Dad jokes - add yours

[gokangas]

I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.”
“Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked.
I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”

 

[gokangas]

Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.

 

[gokangas]

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."

 

[gokangas]

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.

 

[gokangas]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

 

[gokangas]

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

 

[gokangas]

“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student.
The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.
The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real prick.”

 

[B4Bear]

I went to the shops today, and took a poo.

I don’t know whose it was, but it’s mine now.

 

[Lomas]

I went to the shops today, and took a poo.

I don’t know whose it was, but it’s mine now.

When I first saw this I thought you were taking the piss.

 

[gokangas]

I'm having problems with my NBN - Telstra is sending a service guy out to us between 1:00pm and December.

 

[gokangas]

As I reflect on my life and all the people I’ve lost, perhaps maybe tour guide wasn’t the best job for me.

 

[Orange Peanut]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[Orange Peanut]

I am planning to live forever.

So far, so good.

 

[Lomas]

I am planning to live forever.

So far, so good.

Pfft, who wants to?

 

[D23D]

Pfft, who wants to?

Freddie Mercury did

 

[Hojuman]

I am planning to live forever.

So far, so good.

Brian Cox reckons that may end in 10,000 trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion years when we reach entropy.

Hope your prostate up to it

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

One day the food safety inspector comes in for a surprise inspection and catches the old baker using his false teeth to make the design around the edges of the apple pies. She roars at baker, "You can't do that with false teeth! Don't you have a tool?"

The old baker replies, "I do, but I use that for the doughnuts."

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

What's RED and smells like BLUE paint?







RED paint.

 

[Mav]

I’m really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.


I don’t know why.

 

[Contra Mundum]

A priest, a mullah and a rabbit walked into a Red Cross blood donor clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit "What is your blood type?". The rabbit said "I am probably a Type O"

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Americans love short sleeves apparently. Something about their right to bare arms.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I'd like to start a diet...

but I've got too much on my plate right now.

 

[rickety]

 

[Rod Stroker]

Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora. It means a lot.