in lockdown.
Went to a pretty fancy place considering all the money we have saved up not being able to go out.

Anyway, we were shown our table and given the menu. Everything looked good.
Wife needed to go toilet, so I was checking out what to order.

Waitress asked if I was ready to order - I said I am going to have the steak but my wife is in the toilet.
Waitress asked if I knew what my wife was having.. I was a bit puzzled why she would ask this.

I told the Waitress, she has been in there for 10 minutes, so probably having a sh*t.
 

Twinkletoes

Moderator
Jan 28, 2004
40,217
68,778
Tender Touch
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Other Teams
MVFC, Storm, Everton, Socceroos
Finally was able to go out for dinner with the wife after months in lockdown.
Went to a pretty fancy place considering all the money we have saved up not being able to go out.

Anyway, we were shown our table and given the menu. Everything looked good.
Wife needed to go toilet, so I was checking out what to order.

Waitress asked if I was ready to order - I said I am going to have the steak but my wife is in the toilet.
Waitress asked if I knew what my wife was having.. I was a bit puzzled why she would ask this.

I told the Waitress, she has been in there for 10 minutes, so probably having a sh*t.
Posted earlier old boy.
 

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gokangas

Premium Platinum
Jan 16, 2004
35,372
23,218
Melbourne
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Other Teams
Storm - Victory
A friend of my wife needed to spice up her love life so my wife suggested she buy some crotchless knickers and tease her hubby. So she did. She put them on with a short nightee and sat on the couch opposite him. She kept waiting until he looked in her direction and slowly gave him a little peek. Then a longer peek. Then a longer peek. Eventually he said - are you wearing crotchless knickers? Yes, she said in a sultry tone. Thank god, he said. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.
 

SonofSamsquanch

Rebuilding
Mar 31, 2016
9,121
19,258
Deep South
AFL Club
North Melbourne
This Fred would be 27 pages shorter if not for double ups! I've even posted slightly different versions of the same joke twice, not remembering that I'd ever heard it before, let alone shared it on here already!!
Staff at the Arden Street Old People's home were getting pretty concerned when they watched old Orange Peanut sitting on his front porch, rocking his chair muttering to himself all day long. Every now and again he'd bellow out in uproarious laughter, but once in a while he'd swear, scoff and scowl, then shake his head, looking generally peeved.

Eventually, one of the nursing staff went over and asked him about the muttering and laughter. OP replied that he was just passing time by telling himself jokes.

"What about the scoffing and scowling then?" asked the nurse.

OP replied, "Well, I only do that when I've heard the bloody joke before!"
 

andana

Norm Smith Medallist
Feb 1, 2008
9,347
10,968
Thailand
AFL Club
North Melbourne
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He sees from her badge that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack,” says the frog, “I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his father is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay because he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some kind of collateral. The frog says, “No problem, I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Pattie is confused and explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and promptly disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and explains “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 using this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her with contempt and says ………….
“It’s a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.
 

SonofSamsquanch

Rebuilding
Mar 31, 2016
9,121
19,258
Deep South
AFL Club
North Melbourne
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He sees from her badge that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack,” says the frog, “I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his father is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay because he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some kind of collateral. The frog says, “No problem, I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Pattie is confused and explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and promptly disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and explains “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 using this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her with contempt and says ………….
“It’s a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.
 

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