Dad jokes - add yours

[krakouers]

My grandfather killed 37 German pilots in the war...
He was the worst Luftwaffe mechanic ever

 

[gokangas]

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

 

[gokangas]

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

 

[gokangas]

I ate a clock yesterday… it was so time consuming.

 

[gokangas]

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

 

[gokangas]

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!

 

[Lomas]

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

a pho noodle?

 

[SammyRoo]

When Bill and Melinda Gates finalise thier divorce....

Melinda will get the house...., but Bill can keep the windows

 

[Rod Stroker]

I really hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day. It means it's going to be up all night.

 

[andana]

A chicken and an egg are in bed after just ' snuggling '

The chicken says now we know the answer to the question everyone has been asking.

 

[Orange Peanut]

 

[gokangas]

I bought a vegan friend of mine a cookbook. Said he couldn't accept it coz it was leather bound. What he really meant is he didn't have the strength to lift it.

 

[gokangas]

I got into a fight with my acupuncturist and stabbed him. He said he's never felt better.

 

[gokangas]

I've created an advent calendar for Jehova's Witnesses. Behind every door it tells you to fugg off.

 

[gokangas]

My doctor told me that to lose weight I shouldn't eat anything fatty. I said do you mean like chips, bacon, lollies, ice cream? He said I just mean don't eat anything, fatty.

 

[Only Forwards]

A Priest a Buddhist Monk and a Rabbit walk into a bar.

The Rabbit says 'I think I'm a typo.'

 

[gokangas]

I was thrown out of Weight Watchers for making sarcastic comments during weigh ins. I accepted that with huge grace coz they threw her out too.

 

[gokangas]

My girlfriend confused a tube of KY gel with a tube of superglue. I asked her how that happened but her lips were sealed.

 

[7577969923]

Grandma is going to the suicide clinic in Switzerland. Don't tell though, it's a surprise.

 

[gokangas]

I was filling out my passport application the other day. When asked place of birth apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer.

 

[Waynesworld]

A duck walked into a chemist and asked for some condoms.

The chemist passed them over and asked if he wanted them put on his bill.

The duck looked at the chemist with disgust and said, what do I look like, a dick head?

 

[gokangas]

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur was the actual word she used.

 

[Waynesworld]

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The barman angrily said we don’t serve your type here, now get out before I nail your beak to the bar.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and orders a beer.

The barman says I told you to get out before I nail your beak to the bar.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the barman if he has any nails.

No says the barman.

Thats great says the duck, can I have a beer please?

 

[Harvey Manfrenjensenden]

I used to work with a guy who's nickname was Keth.

I could never work it out until I realised he was missing an eye.

 

[ROORAGE]

What's green and sits at the bottom of the toilet?

Kermit the Bog