Dad jokes - add yours

[SonofSamsquanch]

If you put socks & shoes on a bear, does he still have bear feet?

 

[Bertie22]

Have you noticed how all instruments searching for intelligent life...are pointing away from Earth??

 

[Bertie22]

The USA is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[Ligma]

A father was listening to his daughter pray.

“god bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa” she goes

“why did you say good bye grandpa?” The dad asked

“I don’t know daddy it just felt right” she replied.

the next day her grandpa dies and the father just thought it was a strange coincidence. A week later the dad was listening to his daughter pray again.

“god bless mummy, god bless daddy, goodbye grandma” she prayed.

the next day the grandma died, the father started thinking wow my daughter must be very special. A week later he was listening to her daughter pray again.

“goodnight mumm, goodbye daddy”

he started freaking out and couldn’t sleep all night. He left early and went to his office, he was nervous all day and kept watching the clock, he felt safe in his office and figured if he could make it to midnight he would be okay.

Once it hit midnight he went home and his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter”

“I had the worst day ever” he replied

“well I had it worse, the mailman dropped dead on our porch” she said.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I went to a job interview today. The interviewer asked how well I perform under pressure.

I replied, Yeah I do OK, but I'm better at We are the Champions and Bohemian Rhapsody

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[ferball]

View attachment 1266408

Is that a one eyed monster with tentacles?

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Is that a one eyed monster with tentacles?

It does't resemble any one eyed monster I've seen lately.


And maybe I will consider rephrasing that! It didn't quite come out as I intended.

 

[Bertie22]

Is that a one eyed cat?
Ah no, it is walking the other way!

 

[1975]

An Italian a Greek and an Australian walk into a bar, the barman says what is this? some kind of a joke?

 

[1975]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but gladwrap,
The psychiatrist says,
Clearly I see your nuts.

 

[ferball]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but gladwrap,
The psychiatrist says,
Clearly I see your nuts.

Have you ever helped Jack off a horse?

 

[Mav]

 

[1975]

Have you ever helped Jack off a horse?

I helped jack on

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

What is the best way to tune a set of bagpipes?







With a Pitchfork!

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[rickety]