Dad jokes - add yours

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SonofSamsquanch

00W0W1 1030W0 000W00 W0W200 (Scott Boland)
Mar 31, 2016
9,583
20,334
Victoria
AFL Club
North Melbourne
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel...

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
 

SonofSamsquanch

00W0W1 1030W0 000W00 W0W200 (Scott Boland)
Mar 31, 2016
9,583
20,334
Victoria
AFL Club
North Melbourne
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”
 

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SonofSamsquanch

00W0W1 1030W0 000W00 W0W200 (Scott Boland)
Mar 31, 2016
9,583
20,334
Victoria
AFL Club
North Melbourne
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey and show the dentist.”
 

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SonofSamsquanch

00W0W1 1030W0 000W00 W0W200 (Scott Boland)
Mar 31, 2016
9,583
20,334
Victoria
AFL Club
North Melbourne
So the difference is, a comma?
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